the first time this guy came into the store, i wasn't actually there but i got a phone call immediately after he left...
clerk: um so i just need to tell you about my last customer.
me: what's up?
clerk: this guy came in here and he was acting kind of weird. he wouldn't stop talking about the mannequin and how beautiful she was. first he asked if he could buy it and just kept talking about it.
me: huh?
clerk: it gets better. he ended up buying a robe set and went on about how beautiful it was and how he was getting it for his girlfriend. his LOVE DOLL.
me: (lolz) no way! i'm so bummed i wasn't there!
clerk: he said he was going to come back and get all the other colors, too...that's how much he liked it.
me: well was he creepy at all?
clerk: kind of...he kept mumbling to himself and i think there was something wrong with him.
me: is he gone now?
clerk: yeah but he said he's coming back. just wanted to tell you about it.
.............
the very next day i was getting ready to leave and the same girl was there to relieve me when a guy walks in. he was a shorter guy with a crew cut and a moustache. he was wearing an old t-shirt from a local radio station and had it tucked into his dad jeans. he seemed nervous, looking around at everything and walking kind of fast. he was also mumbling something to himself. his voice was nasaly. i could tell by the way the girl's face and neck started to turn beet red that i had better stick around. he made it to the counter before she was able to explain why she was nervous. just as she was writing something down, his eyes lit up and he said to her, "hey my girlfriend looked really good in that robe! i came back to get something else." i already had it figured out when she slid me the note: LOVE DOLL.
love doll: [to clerk] thanks for all your help last night!
clerk: [uncomfortably] hi
me: [to love doll] oh did she help you out yesterday?
love doll: yeah i bought my girlfriend that purple robe that you have on the mannequin. i came back to show you a picture. *he pulled out his flip-phone and held it up to her* she really likes it.
clerk: .....
me: ooh i wanna see
he showed me his phone and right there in a purple, satin robe, was a blow-up doll...just your everyday, plastic, inflatable, wide-open-mouthed-three-holed sex doll. despite the fact that the other girl was obviously uncomfortable, i couldn't help myself. the girl walked away and i started asking questions...
me: so that's your girlfriend? what's her name?
love doll: lucy.
me: niiiice, why lucy?
love doll: it's what it said on the box.
me: right on. so you were just in here yesterday, what's up?
love doll: well that looked so good on her i wanted to get something to go with it. i want to buy all the other colors but right now i don't have very much money. what do you think she'll like?
me: did you get any fishnets? that'd look good with it.
love doll: that's a good idea. what ones should i get?
i grab a pair of thigh highs and tell him they're a good choice because he won't have to worry about them getting in the way.
love doll: yeah, she'll like these.
i start ringing him up and ask more questions like when he got the doll, all about their past. that's when he told me he was a truck driver. "i wanted to take a girl on the road with me but the company i work for wouldn't let me. insurance. so i bought her and she can go everywhere."
i really didn't know what to say besides, "that's cool. hopefully these work out. hey if you really want that black one (robe) i can put it on hold for you."
we worked out the details of when he'd be coming in again and he left after a few minutes.
and did he come back. like once a week for a few months straight. at first he stuck to lingerie for his "girlfriend." we would always talk for a long time whenever he came in--mostly because i needed to know about this guy--and he always had a new picture of lucy to show me. it became routine. he must have thought so, too because he eventually took it to the next level.
love doll: hey sara i was looking for something for myself today. can you help me?
me: of course. what are you thinking?
love doll: i want something i can use by myself. to masturbate.
i showed him all of the pocket pussies we had but he wasn't going for it.
me: something like this?
love doll: um, uh, actually i want something more like this. [points to a 10" dildo] can i tell you something?
me: sure, what?
love doll: i like to wear women's clothes sometimes and use these things on myself. is that weird?
me: nah, everyone's got their thing.
love doll: yeah because i really like the way skirts feel.
just then i noticed he was staring at my feet.
love doll: i really like those shoes. those are nice.
i look down at my shoes and say thanks. then i looked up, and halfway back to eye contact, i noticed something. a raging boner. thank god his pants were done up, though it looked like they might give at any second. normally, i would have gotten a little pissed and walked away but i was pretty sure he had no idea...since he was kind of "slow." <--- a fact that concerned me when he told me about the truck driving
me: [back to the subject at hand: big fake dicks] yep this is all of them now you just have to decide which one you like. let me know if you need anything else.
i walked away so he could calm down and figure out what he wanted. he bought the 10" and left. he came in the very next day to apologize for saying something about my feet. "you're my friend and i don't want to offend you so i'm going to be a man and say i'm sorry." apology accepted, friendship intact.
a week goes by. i get a phone call. it's him. he wanted to know when i'd be working because he had just bought a new leather skirt that he had on layaway and wanted to show me. of course i told him when to come in--later friday night.
from the back of the store i heard the door chime. i looked up and saw it was him. he seemed nervous. he had on a jean jacket that he was holding closed so tightly, his knuckles were white and he scanned the entire store before saying anything. i started walking toward him and besides the radio, the only sound was the clicking of heels. i was in flats.
love doll: i came to show you something.
he rounded the counter and at the same time opened his jacket to reveal himself (not like that).
there he was, moustache and all, in a black silk blouse, black leather mini skirt, stockings, and heels.
me: DANG, lookin good!
love doll: you think so? i was nervous, this is the first time i've gone out in public like this but i promised you i would.
me: that's awesome! and you don't need to be nervous here, nobody cares.
love doll: yeah i just wanted to show you because you're so nice to me and don't make me feel like this is weird.
me: aw, you don't need to feel like a weirdo or anything. i don't care what you feel like wearing.
we shot the shit until some other customers came in and he left. said he needed to go home and change because he was meeting some friends at a bar and they didn't know about his love for women's clothing. after that night, it was an ongoing thing with him. he'd call to see when i was working, i'd tell him, he'd get dressed up and come see me. at some point he stopped buying things altogether and would just come to hang out for a little while.
love doll: do you know anywhere i can go and meet other people who like to dress up like this?
me: you should look on the internet. you can find message boards and groups to join and i'm sure there are some parties you could find that way, too.
love doll: yeah because i like going out like this now. i don't get nervous anymore but i still don't think i could go meet my friends at the bar this way.
me: think you'll get your ass kicked?
love doll: yeah i don't know what they'd think about it.
me: well just look online like i said and i'm sure you'll find something.
the time i saw him after that, he had lipstick on. still hadn't shaved, though. AND he was going to the bar like that. turns out he took my advice and ended up making friends with a lot of people who shared his interests.
i felt good for helping him out. i figured it better for him to be open and honest with himself then try to hide it and end up snapping one day. we were friends. he even brought me a christmas card. but his visits became less and less frequent as his social life outside of the porn shop blew up. he still called on a pretty regular basis up until april. i haven't seen him since march and sometimes i wonder what he's up to. maybe i'll see him again someday: my white trash, doll-loving, cross-dressing friend.
6.21.2010
5.28.2010
reach out and touch someone
5.22.10
the mother-daughter team is a porn shop classic. but this duo set themselves apart as soon as they walked in. the mother was walking with a cane, incredibly slow (though not as slow as her slurred speech). the daughter looked like a million generic punk girls in a black hoodie, hair kind of messy, biting her lip ring, she spoke first:
baby: holy shit do i know you?
me: i don't know maybe.
baby: i swear i just saw you yesterday. where were you at?
me: [i told her where i'd been hanging out] maybe you were there?
baby: no. i swear i just went in to apply somewhere and saw you....do you work anywhere else?
me: not really.
baby: oh. fuck man i don't know. nevermind who cares.
me: right on. so what's up?
just then mama finally made her way around to me. aside from the cane, i notice her eyes are half-closed and most of her skin is hanging off of her. like post-gastric bypass style. with one hand on the counter, she uses a lot of energy to lift her head and look me in the eye. seemingly exhausted, she starts talking.
mama: do you sell vibrators for the clit?
me: oh yeah those are right here.
mama: [picking up a pocket rocket] i bought this one it was just like this but on a keychain and it had three little dots on the top of it. it was really strong. do you have that?
me: no. i know the one you're talking about, though. i can show you something kind of like it.
mama: ok yeah let's see what you have.
i grab a few items and take them over to her at the counter. taking advantage of how close we are to each other, she starts telling me about her life.
mama: i was in the business for 25 years you know? working as a phone sex operator.
me: that's kind of awesome. did you make good money?
mama: oh yes.
(her daughter hears us talking and walks over for a minute)
baby: what's she telling you?
mama: i was just telling her about how i used to do the phone sex.
baby: oh yeah. [she smiles at me and walks away]
me: so why don't you do that anymore?
mama: oh i just got tired of it. 25 years is a long time to do anything.
me: i'm sure it was fun though.
mama: oh it was. i still love to talk dirty. i just don't get paid for it anymore.
i help her decide on the vibrator she wants and she looks around some more....at bumper stickers. meanwhile her daughter is wandering. mama calls for me from the dvd section.
leaning in close enough for me to feel her breath, she starts to fill me in on why her trip to the store was so important.
mama: i'm trying to pick out some things i can send to my boyfriend. i want to send him a package before he comes to see me. i've been with him since december but we've never been together.
me: that's exciting. so what are you going to send him?
mama: well he calls me baby muffin. do you have any stickers here that say muffin or baby muffin or something about being dominant or submissive? he's the dominant one in our relationship.
me: no i don't think so.
mama: ok then what about dvds?
me: sure. what kind do you want?
mama: do you have any bisexual ones? one with a man having sex with another man and a woman. he's bisexual and he told me he got a playgirl the other day and really like it.
me: well we have some here.
mama: which one is good? can i tell you what he likes? he likes men with really nice bodies. he's into bodybuilding so he likes men that are in shape. he says to me, "a man's cock is beautiful." do you have anything he'd like?
i grab a few random dvds and she picks a couple gay ones.
mama: what about these? do any of these have black men in them? he thinks they have the best cocks.
me: [i grab the dvds out of her hand and check] no. all white. well this guy looks latino.
mama: do they have hard bodies?
me: yeah, seems like he'll like this one. the other one looks a lot older.
baby: hey can we get goin now? what are you doing? don't send him a whole bunch of crap just to be sendin it.
mama: ok ok. we can go now. i better get some batteries too. give me two packs of them.
she mumbled something to her daughter at the register while she paid and they left.
less than an hour passes....
the phone rings. on the other end is a familiar voice.
"the vibrator you just sold me is broken. i apologize for sounding like such a bitch. i'm not even supposed to be driving because i just had back surgery. ok? i'm taking oxycontins and all kinds of other medicine right now. i don't even have a car so i have to wait for my friend to come over. she said she'll let me borrow her car to go grocery shopping and do what i need to do. i apologize i really am sorry. what was your name sweetheart?"
"sara."
her second visit to the store didn't last as long but she packed a lot of biographical information in there for me.
she explained to me that she was so frustrated because the toy stopped working before she got a chance to use it on the phone with her "boyfriend." and that's when she started to tell me all about their relationship.
she told me about three more times that he thinks "a man's cock is beautiful" and that she was just going to be with him for the first time memorial weekend.
mama: you know, some of my friends think i'm stupid or crazy for being with him. they just don't understand. we talk on the phone a lot besides the phone sex and he just starts talking and i get so lost...he told me he'd take a bullet for me. nobody's ever cared about me like that before. my friends think that it's crazy that we've never seen each other before. they tell me i should protect my heart. i won't listen to them.
me: do whatever you want.
mama: that's right i'm going to. do you remember in february when it snowed a lot? he sent me flowers. he told me he loves me. remember we had a snowstorm? i didn't get my delivery that day because of it and then look...
(she fumbled around with her phone for a minute. apparently looking for a picture)
...here it is. i was on the phone with him when they came. he said. what day is today? today is george washington's birthday and i'm in love with you.
for a second she looked alive. just a second, though.
mama: i'm going to bring him in here when he comes to see me. you can see what he looks like. i want to get a tattoo, too. who does them? he calls me baby muffin so i'm either going to get it to say that right here [points to vagina] or it'll say "daddy's pussy"
me: that'll be awesome.
mama: yeah. ok well i'm going home now. this one you gave me works, right? and you put the batteries in there for me?
me: yep. you're all set.
mama: ok have a good weekend, sara. you've been such a sweetheart.
there had been a girl at the counter waiting to pay for a minute. when i apologized for the other woman lingering for so long, she said to me:
"oh, i thought you guys were friends."
i wish.
the mother-daughter team is a porn shop classic. but this duo set themselves apart as soon as they walked in. the mother was walking with a cane, incredibly slow (though not as slow as her slurred speech). the daughter looked like a million generic punk girls in a black hoodie, hair kind of messy, biting her lip ring, she spoke first:
baby: holy shit do i know you?
me: i don't know maybe.
baby: i swear i just saw you yesterday. where were you at?
me: [i told her where i'd been hanging out] maybe you were there?
baby: no. i swear i just went in to apply somewhere and saw you....do you work anywhere else?
me: not really.
baby: oh. fuck man i don't know. nevermind who cares.
me: right on. so what's up?
just then mama finally made her way around to me. aside from the cane, i notice her eyes are half-closed and most of her skin is hanging off of her. like post-gastric bypass style. with one hand on the counter, she uses a lot of energy to lift her head and look me in the eye. seemingly exhausted, she starts talking.
mama: do you sell vibrators for the clit?
me: oh yeah those are right here.
mama: [picking up a pocket rocket] i bought this one it was just like this but on a keychain and it had three little dots on the top of it. it was really strong. do you have that?
me: no. i know the one you're talking about, though. i can show you something kind of like it.
mama: ok yeah let's see what you have.
i grab a few items and take them over to her at the counter. taking advantage of how close we are to each other, she starts telling me about her life.
mama: i was in the business for 25 years you know? working as a phone sex operator.
me: that's kind of awesome. did you make good money?
mama: oh yes.
(her daughter hears us talking and walks over for a minute)
baby: what's she telling you?
mama: i was just telling her about how i used to do the phone sex.
baby: oh yeah. [she smiles at me and walks away]
me: so why don't you do that anymore?
mama: oh i just got tired of it. 25 years is a long time to do anything.
me: i'm sure it was fun though.
mama: oh it was. i still love to talk dirty. i just don't get paid for it anymore.
i help her decide on the vibrator she wants and she looks around some more....at bumper stickers. meanwhile her daughter is wandering. mama calls for me from the dvd section.
leaning in close enough for me to feel her breath, she starts to fill me in on why her trip to the store was so important.
mama: i'm trying to pick out some things i can send to my boyfriend. i want to send him a package before he comes to see me. i've been with him since december but we've never been together.
me: that's exciting. so what are you going to send him?
mama: well he calls me baby muffin. do you have any stickers here that say muffin or baby muffin or something about being dominant or submissive? he's the dominant one in our relationship.
me: no i don't think so.
mama: ok then what about dvds?
me: sure. what kind do you want?
mama: do you have any bisexual ones? one with a man having sex with another man and a woman. he's bisexual and he told me he got a playgirl the other day and really like it.
me: well we have some here.
mama: which one is good? can i tell you what he likes? he likes men with really nice bodies. he's into bodybuilding so he likes men that are in shape. he says to me, "a man's cock is beautiful." do you have anything he'd like?
i grab a few random dvds and she picks a couple gay ones.
mama: what about these? do any of these have black men in them? he thinks they have the best cocks.
me: [i grab the dvds out of her hand and check] no. all white. well this guy looks latino.
mama: do they have hard bodies?
me: yeah, seems like he'll like this one. the other one looks a lot older.
baby: hey can we get goin now? what are you doing? don't send him a whole bunch of crap just to be sendin it.
mama: ok ok. we can go now. i better get some batteries too. give me two packs of them.
she mumbled something to her daughter at the register while she paid and they left.
less than an hour passes....
the phone rings. on the other end is a familiar voice.
"the vibrator you just sold me is broken. i apologize for sounding like such a bitch. i'm not even supposed to be driving because i just had back surgery. ok? i'm taking oxycontins and all kinds of other medicine right now. i don't even have a car so i have to wait for my friend to come over. she said she'll let me borrow her car to go grocery shopping and do what i need to do. i apologize i really am sorry. what was your name sweetheart?"
"sara."
her second visit to the store didn't last as long but she packed a lot of biographical information in there for me.
she explained to me that she was so frustrated because the toy stopped working before she got a chance to use it on the phone with her "boyfriend." and that's when she started to tell me all about their relationship.
she told me about three more times that he thinks "a man's cock is beautiful" and that she was just going to be with him for the first time memorial weekend.
mama: you know, some of my friends think i'm stupid or crazy for being with him. they just don't understand. we talk on the phone a lot besides the phone sex and he just starts talking and i get so lost...he told me he'd take a bullet for me. nobody's ever cared about me like that before. my friends think that it's crazy that we've never seen each other before. they tell me i should protect my heart. i won't listen to them.
me: do whatever you want.
mama: that's right i'm going to. do you remember in february when it snowed a lot? he sent me flowers. he told me he loves me. remember we had a snowstorm? i didn't get my delivery that day because of it and then look...
(she fumbled around with her phone for a minute. apparently looking for a picture)
...here it is. i was on the phone with him when they came. he said. what day is today? today is george washington's birthday and i'm in love with you.
for a second she looked alive. just a second, though.
mama: i'm going to bring him in here when he comes to see me. you can see what he looks like. i want to get a tattoo, too. who does them? he calls me baby muffin so i'm either going to get it to say that right here [points to vagina] or it'll say "daddy's pussy"
me: that'll be awesome.
mama: yeah. ok well i'm going home now. this one you gave me works, right? and you put the batteries in there for me?
me: yep. you're all set.
mama: ok have a good weekend, sara. you've been such a sweetheart.
there had been a girl at the counter waiting to pay for a minute. when i apologized for the other woman lingering for so long, she said to me:
"oh, i thought you guys were friends."
i wish.
5.25.2010
be vewy, vewy cweepy
5.21.10
we open at ten and by five after there were already three people in the store when in walked a fourth. this guy stood out against the other random customers walking around....i got an uneasy feeling when he walked in. his head was shaved. a short man made to look even shorter by his cut-off-cargo-pants-socks-pulled-up combo. i write down "elmer fudd" on a piece of paper. he was looking at shoes the entire time there were other people in the store and as soon as we were alone he made his move. back toward the magazines...i was safe. still aware of his presence, although oblivious to his exact location, i went back to counting.
made my way to check my phone behind the counter for a second before i catch something in the corner of my eye. this guy is crouched down next to me. looking me dead in the eye. at this point, i'm even more creeped out but he seems familiar so i go with it.
"oh sorry. did you need something?"
elmer: do you have any of those shoes over there in another size?
me: no that's all we have left. that's why they're on sale. would you like me to call another store?
elmer: ah that's alright. i already stopped by your other store over there at [i'd tell you but i'd have to kill you] i was just looking for my friend. i like buying her shoes but i'm not too sure about the size. i just tried calling her but she hasn't answered.
me: maybe she's sleeping. it's still early.
elmer: yeah maybe. but i haven't been able to get ahold of her for about two weeks. she needed some money so she took off to work as a carny. i don't know where she's at right now but she isn't calling me back.
me: (dying inside) something must be up.
elmer: yeah, i know. but i don't want to just buy them without talking to her first because shoes are meant to be worn and loved. i'm not gonna buy any for her unless she loves them. i love shoes. shoes and boots...you women don't know what it does to us when you're walking around with pretty, painted toes.
we talk for a minute and he walks around the counter when another person walks in.
then out.
and then we're alone again.
elmer walks up to me and by now he's sweating. it's gross. since his head's shaved i can't tell where it's coming from. i cringe at the thought of sweat dripping on the counter when he leans on it to continue his story.
elmer: there was this other girl i used to buy presents for. i really like to help my friends. she was a manager at a mcdonald's but she was a fetish model, too. i used to buy her all kinds of crazy heels and boots. i took her shopping and it was like i was releasing my inner richard gere. you know like in pretty woman?
me: that's nice of you.
elmer: yeah well i'm gonna go to this document-shredding event coming up. i went last year. the fetish model, that's the last time i saw her. she hasn't been on facebook or anything like that. but that's why i'm going this year. she'll be there.
(the next thing he said, he whispered as though it were some big secret)
"i'm really going to just remind her that i'm hotter than the guy she's with now."
IDOUBTIT
the conversation continues...
elmer: i took her shopping for a whole bunch of clothes once. you know what size she wears? a zero! it was hard to find her size in anything. you know, you're the kind of person i'd go for. i don't care what's up top, you could be flat. actually, that's better.
me: (taken aback by the sudden shift of focus to my body) oh. people are into all kinds of different things i guess.
elmer: when's your birthday?
me: it was last week
elmer: you're kidding. mine's may 16th. you know who else is a sixteener?
we open at ten and by five after there were already three people in the store when in walked a fourth. this guy stood out against the other random customers walking around....i got an uneasy feeling when he walked in. his head was shaved. a short man made to look even shorter by his cut-off-cargo-pants-socks-pulled-up combo. i write down "elmer fudd" on a piece of paper. he was looking at shoes the entire time there were other people in the store and as soon as we were alone he made his move. back toward the magazines...i was safe. still aware of his presence, although oblivious to his exact location, i went back to counting.
made my way to check my phone behind the counter for a second before i catch something in the corner of my eye. this guy is crouched down next to me. looking me dead in the eye. at this point, i'm even more creeped out but he seems familiar so i go with it.
"oh sorry. did you need something?"
elmer: do you have any of those shoes over there in another size?
me: no that's all we have left. that's why they're on sale. would you like me to call another store?
elmer: ah that's alright. i already stopped by your other store over there at [i'd tell you but i'd have to kill you] i was just looking for my friend. i like buying her shoes but i'm not too sure about the size. i just tried calling her but she hasn't answered.
me: maybe she's sleeping. it's still early.
elmer: yeah maybe. but i haven't been able to get ahold of her for about two weeks. she needed some money so she took off to work as a carny. i don't know where she's at right now but she isn't calling me back.
me: (dying inside) something must be up.
elmer: yeah, i know. but i don't want to just buy them without talking to her first because shoes are meant to be worn and loved. i'm not gonna buy any for her unless she loves them. i love shoes. shoes and boots...you women don't know what it does to us when you're walking around with pretty, painted toes.
we talk for a minute and he walks around the counter when another person walks in.
then out.
and then we're alone again.
elmer walks up to me and by now he's sweating. it's gross. since his head's shaved i can't tell where it's coming from. i cringe at the thought of sweat dripping on the counter when he leans on it to continue his story.
elmer: there was this other girl i used to buy presents for. i really like to help my friends. she was a manager at a mcdonald's but she was a fetish model, too. i used to buy her all kinds of crazy heels and boots. i took her shopping and it was like i was releasing my inner richard gere. you know like in pretty woman?
me: that's nice of you.
elmer: yeah well i'm gonna go to this document-shredding event coming up. i went last year. the fetish model, that's the last time i saw her. she hasn't been on facebook or anything like that. but that's why i'm going this year. she'll be there.
(the next thing he said, he whispered as though it were some big secret)
"i'm really going to just remind her that i'm hotter than the guy she's with now."
IDOUBTIT
the conversation continues...
elmer: i took her shopping for a whole bunch of clothes once. you know what size she wears? a zero! it was hard to find her size in anything. you know, you're the kind of person i'd go for. i don't care what's up top, you could be flat. actually, that's better.
me: (taken aback by the sudden shift of focus to my body) oh. people are into all kinds of different things i guess.
elmer: when's your birthday?
me: it was last week
elmer: you're kidding. mine's may 16th. you know who else is a sixteener?
"Debra Winger
Tori Spelling
David Bonanza, Borener...the guy from Angel and Bones
Megan Fox
Jack Morris
Billy Martin
Pierce Brosnan
Janet Jackson, who just got her hair cut and looks fantastic"
there's a lot of us out there, man.
he tells me a story about getting drunk and lets me in on a secret...burnt toast is good for hangovers. "the charcoal helps absorb the alcohol and stuff that's making you sick and the bread gets the rest." i said i'd try it.
a few more customers come and go and dude is still talking my ear off. sometimes i ask questions to get information out of people but on this particular morning i had work to do so it was starting to wear on my patience.
and then he snapped his fingers. "i remember you now! i talked to you about bands last time i was in here." it rang a bell, i definitely remembered him. and our conversation about bands was nothing more than him rattling off names while i yay or nayed hearing them before. but of course i went along with it.
me: yeah i remember you too now. right on. what do you have to do today? <-- my way of trying to encourage someone to leave (of course he didn't get it)
elmer: oh i have a couple jobs to go do today.
me: yeah? like what? what's your deal?
elmer: i'm a garden designer. and i cut some grass on the side.
me: that's cool.
elmer: i like to grow pot sometimes, too. i found the perfect spot to start these next ones up. it's behind this comic book shop. man, nobody goes back there. i'll throw the seeds out there, let em sprout up, then i'll take em home and hide em throughout my backyard in different spots. you know, they give off a heat signature that those cameras can pick up so you gotta be careful. listen if you ever want to get into that let me know. i have a lot of tips i can give you.
me: yeah, for sure.
elmer: (looks at his phone) well, i don't think she's calling me back. i was going to help with her rent, by the way. pfft, chyea, whatever. i'll see you around. what's your name?
me: sara
elmer: my one friend calls me damian. like from that band elvis hitler.
me: ok. see ya.
i wonder how many friends he has.
5.19.2010
sex shop/land of discovery
5.11.10
"HEY WHAT'S YOUR CHEAPEST DILDO!?" i should start keeping track of how many people yell as soon as they walk through the door.
this woman waddles over to the counter and leans forward to catch her breath. she's got her hair wrapped up in a bandana, black tall tee, and swishy pants (with only two stripes--not adidas). i ask her a question, "dildo or vibrator?" i have to ask these things because a lot of the time most people don't know there's a difference or just call every sex toy a dildo and get mad at me/waste my time. in this case, it was a good thing i asked.
"i don't know show me some things." i pick up a couple different items and ask her what she's looking for. "do you want something more for g-spot or clitoris? or both?" i get a blank stare. mouth open. head tilted back. catatonic. "what do you mean? what's that for?" LADY! COME ON! i actually feel bad for people like her just because it freaks me out to think about going through life knowing nothing about my own body...and makes me wonder what other types of things one would be ignorant to.
she's "just lookin today" so i go back to waiting for something cool to happen. the woman stops. there goes that bottom jaw again. i hear her friend (she had someone with her but she didn't say much. i'm pretty sure she stole something) trying to get her attention "ey. EY!" the awestruck friend holds up her hand in a *just one second* way and then she speaks. revealing what's on her mind: "hold on i'm tryna find out if he gay." she's looking at a box to a strap-on. on the box is a photograph of a woman wearing the harness, smiling, pointing it towards a man's ass. [the woman looks stoked. this picture really captures the spirit of the product]
i was content with eavesdropping, having no active role in the conversation when i was pulled in.
"hey excu-use me i want to ask you a question. would you ever poke your nigga in the ass? ain't that shit gay?"
i was annoyed. this woman was rude from the moment she showed up and her stupidity was at this point making me feel angry. so i explained to her "well, prostate stimulation doesn't have anything to do with sexual orientation. and homosexual means same sex so if you're doing it then no, no it's not gay." i lost her at prostate. her jaw flapped open and she cocked her head to the side. luckily she hadn't realized i was being a bitch (she definitely would have won in a fight) "hmph. shiiit, i wish my nigga would do that."
"HEY WHAT'S YOUR CHEAPEST DILDO!?" i should start keeping track of how many people yell as soon as they walk through the door.
this woman waddles over to the counter and leans forward to catch her breath. she's got her hair wrapped up in a bandana, black tall tee, and swishy pants (with only two stripes--not adidas). i ask her a question, "dildo or vibrator?" i have to ask these things because a lot of the time most people don't know there's a difference or just call every sex toy a dildo and get mad at me/waste my time. in this case, it was a good thing i asked.
"i don't know show me some things." i pick up a couple different items and ask her what she's looking for. "do you want something more for g-spot or clitoris? or both?" i get a blank stare. mouth open. head tilted back. catatonic. "what do you mean? what's that for?" LADY! COME ON! i actually feel bad for people like her just because it freaks me out to think about going through life knowing nothing about my own body...and makes me wonder what other types of things one would be ignorant to.
she's "just lookin today" so i go back to waiting for something cool to happen. the woman stops. there goes that bottom jaw again. i hear her friend (she had someone with her but she didn't say much. i'm pretty sure she stole something) trying to get her attention "ey. EY!" the awestruck friend holds up her hand in a *just one second* way and then she speaks. revealing what's on her mind: "hold on i'm tryna find out if he gay." she's looking at a box to a strap-on. on the box is a photograph of a woman wearing the harness, smiling, pointing it towards a man's ass. [the woman looks stoked. this picture really captures the spirit of the product]
i was content with eavesdropping, having no active role in the conversation when i was pulled in.
"hey excu-use me i want to ask you a question. would you ever poke your nigga in the ass? ain't that shit gay?"
i was annoyed. this woman was rude from the moment she showed up and her stupidity was at this point making me feel angry. so i explained to her "well, prostate stimulation doesn't have anything to do with sexual orientation. and homosexual means same sex so if you're doing it then no, no it's not gay." i lost her at prostate. her jaw flapped open and she cocked her head to the side. luckily she hadn't realized i was being a bitch (she definitely would have won in a fight) "hmph. shiiit, i wish my nigga would do that."
5.10.2010
spotlight on diversity
5.4.2010
90% of the elderly people who walk through the doors of my shop have no idea what they're doing there or what kind of store they've wandered into. sometimes it's funny, when they look around and comment on things they've never seen before/haven't the slightest clue what to do with some of the items. most of the time it's pretty uneventful: an old lady sees a giant dildo or an inflatable butt plug and turns right around. and then there are women like the one who came in last week. you know the type....southern, old-school, uncensored, as politically incorrect as they come. that was this lady. she looked like a cross between aunt jemima, those racist cookie jars, and whoopi goldberg in "the color purple." and she was dressed, head to toe, in purple. headwrap, button-down tunic, floor-length skirt, and orthopedic sneakers made of floral canvas with a clear platform. despite the fact that she was missing a front tooth, she smiled a lot.
she walked in from the heat fanning herself. i'm the only one in the store and with her southern (i'm guessing alabama/louisiana) drawl she asked me "do y'all sell breastforms here? not the kind you just stick in ya braw but the ones like sissies wear." yeah, she said sissies. she then motioned to her breasts and held her hands out in front of them so as to show me how large she'd like them. i tell her politely, "no, we don't have those here. i know of a place where cross-dressers and transsexuals go to get most of their things but it's not very close to here." she asks me, "so you don't get a lot of sissies in here? because i know i've been seein men walkin round here holdin hands and kissin and oh boy you wouldn't a seen none of that where i grew up." i didn't say anything much more than "oh" before she asked me to write down the address of the place i had mentioned. i obliged and handed her the piece of paper.
shoes has become a checkpoint of sorts. it feels like every time something worth writing about happens, something goes on near the display. aunt whoopi was on her way out when she stopped to look at what we had. she picks up a pair of 7-inch clear heels and says "i think they're pretty. you ever dance?" i told her about my stint as a stripper and she asked me bluntly, "you do any of that extra stuff to make yourself some money?" i honestly answer her, "no, but a lot of girls do. i guess if you don't have a problem with it, do what you want. i just never really wanted to make money that badly i guess. it was mostly something i did that was fun. and i just quit when it wasn't fun anymore." she smiled at me and said, "well that's a good thing, child. you know every man just wants to screw and if he wants it bad enough, he'll go out lookin for it. you know those dancers out west, they're makin a while lotta money. yeah, them and they got those chicken houses out there, too! it's normal to make money off of havin all kinds of sex out there."
we had a brief conversation about screwing and what strip clubs were better known for their extra services before she left.
___________________________
tweekers, crackheads, coked-out strippers...they love the porn shop. usually, i don't see them since they mainly come out at night. but on day shift, i sometimes get lucky. this guy wasn't any of the aforementioned, but was definitely displaying some of the mannerisms: clenched jaw/gum chomping, pacing around the store, constantly putting his hands in his pockets and pulling nothing out, i swear he didn't blink more than ten times in the hour he spent in the store. i tried to keep up with him/come up with different ways of "checking up" on him without pissing him off or seeming rude, but each time i attempted to make eye contact, he nervously looked away and would start touching things (i assumed out of nervousness). another customer i had in the store left and that's when this guy decided to open up to me.
he asked me what it was like working there just like every other person to ever come into the store and i gave him some generic answers. he let me know he was waiting for his "friend" to call him back or come up to the store and decide if the liberator we had in stock was the right one. while he waited, he told me all kinds of things about his life. turns out he had just gotten home about ten days before. he was a marine. when i asked how long he was home for he said, "hopefully not long. i'm trying to get back in. i hate civilian life. it's not for me."
"get back in? what do you mean?"
"i spent the last two years in a military prison."
"what'd you do? sorry, i shouldn't ask that. i've got a bad habit of asking too many questions."
"no, no it's alright. i did what i had to do. they tried to say that i went beyond what i should have. those motherfuckers weren't there. i did what had to be done."
"so you're out of prison...out of the service? dishonorable discharge and all of that?"
"yes ma'am. as soon as i got back here i started working on my case to get back in. it's the only thing i love doinfightin's what i got in me."
"well good luck with all that. what was prison like?"
*at this point, he lifted up his shirt to show me where he had been stabbed over his heart. hard to miss was his iron cross tattoo covering the scar. he also had one of these in the center of his chest:
not all of his tattoos were so white power, he also had a black and gray Chucky tattoo on his right arm. (while irrelevant, i felt that was worth mentioning)
This might not be the type of conversation most people would enjoy, but i've got such a fascination with prison gangs, the Brotherhood in particular. I've only talked to a few other people who've been involved with them but their stories are pretty similar for the most part.
"well, when i first got into the prison here (stateside) i had to figure out how it was gonna be for me. i'm sure you've figured out my affiliation by my tattoos."
"well, yeah it's pretty obvious. how'd you get into all that, though?"
"well there's a story behind it. not too many guys could pronounce my last name except for the 'berg' when i first got there. then one day, i was carrying a bag with me when this guy tried to grab it. i kicked him in the chest and knocked him back. after i fucked him up, a bunch of guys invited me in with them. they all called mossberg. said i could kick like a shotgun."
he didn't get into details as far as the Brotherhood goes and i didn't ask any more questions. instead, he taught me a trick some guys use in prison to get off. since i personally have no use for this information, maybe someone who reads this will try it out.
HOW TO MAKE A POCKET PUSSY: PRISON EDITION
step 1. take two latex gloves and fill them with liquid of your choice. the thicker the liquid, the better (one guy apparently used bread pudding when it was available)
step 2. tie off the ends of the gloves so the liquid doesn't come out
step 3. tie the fingers of the gloves together, creating a pocket between the two "palms"
step 4. find a lubricant: spit, olive oil, butter, soap, etc. and apply it to the penis
step 5. fuck the space between the two gloves (remember! more pressure=tighter feeling)
i asked if he'd ever done it and rather than give me a straight answer, he just said, "in prison, you get bored and you come up with lots of different ways of staying entertained." then he told me about one time he went to get an apple from the walk-in and caught a guy using some gloves to get off. i laughed and asked him if he watched. he didn't think that was funny.
he saw some mints on the counter and started talking about oral sex and the whole mint/cinnamon/cough drop thing....gave me some advice and suggested i try them with my boyfriend. he bought some cheap little thing--said he felt like he should since he had taken up so much of my time. when he paid with a card, i asked for id and all he had was his inmate badge. he said he has fun with it at church (he's gone with his grandma since returning). when he was asked why he was sent to prison in the first place his response was, "i was a choir boy and i ended up killing a priest." then he laughed. for a good minute. without blinking. i wonder if his grandma thought it was that funny.
__________________
90% of the elderly people who walk through the doors of my shop have no idea what they're doing there or what kind of store they've wandered into. sometimes it's funny, when they look around and comment on things they've never seen before/haven't the slightest clue what to do with some of the items. most of the time it's pretty uneventful: an old lady sees a giant dildo or an inflatable butt plug and turns right around. and then there are women like the one who came in last week. you know the type....southern, old-school, uncensored, as politically incorrect as they come. that was this lady. she looked like a cross between aunt jemima, those racist cookie jars, and whoopi goldberg in "the color purple." and she was dressed, head to toe, in purple. headwrap, button-down tunic, floor-length skirt, and orthopedic sneakers made of floral canvas with a clear platform. despite the fact that she was missing a front tooth, she smiled a lot.
she walked in from the heat fanning herself. i'm the only one in the store and with her southern (i'm guessing alabama/louisiana) drawl she asked me "do y'all sell breastforms here? not the kind you just stick in ya braw but the ones like sissies wear." yeah, she said sissies. she then motioned to her breasts and held her hands out in front of them so as to show me how large she'd like them. i tell her politely, "no, we don't have those here. i know of a place where cross-dressers and transsexuals go to get most of their things but it's not very close to here." she asks me, "so you don't get a lot of sissies in here? because i know i've been seein men walkin round here holdin hands and kissin and oh boy you wouldn't a seen none of that where i grew up." i didn't say anything much more than "oh" before she asked me to write down the address of the place i had mentioned. i obliged and handed her the piece of paper.
shoes has become a checkpoint of sorts. it feels like every time something worth writing about happens, something goes on near the display. aunt whoopi was on her way out when she stopped to look at what we had. she picks up a pair of 7-inch clear heels and says "i think they're pretty. you ever dance?" i told her about my stint as a stripper and she asked me bluntly, "you do any of that extra stuff to make yourself some money?" i honestly answer her, "no, but a lot of girls do. i guess if you don't have a problem with it, do what you want. i just never really wanted to make money that badly i guess. it was mostly something i did that was fun. and i just quit when it wasn't fun anymore." she smiled at me and said, "well that's a good thing, child. you know every man just wants to screw and if he wants it bad enough, he'll go out lookin for it. you know those dancers out west, they're makin a while lotta money. yeah, them and they got those chicken houses out there, too! it's normal to make money off of havin all kinds of sex out there."
we had a brief conversation about screwing and what strip clubs were better known for their extra services before she left.
___________________________
tweekers, crackheads, coked-out strippers...they love the porn shop. usually, i don't see them since they mainly come out at night. but on day shift, i sometimes get lucky. this guy wasn't any of the aforementioned, but was definitely displaying some of the mannerisms: clenched jaw/gum chomping, pacing around the store, constantly putting his hands in his pockets and pulling nothing out, i swear he didn't blink more than ten times in the hour he spent in the store. i tried to keep up with him/come up with different ways of "checking up" on him without pissing him off or seeming rude, but each time i attempted to make eye contact, he nervously looked away and would start touching things (i assumed out of nervousness). another customer i had in the store left and that's when this guy decided to open up to me.
he asked me what it was like working there just like every other person to ever come into the store and i gave him some generic answers. he let me know he was waiting for his "friend" to call him back or come up to the store and decide if the liberator we had in stock was the right one. while he waited, he told me all kinds of things about his life. turns out he had just gotten home about ten days before. he was a marine. when i asked how long he was home for he said, "hopefully not long. i'm trying to get back in. i hate civilian life. it's not for me."
"get back in? what do you mean?"
"i spent the last two years in a military prison."
"what'd you do? sorry, i shouldn't ask that. i've got a bad habit of asking too many questions."
"no, no it's alright. i did what i had to do. they tried to say that i went beyond what i should have. those motherfuckers weren't there. i did what had to be done."
"so you're out of prison...out of the service? dishonorable discharge and all of that?"
"yes ma'am. as soon as i got back here i started working on my case to get back in. it's the only thing i love doinfightin's what i got in me."
"well good luck with all that. what was prison like?"
*at this point, he lifted up his shirt to show me where he had been stabbed over his heart. hard to miss was his iron cross tattoo covering the scar. he also had one of these in the center of his chest:
not all of his tattoos were so white power, he also had a black and gray Chucky tattoo on his right arm. (while irrelevant, i felt that was worth mentioning)
This might not be the type of conversation most people would enjoy, but i've got such a fascination with prison gangs, the Brotherhood in particular. I've only talked to a few other people who've been involved with them but their stories are pretty similar for the most part.
"well, when i first got into the prison here (stateside) i had to figure out how it was gonna be for me. i'm sure you've figured out my affiliation by my tattoos."
"well, yeah it's pretty obvious. how'd you get into all that, though?"
"well there's a story behind it. not too many guys could pronounce my last name except for the 'berg' when i first got there. then one day, i was carrying a bag with me when this guy tried to grab it. i kicked him in the chest and knocked him back. after i fucked him up, a bunch of guys invited me in with them. they all called mossberg. said i could kick like a shotgun."
he didn't get into details as far as the Brotherhood goes and i didn't ask any more questions. instead, he taught me a trick some guys use in prison to get off. since i personally have no use for this information, maybe someone who reads this will try it out.
HOW TO MAKE A POCKET PUSSY: PRISON EDITION
step 1. take two latex gloves and fill them with liquid of your choice. the thicker the liquid, the better (one guy apparently used bread pudding when it was available)
step 2. tie off the ends of the gloves so the liquid doesn't come out
step 3. tie the fingers of the gloves together, creating a pocket between the two "palms"
step 4. find a lubricant: spit, olive oil, butter, soap, etc. and apply it to the penis
step 5. fuck the space between the two gloves (remember! more pressure=tighter feeling)
i asked if he'd ever done it and rather than give me a straight answer, he just said, "in prison, you get bored and you come up with lots of different ways of staying entertained." then he told me about one time he went to get an apple from the walk-in and caught a guy using some gloves to get off. i laughed and asked him if he watched. he didn't think that was funny.
he saw some mints on the counter and started talking about oral sex and the whole mint/cinnamon/cough drop thing....gave me some advice and suggested i try them with my boyfriend. he bought some cheap little thing--said he felt like he should since he had taken up so much of my time. when he paid with a card, i asked for id and all he had was his inmate badge. he said he has fun with it at church (he's gone with his grandma since returning). when he was asked why he was sent to prison in the first place his response was, "i was a choir boy and i ended up killing a priest." then he laughed. for a good minute. without blinking. i wonder if his grandma thought it was that funny.
__________________
5.03.2010
in the name of the cripple, the bowleg, and the six dollars they spent
i'm standing behind the counter like always when three women walk in two women walk in pushing a wheelchair. one is tall and thin presenting a decent amount of cleavage. the other is short, fat, bow-legged, and appears to be wearing the same size shirt as the thin one. the woman in the wheelchair has two-inch long fake nails, tinted glasses, fake lashes, a ring on every finger, gold watch, and red lipstick. she also has one leg [good thing i have an amputee phobia] covered in fishnet and on her one foot, a 4-inch stiletto. "stilos" (pronounced stee-lows) she calls them. once i've taken it all in, i look away and say hello to the trio. the big girl squeals at the sight of a high-heel shoe chair before straddling it and exclaiming, "imagine the shit you could do on this, girl!" i laugh which causes her to look over her shoulder at me-still hugging the chair-smile, and say "oh, how you doin?" hell of an entrance.
the thin girl picks up some display shoes and starts to try them on. i let her know about some sale and the lady in the chair says, "ooh look they got my stilos!" and asks me what comes in a 9. i can't put words to how uncomfortable i was when i bent down to help her and found myself inches away from where her right foot would have been. i tried hard not to show how legitimately afraid i was when she asked, "now, do i get half off since i only need one shoe?" that was all it took. from then on, we were cool. and i said to her, "that's great...i'm sure you mess with people all the time like that."
"oh i have to...i'll ask if i can get half off shoes or if there's anyway i can get two lefts. girl, you should see the way people look at me when i say all that." the big girl looks at me and says, "really, she do. everywhere we go."
hung out by the shoes for a minute before the crew made their way to "all the nasty stuff back there." big girl sees something she likes: "CLONE-A-DICK! so i can really tell that boyfriend to get the fuck on. after i get a clone of his dick." all three laugh and the one-legged woman *high-fives who i've learned by now are her daughters. they browse some more before the daughters walk around the counter and leave their mother. the big girl says, "mama, come here." then i hear, "child, i can't move over there i've got too much stuff in my hands." i look up and notice the woman's chair is facing opposite the direction she needs to go, she's got a purse in one hand, and a paper bag in the other. i offer to hold something for her and she hands me the paper bag which i set on the counter. i wanted to look inside so badly but i didn't...when they left she said "oh i forgot my tacos" for those of you were wondering. anyway, i take her bag and she reverses it and rolls toward her girls.
i knew she'd flip over the stocking selection since it was obvious she took pride in her leg, what with the way she had decorated it and all. i learned she had a penchant for lace and took a mental note that we needed some more of that on my next order. her daughters browsed and brought over a nurse outfit to show her. "oh you wanna play doctor? i'm gonna clean him up and beat his ass in that."
i sensed our time together was coming to an end when i rang up some fake eyelashes for mom and a pair of fishnets for the skinny, silent daughter. the big girl didn't get anything because we were out of the "bigger and better dildo" she had her heart set on. she assured me she would be back. mom said to no one in particular, "soon i get my money on my card, ima rack up on some sexy shit."
the skinny girl headed for the door and big girl got behind the chair. when she went to turn her around she slammed her mom's only leg into a wooden box on the floor and then the wall. her mom said, "oh my goodness, child! destruction!" i couldn't help but laugh. it was cool, they both did the same. the mom talked shit to her daughter about not being a good "driver."
then they rolled out.
*is it a low-five since she's in a wheelchair?
the thin girl picks up some display shoes and starts to try them on. i let her know about some sale and the lady in the chair says, "ooh look they got my stilos!" and asks me what comes in a 9. i can't put words to how uncomfortable i was when i bent down to help her and found myself inches away from where her right foot would have been. i tried hard not to show how legitimately afraid i was when she asked, "now, do i get half off since i only need one shoe?" that was all it took. from then on, we were cool. and i said to her, "that's great...i'm sure you mess with people all the time like that."
"oh i have to...i'll ask if i can get half off shoes or if there's anyway i can get two lefts. girl, you should see the way people look at me when i say all that." the big girl looks at me and says, "really, she do. everywhere we go."
hung out by the shoes for a minute before the crew made their way to "all the nasty stuff back there." big girl sees something she likes: "CLONE-A-DICK! so i can really tell that boyfriend to get the fuck on. after i get a clone of his dick." all three laugh and the one-legged woman *high-fives who i've learned by now are her daughters. they browse some more before the daughters walk around the counter and leave their mother. the big girl says, "mama, come here." then i hear, "child, i can't move over there i've got too much stuff in my hands." i look up and notice the woman's chair is facing opposite the direction she needs to go, she's got a purse in one hand, and a paper bag in the other. i offer to hold something for her and she hands me the paper bag which i set on the counter. i wanted to look inside so badly but i didn't...when they left she said "oh i forgot my tacos" for those of you were wondering. anyway, i take her bag and she reverses it and rolls toward her girls.
i knew she'd flip over the stocking selection since it was obvious she took pride in her leg, what with the way she had decorated it and all. i learned she had a penchant for lace and took a mental note that we needed some more of that on my next order. her daughters browsed and brought over a nurse outfit to show her. "oh you wanna play doctor? i'm gonna clean him up and beat his ass in that."
i sensed our time together was coming to an end when i rang up some fake eyelashes for mom and a pair of fishnets for the skinny, silent daughter. the big girl didn't get anything because we were out of the "bigger and better dildo" she had her heart set on. she assured me she would be back. mom said to no one in particular, "soon i get my money on my card, ima rack up on some sexy shit."
the skinny girl headed for the door and big girl got behind the chair. when she went to turn her around she slammed her mom's only leg into a wooden box on the floor and then the wall. her mom said, "oh my goodness, child! destruction!" i couldn't help but laugh. it was cool, they both did the same. the mom talked shit to her daughter about not being a good "driver."
then they rolled out.
*is it a low-five since she's in a wheelchair?
5.02.2010
hunk of burning (child) love
if johnny cash and vegas-style elvis had a black lovechild, this woman would have been it. as soon as she walks through the door, i see rhinestones of blue and silver all over her shirt--which is black with an oversized lapel and it's tucked into black jeans. jeans, i might add, that look as though they'll bust at any moment. black belt/huge buckle (of course). she was stylin! did i mention she had a lazy eye? she did.
as she makes her way through the store, i get to know her. about her boyfriend that her kids don't approve of. how she hasn't had sex in almost ten years and she's ready to "get sexy." she was a pretty average customer (besides her outfit)...in the beginning.
when she reached the back of the store, she started looking at all kinds of toys. she didn't ask any questions about things she could use for herself or her boyfriend. instead, she was curious to learn about what we had for men to use. i show her some pocket pussies and explain to her their basic function. here's when she set herself apart....the next things to come out of her mouth were to be some of the more memorable comments a customer has ever made. some of them upsetting, others hilarious....
elvis on pocket pussies: "if they got this, why do they need to mess with little kids? why can't they just use these on themselves and leave those little kids alone? i had to go to court the other day because i just found out my grandbaby was abused by my daughter's boyfriend. i swear i almost passed out in that courtroom. i saw him and i saw that little girl gettin upset and trying to hide and child, i couldn't breathe. i was so mad. why they need to mess with little kids like that? maybe if he had something like this, he would have left her alone."
i explained to her it wasn't that simple...that the point of "messing with kids" had very little to do with just trying to get off and that the child is a necessary component. it's disturbing to me how little is understood about pedophilia...maybe i watch too much SVU.
anyway, she tells me some more of her grandchild's molestation and just when i feel like i should either give her a hug or throw up, she walks away. she doesn't go far at all. about ten steps, actually. she was practically on the verge of tears when all of a sudden, she speaks: OOOH I LOVE ME SOME SEXY SEXY STOCKINGS!
okay?....
she continues her way back around to the front of the store and abruptly changes the subject again. this time, the topic is her weight loss through belly dancing. belly dancing that, like her boyfriend, her kids don't agree with. "they say i'm too old to be doing that kind of stuff. can you believe i'm 51 years old?" (i can. she looks even older than that, but i tell her no anyway) "they say that belly dancing really helps to flatten out your stomach. i don't want to be too skinny though, nobody likes that. i wanna keep some of these curves." **i should have mentioned before that this woman had more of an ass in the front so when she says "curves" i immediately picture her naked. [that's definitely something i wish i could turn off...gross] "i'm going to wait until i lose some weight before i buy anything like this (holds up some lingerie) but i'm glad i know you're here now. ima definitely be back here. you know what i don't understand? [at this point, i hope you've realized that this woman is incapable of staying on one particular subject for more than a few minutes and fails to make any attempt at a segue onto another] i don't see how people can get up to be five, six hundred pounds. and who are these people who keep on feeding them. they stay in bed their whole life. i think the people givin them whatever they want must want to keep them that way. it's just disgusting to me. they can't shower. can't do anything. that ain't no kind of life."
i agree with her last statement. she starts fanning herself. "ooh i've got an infection right now and i can't breathe because i've got asthma, too. woo, child! it hurts." should i have let her use my inhaler? i'll never know. she jumps back onto the topic of morbid obesity as she pays for some random items. "i don't understand how people get so big. the food's still gonna be there when you die. you'll never be able to eat all of it." <--- that's what you'd call wisdom
i tell her i hope everything works out with her family (i figured since our conversation was so fragmented and disorganized that it wouldn't throw her off) and that i'm sorry she's dealing with so much. she smiles at me and leaves. with the door open, she waves to me and puts on a pair of sunglasses. "thank you, child. i'll be back soon! need to get me some of that sexy, sexy."
as she makes her way through the store, i get to know her. about her boyfriend that her kids don't approve of. how she hasn't had sex in almost ten years and she's ready to "get sexy." she was a pretty average customer (besides her outfit)...in the beginning.
when she reached the back of the store, she started looking at all kinds of toys. she didn't ask any questions about things she could use for herself or her boyfriend. instead, she was curious to learn about what we had for men to use. i show her some pocket pussies and explain to her their basic function. here's when she set herself apart....the next things to come out of her mouth were to be some of the more memorable comments a customer has ever made. some of them upsetting, others hilarious....
elvis on pocket pussies: "if they got this, why do they need to mess with little kids? why can't they just use these on themselves and leave those little kids alone? i had to go to court the other day because i just found out my grandbaby was abused by my daughter's boyfriend. i swear i almost passed out in that courtroom. i saw him and i saw that little girl gettin upset and trying to hide and child, i couldn't breathe. i was so mad. why they need to mess with little kids like that? maybe if he had something like this, he would have left her alone."
i explained to her it wasn't that simple...that the point of "messing with kids" had very little to do with just trying to get off and that the child is a necessary component. it's disturbing to me how little is understood about pedophilia...maybe i watch too much SVU.
anyway, she tells me some more of her grandchild's molestation and just when i feel like i should either give her a hug or throw up, she walks away. she doesn't go far at all. about ten steps, actually. she was practically on the verge of tears when all of a sudden, she speaks: OOOH I LOVE ME SOME SEXY SEXY STOCKINGS!
okay?....
she continues her way back around to the front of the store and abruptly changes the subject again. this time, the topic is her weight loss through belly dancing. belly dancing that, like her boyfriend, her kids don't agree with. "they say i'm too old to be doing that kind of stuff. can you believe i'm 51 years old?" (i can. she looks even older than that, but i tell her no anyway) "they say that belly dancing really helps to flatten out your stomach. i don't want to be too skinny though, nobody likes that. i wanna keep some of these curves." **i should have mentioned before that this woman had more of an ass in the front so when she says "curves" i immediately picture her naked. [that's definitely something i wish i could turn off...gross] "i'm going to wait until i lose some weight before i buy anything like this (holds up some lingerie) but i'm glad i know you're here now. ima definitely be back here. you know what i don't understand? [at this point, i hope you've realized that this woman is incapable of staying on one particular subject for more than a few minutes and fails to make any attempt at a segue onto another] i don't see how people can get up to be five, six hundred pounds. and who are these people who keep on feeding them. they stay in bed their whole life. i think the people givin them whatever they want must want to keep them that way. it's just disgusting to me. they can't shower. can't do anything. that ain't no kind of life."
i agree with her last statement. she starts fanning herself. "ooh i've got an infection right now and i can't breathe because i've got asthma, too. woo, child! it hurts." should i have let her use my inhaler? i'll never know. she jumps back onto the topic of morbid obesity as she pays for some random items. "i don't understand how people get so big. the food's still gonna be there when you die. you'll never be able to eat all of it." <--- that's what you'd call wisdom
i tell her i hope everything works out with her family (i figured since our conversation was so fragmented and disorganized that it wouldn't throw her off) and that i'm sorry she's dealing with so much. she smiles at me and leaves. with the door open, she waves to me and puts on a pair of sunglasses. "thank you, child. i'll be back soon! need to get me some of that sexy, sexy."
affairs to remember
before i get into the tawdry details, i want to dedicate this entry to all the cheaters out there...thanks for helping me pay my rent by breaking hearts and wrecking homes.
i've heard it all: women cheating on their husbands, husbands cheating on wives, regulars spending money on other strippers on the down low...people lie all the time and unfortunately, i play a role in these indiscretions. it takes a lot for me to remain hopeful sometimes when it comes to love and trust after being exposed to such things. so rather than become jaded and cynical, i take the opportunity to turn it into a story. to clear my own conscience and remove the sense of responsibility that comes with knowing about these affairs. at least this way, i'm not the one keeping secrets. and if anything good can come of it, maybe someone will find it entertaining.
______________________________
one afternoon, a man walked into the store and looked around for a little while. nothing out of the ordinary since the men who come in never ask for help right away, even if they haven't a clue what they're looking for. so after the initial no-i'm-just-looking-5-minute-wander this guy admits "i guess i do need some help." i walk around to him and ask him what it is he's looking for. "i want something that's going to drive her crazy. i mean, i already do a good enough job driving her crazy but that's another story." i help him pick out some things and take them to the register. "so may i ask what you mean by you drive her crazy already?" the guy says, "well, i have to make this good because we can only see each other for another two weeks." i inquire, "what's with the time limit?" he says, "i'm getting married in two weeks and that's when the party's over." while i'm writing up his receipt (modern technology was on vacation that day) i ask him, "does your future wife live far away or something?" he tells me "no. she lives about two miles away." i just said something along the lines of "oh" and told him his total. i was obviously distracted since i tried to give him back the amount due as change. at least this guy-however unfaithful he was to his fiance-was honest when it came to me...a complete stranger. he pointed out my mistake and gave me the money back for the correct change. the lesson learned: money>love.
______________________________
the next cheater came in about a week after that and this time it was a female. early morning. and asked for help right away. she was looking for some whips and paddles for her "friend." we got to talking about domination and flogging. she said i made her feel comfortable. i believed her when she started to tell me more. turns out her "friend" was actually a co-worker. a man close to her in age yet married to a woman 16 years his junior. she told me all about how their relationship started out as most others...some flirting here and there, smiling at one another while others around them weren't paying attention, pretty innocent stuff.
"then one day, he came into the room i was working with a patient in and said to me 'when are you going to take me home with you?' girl, i couldn't believe that. a few days later we finally got together after work and that same night we slept together. he started opening up to me about some of the things he wanted me to do...about how he really wanted a woman to tell him what to do and beat him up a little bit but his wife wasn't into those kinds of things and she said there was something wrong with him the first time he brought it up so he stopped asking."
me: what kinds of things is he into?
"he comes over sometimes and just cleans my house. my son came upstairs one day all confused and said 'mama is he down there doin laundry?' (we both laughed) girl, he loves it. he always wants me to boss him around and talk down to him like call him names and all kinds of things like that. now he likes me hitting him. there was one time i really gave him a beating and he said 'oooh that was good. that felt just like how my granny used to whoop me when i was little.' i wonder where that comes from? why he likes that kind of thing."
me: a lot of psychologists say fetishes come from childhood. maybe when you beat him like his granny used to, he feels good because she used to take care of him, too. there could be a few different explanations. you could look it up on the internet or get books if you really want to understand it. it's not like it makes you uncomfortable does it?
"no. i actually really like it. it makes me feel so much better when i can just beat on him and boss him around."
me: so do you ever wonder why that kind of thing makes you feel good?
"not until now! that's a good point. i never thought of it that way. all i know is i'm happy and it makes him happy. he says he looks forward to coming over and always thinks about me when he's home. he even calls me and tells me he misses me. we just said 'i love you' to each other recently. lord, it makes me feel so much better to be able to talk to you about this."
me: well, obviously i don't think any of the things you do are weird at all since i'm exposed to it everyday. it's pretty normal to me. whatever makes you happy.
"oh and i am. i am so happy."
the moral of this story: love hurts.
i've heard it all: women cheating on their husbands, husbands cheating on wives, regulars spending money on other strippers on the down low...people lie all the time and unfortunately, i play a role in these indiscretions. it takes a lot for me to remain hopeful sometimes when it comes to love and trust after being exposed to such things. so rather than become jaded and cynical, i take the opportunity to turn it into a story. to clear my own conscience and remove the sense of responsibility that comes with knowing about these affairs. at least this way, i'm not the one keeping secrets. and if anything good can come of it, maybe someone will find it entertaining.
______________________________
one afternoon, a man walked into the store and looked around for a little while. nothing out of the ordinary since the men who come in never ask for help right away, even if they haven't a clue what they're looking for. so after the initial no-i'm-just-looking-5-minute-wander this guy admits "i guess i do need some help." i walk around to him and ask him what it is he's looking for. "i want something that's going to drive her crazy. i mean, i already do a good enough job driving her crazy but that's another story." i help him pick out some things and take them to the register. "so may i ask what you mean by you drive her crazy already?" the guy says, "well, i have to make this good because we can only see each other for another two weeks." i inquire, "what's with the time limit?" he says, "i'm getting married in two weeks and that's when the party's over." while i'm writing up his receipt (modern technology was on vacation that day) i ask him, "does your future wife live far away or something?" he tells me "no. she lives about two miles away." i just said something along the lines of "oh" and told him his total. i was obviously distracted since i tried to give him back the amount due as change. at least this guy-however unfaithful he was to his fiance-was honest when it came to me...a complete stranger. he pointed out my mistake and gave me the money back for the correct change. the lesson learned: money>love.
______________________________
the next cheater came in about a week after that and this time it was a female. early morning. and asked for help right away. she was looking for some whips and paddles for her "friend." we got to talking about domination and flogging. she said i made her feel comfortable. i believed her when she started to tell me more. turns out her "friend" was actually a co-worker. a man close to her in age yet married to a woman 16 years his junior. she told me all about how their relationship started out as most others...some flirting here and there, smiling at one another while others around them weren't paying attention, pretty innocent stuff.
"then one day, he came into the room i was working with a patient in and said to me 'when are you going to take me home with you?' girl, i couldn't believe that. a few days later we finally got together after work and that same night we slept together. he started opening up to me about some of the things he wanted me to do...about how he really wanted a woman to tell him what to do and beat him up a little bit but his wife wasn't into those kinds of things and she said there was something wrong with him the first time he brought it up so he stopped asking."
me: what kinds of things is he into?
"he comes over sometimes and just cleans my house. my son came upstairs one day all confused and said 'mama is he down there doin laundry?' (we both laughed) girl, he loves it. he always wants me to boss him around and talk down to him like call him names and all kinds of things like that. now he likes me hitting him. there was one time i really gave him a beating and he said 'oooh that was good. that felt just like how my granny used to whoop me when i was little.' i wonder where that comes from? why he likes that kind of thing."
me: a lot of psychologists say fetishes come from childhood. maybe when you beat him like his granny used to, he feels good because she used to take care of him, too. there could be a few different explanations. you could look it up on the internet or get books if you really want to understand it. it's not like it makes you uncomfortable does it?
"no. i actually really like it. it makes me feel so much better when i can just beat on him and boss him around."
me: so do you ever wonder why that kind of thing makes you feel good?
"not until now! that's a good point. i never thought of it that way. all i know is i'm happy and it makes him happy. he says he looks forward to coming over and always thinks about me when he's home. he even calls me and tells me he misses me. we just said 'i love you' to each other recently. lord, it makes me feel so much better to be able to talk to you about this."
me: well, obviously i don't think any of the things you do are weird at all since i'm exposed to it everyday. it's pretty normal to me. whatever makes you happy.
"oh and i am. i am so happy."
the moral of this story: love hurts.
ho ho oh no
for me, christmas comes about once every two weeks. santa is one of my most regular customers and each time he comes in, i feel like i get a little closer to him. i'm not sure i like that or not...anyhow, the last time he came in was a couple weeks ago. morning (as usual) and there was nobody else in the store. the first thing he says to me after i ask him how he's been is "i bet this job is pretty entertaining." i smiled. opened up my notebook. and got ready for what i was sure would be another pleasant conversation. he was all over the place. covered a lot of different topics: from porn to power tools. strange man, santa.
1.
i ask him how his day's going and he tells me about how he had been planning to take his mower out on a few jobs but that got put off because some neighbors broke into his shed. apparently this is a common occurence as there have been a total of fifteen chainsaws stolen. all by the same people. all from the same shed. he said they sell them for drug money.
2.
next he asks me if we have any "weird porn" before he grabs this from the shelf:
he asks me if i've ever done anything involving getting all "oiled up" and then tells me a story:
once i went on this cruise and we ended up in a motel in south carolina one night. a friend and i had a bottle of baby oil. it was messy but you know it wasn't all that great. we did have fun soaping each other up afterward though. let's just say the people at the hotel weren't too happy with the way we left the room.
3.
i've grown accustomed to answering personal questions that would probably offend--if not frighten/enrage--most people on a daily basis without giving it a second thought...however, when it comes to this guy, i can't help but squirm a little. especially when i hear him ask "so you ever play with any of these toys?" i answered him: "some of them, sometimes" but that's where the conversation ended...which actually made me more uncomfortable because it caused me to wonder what he was thinking when he stopped talking and just stared into space for a minute... gross.
breaks the silence with a change of subject..."i see that tattoo on your arm. i had a former employee with a tattoo on the back of his neck. you know bacardi 151? he had that logo tattooed on him. yeah, but he's in prison now."
these "stories" were pretty lame i suppose. but you have to remember!...this dude looks like santa claus, sounds like wilford brimley, and smells like hot garbage.
his last anecdote was actually disturbing.
4.
"i knew a police officer who worked up there in beverly hills. he used to pull over african american women and instead of giving them tickets, he'd get sex from them. yeah, but that was a while ago. i don't talk to him anymore." hearing that, i really wondered if it was worth it to keep the conversation going and said, "so those are the kinds of people you're friends with, huh?"
he defensively came back with, "no, no i wouldn't consider him a friend. he was just more of an acquaintance." i guess that makes it alright. right?
1.
i ask him how his day's going and he tells me about how he had been planning to take his mower out on a few jobs but that got put off because some neighbors broke into his shed. apparently this is a common occurence as there have been a total of fifteen chainsaws stolen. all by the same people. all from the same shed. he said they sell them for drug money.
2.
next he asks me if we have any "weird porn" before he grabs this from the shelf: he asks me if i've ever done anything involving getting all "oiled up" and then tells me a story:
once i went on this cruise and we ended up in a motel in south carolina one night. a friend and i had a bottle of baby oil. it was messy but you know it wasn't all that great. we did have fun soaping each other up afterward though. let's just say the people at the hotel weren't too happy with the way we left the room.
3.
i've grown accustomed to answering personal questions that would probably offend--if not frighten/enrage--most people on a daily basis without giving it a second thought...however, when it comes to this guy, i can't help but squirm a little. especially when i hear him ask "so you ever play with any of these toys?" i answered him: "some of them, sometimes" but that's where the conversation ended...which actually made me more uncomfortable because it caused me to wonder what he was thinking when he stopped talking and just stared into space for a minute... gross.
breaks the silence with a change of subject..."i see that tattoo on your arm. i had a former employee with a tattoo on the back of his neck. you know bacardi 151? he had that logo tattooed on him. yeah, but he's in prison now."
these "stories" were pretty lame i suppose. but you have to remember!...this dude looks like santa claus, sounds like wilford brimley, and smells like hot garbage.
his last anecdote was actually disturbing.
4.
"i knew a police officer who worked up there in beverly hills. he used to pull over african american women and instead of giving them tickets, he'd get sex from them. yeah, but that was a while ago. i don't talk to him anymore." hearing that, i really wondered if it was worth it to keep the conversation going and said, "so those are the kinds of people you're friends with, huh?"
he defensively came back with, "no, no i wouldn't consider him a friend. he was just more of an acquaintance." i guess that makes it alright. right?
4.03.2010
training day
summer 2009
in august i had to hire someone to fill a position. my trainee [who came to be known as "the goth"] was a younger girl with black and purple hair and a chronic case of lipstick on the teeth. she also spoke slowly and seemed to be on drugs--i later found out she had been taking some serious medication for a neurological disorder. she also had no retail experience and had never worked alone before (a requirement of the job). despite all of that, she was sweet and since i'm a sucker for anyone i feel has a good heart, i wanted to give her a chance. it was going to be a test for me to see how well i could train someone.
a few hours into her first day, it was pretty slow--usually when it's nice out, we don't do too much business until later. so when two people walked into the door, i figured it would be no problem for her to help them out. then i looked closer and noticed that this was no ordinary couple.
black man/black woman. both homeless. the man was wearing a heavy coat even though it had to be 80 degrees outside and was carrying a paper grocery bag in one of his hands. the woman had a little more going on. starting from the bottom up. brown men's dress shoes. tights. a long gray skirt. a black blouse under a navy blazer that had miscellaneous pins (none too memorable) on the lapel. a blonde, chin-length, curly wig topped off with a baseball cap that said "POLICE." whistle around her neck. she had a plastic THANK YOU bag in her hand containing paper and two empty cans.
before the goth had a chance to greet them, the woman spoke.
police woman: excuse me do you sell dental dams?
goth: [looked at me indicating she had forgotten where they were]
me: oh yeah they're right over here. how many do you need?
police woman: [looks at the man who at this point hasn't spoken] how many you think we need?
man: [whispers in her ear]
police woman: we gonna need about three
me: ok, anything else? [i hand them to the goth and have her start ringing them up while i stand next to her behind the counter]
police woman: no how much are those?
me: one ninety-five
police woman: A HUNDRED AND NINETY-FIVE DOLLARS!? GOOD LORD!
me: no. one dollar and ninety-five cents.
police woman: oh ok girl. how do you use these?
{this is the part where i explained it to her}
police woman: oh can you re-use them?
me: you probably shouldn't. just like you shouldn't re-use a condom.
police woman: well can i clean it off?
an impatient/amused me: you can do whatever you want with them i guess but i'm not recommending you do that. it would sort of defeat the purpose.
police woman: ok i see what you're saying. you know what i'm glad y'all have a store like this around here. there's no place in the city for black girls to get condoms (um, heard of a drug store? liquor store?) and stay safe. that's why they all be having babies and gettin AIDS. you know that's what they tryin to do right? you know what they're doin down in texas? george bush live there and they're lettin girls get raped and not testing them for any diseases. i was at the hospital down there once and i heard some nurses talking...my mom's from puerto rico so i can understand mexican...and i was in there and a girl had been brought in because she got raped and i heard those mexican nurses saying "don't worry about her, she's a nigger anyway. they all already got it."
me: that's terrible
police woman: yeah well george bush don't care. they all act like none of that ain't happenin. you know they rapin and killin black girls down there and leaving their heads up on street signs. such a terrible thing. and nobody knows about it. that's why i gotta tell you.
me: seems like somebody should try and do something. maybe tell the news stations to talk about it.
police woman: yeah girl. i know.
man: [whispers in her ear again]
police woman: well, we better be goin now. i'll definitely be back here. bless you.
the goth: have a nice day.
the goth and i take a moment to reflect while we're alone in the store. after about two minutes, a woman walks in. there's nothing that stands out about her-nothing weird, nothing funny-just a lady in a yellow shirt who came in "just to look."
the door opens. it's the police woman. she yells across the store to me from the entrance "Y'ALL GOT THEM DILDOS THAT MAKE YOU CUM?" and walks up to the register where i'm waiting with her answer. "yes." (honestly, what else would i say?)
police woman: how much those cost about?
me: anywhere from five to a hundred and fifty dollars.
police woman: ok i'll be back for one of those i gotta save my money.
she walks out and leaves. doesn't come back inside.
i had noticed the woman in the yellow shirt shaking her head and i just smile at her. then she says "girl, she crazy"
me: oh no, was she bothering you outside?
yellow: you wanna know what she told me? she said, "you got any kids, ma'am?" and i told her i had a daughter. (who knows why she would tell her that but i'm glad she did) she said "well when she gets to high school you need to go in that store and buy something for her. they got the dildos that go in the pussy and the ass. you get that for your daughter so she can do it to herself and that way she won't have to go get it from a little boy."
i apologized then laughed. looked at the goth who had been speechless the entire time. then she asked me, "do things like that happen all the time?"
my honest answer: not really. but i wish they did.
***the goth lasted about three weeks on her own before she got too creeped out to do the job***
in august i had to hire someone to fill a position. my trainee [who came to be known as "the goth"] was a younger girl with black and purple hair and a chronic case of lipstick on the teeth. she also spoke slowly and seemed to be on drugs--i later found out she had been taking some serious medication for a neurological disorder. she also had no retail experience and had never worked alone before (a requirement of the job). despite all of that, she was sweet and since i'm a sucker for anyone i feel has a good heart, i wanted to give her a chance. it was going to be a test for me to see how well i could train someone.
a few hours into her first day, it was pretty slow--usually when it's nice out, we don't do too much business until later. so when two people walked into the door, i figured it would be no problem for her to help them out. then i looked closer and noticed that this was no ordinary couple.
black man/black woman. both homeless. the man was wearing a heavy coat even though it had to be 80 degrees outside and was carrying a paper grocery bag in one of his hands. the woman had a little more going on. starting from the bottom up. brown men's dress shoes. tights. a long gray skirt. a black blouse under a navy blazer that had miscellaneous pins (none too memorable) on the lapel. a blonde, chin-length, curly wig topped off with a baseball cap that said "POLICE." whistle around her neck. she had a plastic THANK YOU bag in her hand containing paper and two empty cans.
before the goth had a chance to greet them, the woman spoke.
police woman: excuse me do you sell dental dams?
goth: [looked at me indicating she had forgotten where they were]
me: oh yeah they're right over here. how many do you need?
police woman: [looks at the man who at this point hasn't spoken] how many you think we need?
man: [whispers in her ear]
police woman: we gonna need about three
me: ok, anything else? [i hand them to the goth and have her start ringing them up while i stand next to her behind the counter]
police woman: no how much are those?
me: one ninety-five
police woman: A HUNDRED AND NINETY-FIVE DOLLARS!? GOOD LORD!
me: no. one dollar and ninety-five cents.
police woman: oh ok girl. how do you use these?
{this is the part where i explained it to her}
police woman: oh can you re-use them?
me: you probably shouldn't. just like you shouldn't re-use a condom.
police woman: well can i clean it off?
an impatient/amused me: you can do whatever you want with them i guess but i'm not recommending you do that. it would sort of defeat the purpose.
police woman: ok i see what you're saying. you know what i'm glad y'all have a store like this around here. there's no place in the city for black girls to get condoms (um, heard of a drug store? liquor store?) and stay safe. that's why they all be having babies and gettin AIDS. you know that's what they tryin to do right? you know what they're doin down in texas? george bush live there and they're lettin girls get raped and not testing them for any diseases. i was at the hospital down there once and i heard some nurses talking...my mom's from puerto rico so i can understand mexican...and i was in there and a girl had been brought in because she got raped and i heard those mexican nurses saying "don't worry about her, she's a nigger anyway. they all already got it."
me: that's terrible
police woman: yeah well george bush don't care. they all act like none of that ain't happenin. you know they rapin and killin black girls down there and leaving their heads up on street signs. such a terrible thing. and nobody knows about it. that's why i gotta tell you.
me: seems like somebody should try and do something. maybe tell the news stations to talk about it.
police woman: yeah girl. i know.
man: [whispers in her ear again]
police woman: well, we better be goin now. i'll definitely be back here. bless you.
the goth: have a nice day.
the goth and i take a moment to reflect while we're alone in the store. after about two minutes, a woman walks in. there's nothing that stands out about her-nothing weird, nothing funny-just a lady in a yellow shirt who came in "just to look."
the door opens. it's the police woman. she yells across the store to me from the entrance "Y'ALL GOT THEM DILDOS THAT MAKE YOU CUM?" and walks up to the register where i'm waiting with her answer. "yes." (honestly, what else would i say?)
police woman: how much those cost about?
me: anywhere from five to a hundred and fifty dollars.
police woman: ok i'll be back for one of those i gotta save my money.
she walks out and leaves. doesn't come back inside.
i had noticed the woman in the yellow shirt shaking her head and i just smile at her. then she says "girl, she crazy"
me: oh no, was she bothering you outside?
yellow: you wanna know what she told me? she said, "you got any kids, ma'am?" and i told her i had a daughter. (who knows why she would tell her that but i'm glad she did) she said "well when she gets to high school you need to go in that store and buy something for her. they got the dildos that go in the pussy and the ass. you get that for your daughter so she can do it to herself and that way she won't have to go get it from a little boy."
i apologized then laughed. looked at the goth who had been speechless the entire time. then she asked me, "do things like that happen all the time?"
my honest answer: not really. but i wish they did.
***the goth lasted about three weeks on her own before she got too creeped out to do the job***
3.20.2010
redemption in the form of a hoodrat
3.19.10
friday night. when i worked last saturday night, i was disappointed. hardly any customers, much less anyone/anything worth writing about. but tonight....
the door opens, before i hear the chime i hear "NIGGAAAAA!" i look up and see it's this woman who was in the store on tuesday. she was wearing an ill-fitting shirt that was stretched across her pregnant-looking-but-not-actually-with-child belly and coming up in the front. "out of my mind back in 5 minutes" written on the front in different fonts. she had her hair wrapped with a bandana...and when i got closer, she smelled like liquor. she had a friend with her who had to be no less than 6' with huge boobs and matching ass. the friend was quiet and didn't say much. i really didn't say much either. what i mean is i didn't have to ask any questions or crack any jokes to get this lady going....
so the stage is set. drunk ghetto mess walks in. yells "nigga." game on.
she looks at a rack and says, "aw this my shit right here! girl, look at this. 'i got the pussy so i make the rules' that's my shirt (not a typo, it was on a shirt) i'm about to get that." she grabs a shirt off of the rack and brings it up to me loling hard. "girl you seen this shirt? hey you got that shrinkin cream?" i grab a tube, "you mean this?"
"oh yeah that's it. i gotta get me some of that. get my pussy right." she sets the shirt on the counter and pulls out money to pay for it. i ask her "so do you want this cream right now, too?" an honest answer, "nah i'm gonna come back before my man get out." i just tell her "ok." which prompted her to formally introduce herself-naturally. i can't say what they are but her first, middle, and last name all begin with the letter m. "don't that name sound like some video shit? ahaha, giirrrrl that's my mama fuckin on a monday. hold my bag up here i wanna look around still." she reads a trashy thong aloud "dick magnet. i need to hang that shit on my lawn." at that point i couldn't help but laugh at the things i was hearing. she took inappropriate to another level for sure. of course there's more. but first you should know that at this point, a lone female and a group of three have also walked in.
she walks over to her friend who is shopping for herself, laughs some, i overhear her say "assume the position, nigga" then she makes her way back to the front of the store. from about 15 feet away: "you know tomorrow night that new moon twilight comin out. march 20th it's about to be ondemand. you know i'm gonna watch that. then i'm gonna call them and say 'i didn't see it. it was fuckin up.' you gotta learn how to fuck them [the cable company]" i say, "you won't." her reply, "you don't know nothin bout yes the fuck i will." awesome response. i laugh again. she brings the cream back up to me, "so that shrink cream that's what's up huh? ima get me some when my man gets out--(she repeated herself a lot)--you don't know nothin about some aloe at meijer." i wanted to know what she meant, "really? aloe?"
"mm hmm yes girl. i get some of that, put it in a douche bag and i'm happy."
"weird, i've never heard of that."
i'm pulled away by the woman shopping solo and answer a few questions. then, i'm grabbed by one of the three women shopping together and when i look at her i realize her friend is just walking around drinking one of those little bottles of wine, you know the ones that come in the 4-pack. yeah. just walking around the store drinking wine. i ring the three of them up and they leave.
the original two women come up to the counter and i help the quiet friend pick out some things. i ask "so what are you two up to tonight?"
"relaxin our pussies."
quiet friend laughs and says, "that's what she be sayin all the time."
ms. out of her mind leans on the counter and says, "you don't know nothin about the twilight hour. go to bed, kids." imagine her with her kids....jesus. while the friend pays, some jimmy eat world song starts playing. then, out of nowhere...something even funnier, more mind-blowing than anything else that had come out of her mouth... homegirl starts singing:
turn your head now baby just spit me out
the tune doesn't match the song playing...but it's definitely familiar. still singing, she pauses to ask "girl you know who sing that song? turn your head now baby just spit me out."
me: collective soul?
MOOHM: [hits her friend on the arm] you remember that shit. turn your head now baby just spit me out.
i finish her friend's transaction and before they leave i answer one more question.
"what's your name?"
"sara."
"sara, i'm gonna come up here all the time whenever you workin. that's my girl right there."
i really hope she does.
friday night. when i worked last saturday night, i was disappointed. hardly any customers, much less anyone/anything worth writing about. but tonight....
the door opens, before i hear the chime i hear "NIGGAAAAA!" i look up and see it's this woman who was in the store on tuesday. she was wearing an ill-fitting shirt that was stretched across her pregnant-looking-but-not-actually-with-child belly and coming up in the front. "out of my mind back in 5 minutes" written on the front in different fonts. she had her hair wrapped with a bandana...and when i got closer, she smelled like liquor. she had a friend with her who had to be no less than 6' with huge boobs and matching ass. the friend was quiet and didn't say much. i really didn't say much either. what i mean is i didn't have to ask any questions or crack any jokes to get this lady going....
so the stage is set. drunk ghetto mess walks in. yells "nigga." game on.
she looks at a rack and says, "aw this my shit right here! girl, look at this. 'i got the pussy so i make the rules' that's my shirt (not a typo, it was on a shirt) i'm about to get that." she grabs a shirt off of the rack and brings it up to me loling hard. "girl you seen this shirt? hey you got that shrinkin cream?" i grab a tube, "you mean this?"
"oh yeah that's it. i gotta get me some of that. get my pussy right." she sets the shirt on the counter and pulls out money to pay for it. i ask her "so do you want this cream right now, too?" an honest answer, "nah i'm gonna come back before my man get out." i just tell her "ok." which prompted her to formally introduce herself-naturally. i can't say what they are but her first, middle, and last name all begin with the letter m. "don't that name sound like some video shit? ahaha, giirrrrl that's my mama fuckin on a monday. hold my bag up here i wanna look around still." she reads a trashy thong aloud "dick magnet. i need to hang that shit on my lawn." at that point i couldn't help but laugh at the things i was hearing. she took inappropriate to another level for sure. of course there's more. but first you should know that at this point, a lone female and a group of three have also walked in.
she walks over to her friend who is shopping for herself, laughs some, i overhear her say "assume the position, nigga" then she makes her way back to the front of the store. from about 15 feet away: "you know tomorrow night that new moon twilight comin out. march 20th it's about to be ondemand. you know i'm gonna watch that. then i'm gonna call them and say 'i didn't see it. it was fuckin up.' you gotta learn how to fuck them [the cable company]" i say, "you won't." her reply, "you don't know nothin bout yes the fuck i will." awesome response. i laugh again. she brings the cream back up to me, "so that shrink cream that's what's up huh? ima get me some when my man gets out--(she repeated herself a lot)--you don't know nothin about some aloe at meijer." i wanted to know what she meant, "really? aloe?"
"mm hmm yes girl. i get some of that, put it in a douche bag and i'm happy."
"weird, i've never heard of that."
i'm pulled away by the woman shopping solo and answer a few questions. then, i'm grabbed by one of the three women shopping together and when i look at her i realize her friend is just walking around drinking one of those little bottles of wine, you know the ones that come in the 4-pack. yeah. just walking around the store drinking wine. i ring the three of them up and they leave.
the original two women come up to the counter and i help the quiet friend pick out some things. i ask "so what are you two up to tonight?"
"relaxin our pussies."
quiet friend laughs and says, "that's what she be sayin all the time."
ms. out of her mind leans on the counter and says, "you don't know nothin about the twilight hour. go to bed, kids." imagine her with her kids....jesus. while the friend pays, some jimmy eat world song starts playing. then, out of nowhere...something even funnier, more mind-blowing than anything else that had come out of her mouth... homegirl starts singing:
turn your head now baby just spit me out
the tune doesn't match the song playing...but it's definitely familiar. still singing, she pauses to ask "girl you know who sing that song? turn your head now baby just spit me out."
me: collective soul?
MOOHM: [hits her friend on the arm] you remember that shit. turn your head now baby just spit me out.
i finish her friend's transaction and before they leave i answer one more question.
"what's your name?"
"sara."
"sara, i'm gonna come up here all the time whenever you workin. that's my girl right there."
i really hope she does.
3.13.2010
"that place is the axis of dirtballs"
3.12.10
must have been 1pm on a slow friday shift. man walks in who couldn't be more than about 5'3" wearing a dirty, forest green sweatshirt, plain baseball hat, jeans, and work boots. a stocky little guy but not intimidating at all--he totally had a woman's voice. he walks over to the magazines and shoots me a look on the way. he seemed a little uncomfortable and weird. something was definitely up with him but i couldn't quite figure it out. he grabbed something in the way of big tits and brought it up to the corner to pay. every time i made eye contact with him, he looked down. alright, weirdo. have a nice day.
i go back to what i had been doing and notice on the camera of the parking lot that his work truck hasn't left. i decide to check back in a few minutes. still there. i zoom in and see that this guy is definitely, 100%, without a doubt, pants unzipped, cock out, not wearing a seat belt masturbating. NICE. i've seen a guy pee in a can in his car, another try on a cock ring, but this was my first time witnessing straight up self-love. it might make me a terrible person, but i didn't want to do anything about it because the idea of some normal lady pulling up and catching him seemed hilarious to me. then my better judgment kicked in and i knew i had to do something. i called my assistant to tell her what was going on and that i was about to bust this dude. she was into it. i walked out through the back door and stared in through his window. i didn't get too close because i didn't know how he'd react. this guy was a complete moron. he had to have heard the door open because he looked up and started looking around his truck over his shoulder....in every direction EXCEPT mine. when he thought the coast was clear, he brought his head around to get back to business and caught me in the corner of his eye. so there i am, standing with a phone in my hand (which i'm sure he thought i was using to call the police) and the other hand pointing at him. i just yell at him "you can't do that in my parking lot. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" without even taking the time to zip his pants up, he was out. such a rush. would be into doing that everyday.
***update***
flashlight santa came in yet again. this time, right after my night shift relief arrived. she reads this so she knew who he was immediately. motherfucker was wearing those suspenders again. still gross. he bought another basketball pump...sup with that? anyway, he came in and i thought i may as well strike up a conversation with him and see if he's got anything good to say. i ask him, "hey did you ever find out that woman's name? you know, the one your friend knew someone who could find out about for you?" he stops and pauses for a second before responding, "oh you know i did have someone find out her name for me. my friend knows someone who works on all that computer stuff. and that's really all the information you need. i saw her playing one night and she had great hair. she's a violinist in the orchestra. did you know one of the oldest living professionals are conductors?" my co-worker and i told him no, we did not know that but it was interesting. then he said he was heading home to take a nap. before he left he said, "now i just need somebody to hold onto." and motioned with big, open arms. all the while, holding a bag containing a penis pump.
must have been 1pm on a slow friday shift. man walks in who couldn't be more than about 5'3" wearing a dirty, forest green sweatshirt, plain baseball hat, jeans, and work boots. a stocky little guy but not intimidating at all--he totally had a woman's voice. he walks over to the magazines and shoots me a look on the way. he seemed a little uncomfortable and weird. something was definitely up with him but i couldn't quite figure it out. he grabbed something in the way of big tits and brought it up to the corner to pay. every time i made eye contact with him, he looked down. alright, weirdo. have a nice day.
i go back to what i had been doing and notice on the camera of the parking lot that his work truck hasn't left. i decide to check back in a few minutes. still there. i zoom in and see that this guy is definitely, 100%, without a doubt, pants unzipped, cock out, not wearing a seat belt masturbating. NICE. i've seen a guy pee in a can in his car, another try on a cock ring, but this was my first time witnessing straight up self-love. it might make me a terrible person, but i didn't want to do anything about it because the idea of some normal lady pulling up and catching him seemed hilarious to me. then my better judgment kicked in and i knew i had to do something. i called my assistant to tell her what was going on and that i was about to bust this dude. she was into it. i walked out through the back door and stared in through his window. i didn't get too close because i didn't know how he'd react. this guy was a complete moron. he had to have heard the door open because he looked up and started looking around his truck over his shoulder....in every direction EXCEPT mine. when he thought the coast was clear, he brought his head around to get back to business and caught me in the corner of his eye. so there i am, standing with a phone in my hand (which i'm sure he thought i was using to call the police) and the other hand pointing at him. i just yell at him "you can't do that in my parking lot. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" without even taking the time to zip his pants up, he was out. such a rush. would be into doing that everyday.
***update***
flashlight santa came in yet again. this time, right after my night shift relief arrived. she reads this so she knew who he was immediately. motherfucker was wearing those suspenders again. still gross. he bought another basketball pump...sup with that? anyway, he came in and i thought i may as well strike up a conversation with him and see if he's got anything good to say. i ask him, "hey did you ever find out that woman's name? you know, the one your friend knew someone who could find out about for you?" he stops and pauses for a second before responding, "oh you know i did have someone find out her name for me. my friend knows someone who works on all that computer stuff. and that's really all the information you need. i saw her playing one night and she had great hair. she's a violinist in the orchestra. did you know one of the oldest living professionals are conductors?" my co-worker and i told him no, we did not know that but it was interesting. then he said he was heading home to take a nap. before he left he said, "now i just need somebody to hold onto." and motioned with big, open arms. all the while, holding a bag containing a penis pump.
the doctor is out
3.4.10
The Doctor
two women walked into the store around noon. one said "hello" when she saw me. the other raised her voice to an inappropriate volume and let me know "y'all should put an entrance in the back. i don't want nobody to be seein' me walkin in here." i don't understand why people like her ever come in to begin with. they're good for nothing but negative commentary and "can't believe" what they see. i wish i could tell them to either get over it or just get out. but i can't....so i kept my distance. and it ended up working out. sort of.
the quiet friend brought her purchase to the counter and paid. while she was waiting for her credit card to go through, she began a conversation with her friend.
polite woman: did lauren* ever tell you about that perverted doctor she used to see?
loudmouth: no. what doctor?
polite woman: she had gone out with this doctor a couple times and the second night they got together he kept on asking her "what kinds of toys do you have? let me see them? you wanna bring those over my place?"
loudmouth: he was all up in her business like that?
polite woman: then he told her "having sex with a woman feels like sticking your dick in warm oatmeal." he brought up that oatmeal thing a couple times at dinner and when they went back to his place he said he wanted to show her something. do you know he heated up some oatmeal and started jacking off with it?!
loudmouth: girl, that's nasty.
***update***
the slob with the flashlight came back and ended up buying the basketball pump after all
also on that day, my slave and corset man both called asking for me. i told the slave i was someone else because i didn't feel like dealing with him and i let my cross-dressing friend know that the lingerie i ordered still hadn't come in and to check back the following week.
***********
"Pam"
winding down to an hour and a half left of my shift and the phone rings. the voice on the other end belongs to a male. maybe an older gentleman...the kind of voice that would play over a holiday story on some kids tv movie..grandpa-sounding.
grandpa: hi. i'm a pre-op transexual and i've heard that you girls that work there really are pros when it comes to walking in heels and a couple of you really get into it. is this one of those girls right now?
me: [with no clue as to what he is talking about] yes it is.
grandpa: oh so you like to wear those heels? tell me, are you wearing them now?
me: of course i am (NOT)
grandpa: oh that's good. how high is the heel on those?
me: not too tall since i'm working, 4-inch stilettos with a half-inch platform
grandpa: oh yeah. do they hurt your feet?
me: they start to after a while but you have to suffer if you want to look good, right?
grandpa: don't i know it. i work at a club and you should see some of the boots i wear there. the guys that come in there, they like to see a girl limping around. the closer they see girls to tears, the more money they're willing to spend. some of those girls walk around in boots with 8-inch heels and open toes for hours. you can tell they're carrying their weight on the sides of their feet by the end of the night.do you like to wear boots?
me: yes, but i need to get some new ones.
grandpa: i've got so many different pairs of boots. what size are you? i wear a 7.
me: (this guy must be so tiny) i wear a seven, too
grandpa: i'll give you a pair of my boots. what kind do you like? i've got black, red, tan, white, all kinds of different ones. i have one pair with a clear sole and the platform is clear so when you lift up your feet, you can see them all squished into that boot. i make a lot of money with those. do you know what a corn is?
me: yes
grandpa: i have one on my right pinky toe. it's very large, you know it stands up high. i was wearing those boots one night and there was a man sitting by the door. and he was a dentist. he comes there quite often and everyone knows if they want to make some money to get his attention. he got me to take off my boots one night so he could see my feet and when he saw that corn do you know what he did?
me: he bit it.
grandpa: gasp. he did! tell me, how did you know?
me: i just had a feeling.
grandpa: well then he gave me $50 for it. just to bite my corn. he spent about a thousand dollars that night total. you could make some very good money if you came to work with me. now you said you like boots?
me: yes
grandpa: oh i love them. men do, too.do you have any callouses?
me: not really
grandpa: we'll get you one. i'll give you some boots to wear and give you a nice callous. very sexy and large. that way when you lift your feet and those men see that callous, they'll be dying to rub it for you. and they might even suck on it.
me: well that doesn't sound like a bad way to make money
grandpa: one month of working with me and i'm telling you, you'll make 5-6 grand. i want you to think about my feet. think about callouses, bunions, and corns. men love corns. can i call you later?
me: i don't give out my phone number
grandpa: would you call me later? i just really would like to talk to you some more. maybe you can come out to the club.
me: i have plans tonight but maybe i'll call you
grandpa: you don't have a boyfriend or husband or anything? because those girls don't last long at the club. they'll hold you back.
me: no. nobody.
grandpa: good. that's very good. here's my number (xxx)xxx-xxxx. call me pam.
The Doctor
two women walked into the store around noon. one said "hello" when she saw me. the other raised her voice to an inappropriate volume and let me know "y'all should put an entrance in the back. i don't want nobody to be seein' me walkin in here." i don't understand why people like her ever come in to begin with. they're good for nothing but negative commentary and "can't believe" what they see. i wish i could tell them to either get over it or just get out. but i can't....so i kept my distance. and it ended up working out. sort of.
the quiet friend brought her purchase to the counter and paid. while she was waiting for her credit card to go through, she began a conversation with her friend.
polite woman: did lauren* ever tell you about that perverted doctor she used to see?
loudmouth: no. what doctor?
polite woman: she had gone out with this doctor a couple times and the second night they got together he kept on asking her "what kinds of toys do you have? let me see them? you wanna bring those over my place?"
loudmouth: he was all up in her business like that?
polite woman: then he told her "having sex with a woman feels like sticking your dick in warm oatmeal." he brought up that oatmeal thing a couple times at dinner and when they went back to his place he said he wanted to show her something. do you know he heated up some oatmeal and started jacking off with it?!
loudmouth: girl, that's nasty.
***update***
the slob with the flashlight came back and ended up buying the basketball pump after all
also on that day, my slave and corset man both called asking for me. i told the slave i was someone else because i didn't feel like dealing with him and i let my cross-dressing friend know that the lingerie i ordered still hadn't come in and to check back the following week.
***********
"Pam"
winding down to an hour and a half left of my shift and the phone rings. the voice on the other end belongs to a male. maybe an older gentleman...the kind of voice that would play over a holiday story on some kids tv movie..grandpa-sounding.
grandpa: hi. i'm a pre-op transexual and i've heard that you girls that work there really are pros when it comes to walking in heels and a couple of you really get into it. is this one of those girls right now?
me: [with no clue as to what he is talking about] yes it is.
grandpa: oh so you like to wear those heels? tell me, are you wearing them now?
me: of course i am (NOT)
grandpa: oh that's good. how high is the heel on those?
me: not too tall since i'm working, 4-inch stilettos with a half-inch platform
grandpa: oh yeah. do they hurt your feet?
me: they start to after a while but you have to suffer if you want to look good, right?
grandpa: don't i know it. i work at a club and you should see some of the boots i wear there. the guys that come in there, they like to see a girl limping around. the closer they see girls to tears, the more money they're willing to spend. some of those girls walk around in boots with 8-inch heels and open toes for hours. you can tell they're carrying their weight on the sides of their feet by the end of the night.do you like to wear boots?
me: yes, but i need to get some new ones.
grandpa: i've got so many different pairs of boots. what size are you? i wear a 7.
me: (this guy must be so tiny) i wear a seven, too
grandpa: i'll give you a pair of my boots. what kind do you like? i've got black, red, tan, white, all kinds of different ones. i have one pair with a clear sole and the platform is clear so when you lift up your feet, you can see them all squished into that boot. i make a lot of money with those. do you know what a corn is?
me: yes
grandpa: i have one on my right pinky toe. it's very large, you know it stands up high. i was wearing those boots one night and there was a man sitting by the door. and he was a dentist. he comes there quite often and everyone knows if they want to make some money to get his attention. he got me to take off my boots one night so he could see my feet and when he saw that corn do you know what he did?
me: he bit it.
grandpa: gasp. he did! tell me, how did you know?
me: i just had a feeling.
grandpa: well then he gave me $50 for it. just to bite my corn. he spent about a thousand dollars that night total. you could make some very good money if you came to work with me. now you said you like boots?
me: yes
grandpa: oh i love them. men do, too.do you have any callouses?
me: not really
grandpa: we'll get you one. i'll give you some boots to wear and give you a nice callous. very sexy and large. that way when you lift your feet and those men see that callous, they'll be dying to rub it for you. and they might even suck on it.
me: well that doesn't sound like a bad way to make money
grandpa: one month of working with me and i'm telling you, you'll make 5-6 grand. i want you to think about my feet. think about callouses, bunions, and corns. men love corns. can i call you later?
me: i don't give out my phone number
grandpa: would you call me later? i just really would like to talk to you some more. maybe you can come out to the club.
me: i have plans tonight but maybe i'll call you
grandpa: you don't have a boyfriend or husband or anything? because those girls don't last long at the club. they'll hold you back.
me: no. nobody.
grandpa: good. that's very good. here's my number (xxx)xxx-xxxx. call me pam.
3.04.2010
you will not speak unless spoken to
monday morning i was tired and annoyed. there's always a ton of paperwork to be done on the first of the month so i usually don't get to spend too much time with customers. luckily, i worked the day before and it freed up the better part of my day.
the background on the first guy who came in is as follows:
about two and a half months ago, a guy came into the store and lurked the shoes for a little while. he looked like an average dude: about 6 foot, short hair, glasses, polo, good teeth. i walked up to him and asked him if he needed help and at first he said no...i made small talk with him and apparently i made him feel pretty comfortable because soon after, he let me know what was up. he was going to a party with his wife that a bunch of their friends were throwing. it was a costume party (with a twist). everyone going drew names of famous people from the past that they were supposed to dress up as...but he and his wife got the wild card which meant not only did they have to dress up but they had to reverse roles so he was the female and she was the male. he had come in to buy shoes and hoped we had his size. we did. he bought some black, patent leather pumps. while i was ringing him up, he shared with me his anxiety about how it would go over. he had never worn women's shoes before and felt embarrassed to even ask. i told him nothing phased me and if his wife seemed cool with the idea, she probably wouldn't have an issue with it once it came time for him to get dressed up...and who knows, she might be into it. he still seemed pretty nervous about the whole thing when he left but i had a good feeling. which turned out to be correct. the next time i saw him, he told me i was right and that not only did the costume go over well at the party, but wifey was into it at home. and he didn't mind the heels all that much. in fact, he'd like to buy more. i hoooked him up with a different pair of heels and since then i've seen him on a pretty regular basis...each time, he tries on and/or buys a new pair of shoes. i saw him just after valentine's day and he started asking about lingerie. would we have anything that might fit him, do i think it's weird, do i get many men shopping for themselves, etc. i told him part of the story about the man who called on v-day weekend and gave me the spending limit...i didn't tell him exactly what i picked out but gave him just enough to make him feel comfortable talking about it. since he was just entertaining his curiosity, i sold him a pair of fishnet thigh highs. white. told him they'd make his legs look great and would look good with the shoes he already had. **which, by the way, he wears while vacuuming**
when he came in on monday, i learned that he stopped in friday morning but when i wasn't there decided to leave...."i didn't feel like i could be as open with the other girl in here. something about you, i can just talk to you about all of this and i don't feel like i'm offending you or you have any problem with it" is what he said to me. even if what he's into might seem weird to most people, it makes me feel good to know that i make him feel comfortable enough to be honest so that was pretty rad anyway. it gets better. he wanted to try on some boots but since there was another person in the store, i let him use the fitting room for privacy. they didn't fit and no he didn't cum all over the walls. instead, he brought the box back up to me, boots packed neatly inside and waited for the other guy to leave. i told him it was good to see him and asked how all of the dressing up was going at home. then he hit me with this, "it's so much fun. you were right. we both really like it. i think she might like it more than me. i wanted to show you something, though." just then, he unzipped his jacket and revealed a black satin corset with lace trim. dude had a huge shit-eating grin across his face. i was stoked. i said, "oh hey you did it! niiiiice...how does it feel? you into it?" he said, "i really like it. i know last time i was in here i said i wasn't sure if i'd ever be willing to go out in public like this but i figured you'd get a kick out of it." when i asked him how the fishnets worked out he said, "oh hey, look at this," pulled up his pant leg, and showed me that he was wearing those, too! he left without buying anything but said he'd be back. and i know he will.
a couple hours later, i was doing something in the front window and saw a short, skinny guy walking up to the door. he looked familiar and when i saw his face i remembered. he came in once before with a shopping list and a letter from his mistress. she had instructions for me to pick some things out for her to use on him, her slave. that day was fun. i made him put on heels and walk around the store while i picked out some various items. an open-mouth gag, 10-inch dildo, whip, and i made him buy the shoes. anyway, this was the same guy and when he walked in i asked him, "how did all of that work out?" he looked confused at first and asked what i was talking about. i said, "your mistress...the shoes. how's that going?" he said, "i'm surprised you remember me. she moved on, though. she wanted something else." i definitely make the mistake of seeming more interested than i actually am in other people's lives...that combined with the fact that i'm super nice to almost everyone i meet is probably why i have such good stories. i'm amazed by some of the things people just open up to me about that i hardly know...and i don't mean just at the porn shop. but that could be an entire blog of its own. so back to the pipsqueak. he walked around for a couple minutes and then came up to me at the counter:
(imagine a scrawny, softspoken, mid-20s guy shaking like a leaf)
ps: what should i call you
me: miss
ps: miss, would you ever want to have someone of your own?
me: what do you mean?
ps: would you like me to be your slave?
me: i'd have to think about that
ps: i will do whatever you want. you know like those things you picked out for me last time? i don't want you to sleep with me. i would just want you to use those things on me and make me do whatever you feel like. you could make me walk around in public dressed however you want.
me: i don't know about that. it seems like it would be fun to boss someone around and humiliate them but i'm not sure i want to get into all that.
ps: i'm sorry for speaking, miss.
i just nodded and let him keep looking around the store. after a few minute he brought up a pair of shorts and asked me, "miss, do you think i should buy something like these?" i looked up at him and decided to have fun with all of it....i walked over to the wall and picked up a skirt with an open back and said "you need to wear something more like this." i held it out and told him to take it from me. he walked up, head down, "yes, miss." then i said to him, "now you're going to buy this and it's time for you to leave." when i rang him up he asked me for my name. i told him that wasn't for him to know.
__________________________________________
so that was monday. today was wednesday. i never work nights but sometimes i wish i did. a few reasons why:
a lady looking like beetlejuice came in to get a dildo for her strap-on that her girlfriend's husband bought them for valentine's day.
later, another woman told me about how she and her friend are the two biggest freaks she knows and one time her friend got a butt plug with a suction cup, stuck it in her bathtub, got on it and when she tried to stand up couldn't.
the background on the first guy who came in is as follows:
about two and a half months ago, a guy came into the store and lurked the shoes for a little while. he looked like an average dude: about 6 foot, short hair, glasses, polo, good teeth. i walked up to him and asked him if he needed help and at first he said no...i made small talk with him and apparently i made him feel pretty comfortable because soon after, he let me know what was up. he was going to a party with his wife that a bunch of their friends were throwing. it was a costume party (with a twist). everyone going drew names of famous people from the past that they were supposed to dress up as...but he and his wife got the wild card which meant not only did they have to dress up but they had to reverse roles so he was the female and she was the male. he had come in to buy shoes and hoped we had his size. we did. he bought some black, patent leather pumps. while i was ringing him up, he shared with me his anxiety about how it would go over. he had never worn women's shoes before and felt embarrassed to even ask. i told him nothing phased me and if his wife seemed cool with the idea, she probably wouldn't have an issue with it once it came time for him to get dressed up...and who knows, she might be into it. he still seemed pretty nervous about the whole thing when he left but i had a good feeling. which turned out to be correct. the next time i saw him, he told me i was right and that not only did the costume go over well at the party, but wifey was into it at home. and he didn't mind the heels all that much. in fact, he'd like to buy more. i hoooked him up with a different pair of heels and since then i've seen him on a pretty regular basis...each time, he tries on and/or buys a new pair of shoes. i saw him just after valentine's day and he started asking about lingerie. would we have anything that might fit him, do i think it's weird, do i get many men shopping for themselves, etc. i told him part of the story about the man who called on v-day weekend and gave me the spending limit...i didn't tell him exactly what i picked out but gave him just enough to make him feel comfortable talking about it. since he was just entertaining his curiosity, i sold him a pair of fishnet thigh highs. white. told him they'd make his legs look great and would look good with the shoes he already had. **which, by the way, he wears while vacuuming**
when he came in on monday, i learned that he stopped in friday morning but when i wasn't there decided to leave...."i didn't feel like i could be as open with the other girl in here. something about you, i can just talk to you about all of this and i don't feel like i'm offending you or you have any problem with it" is what he said to me. even if what he's into might seem weird to most people, it makes me feel good to know that i make him feel comfortable enough to be honest so that was pretty rad anyway. it gets better. he wanted to try on some boots but since there was another person in the store, i let him use the fitting room for privacy. they didn't fit and no he didn't cum all over the walls. instead, he brought the box back up to me, boots packed neatly inside and waited for the other guy to leave. i told him it was good to see him and asked how all of the dressing up was going at home. then he hit me with this, "it's so much fun. you were right. we both really like it. i think she might like it more than me. i wanted to show you something, though." just then, he unzipped his jacket and revealed a black satin corset with lace trim. dude had a huge shit-eating grin across his face. i was stoked. i said, "oh hey you did it! niiiiice...how does it feel? you into it?" he said, "i really like it. i know last time i was in here i said i wasn't sure if i'd ever be willing to go out in public like this but i figured you'd get a kick out of it." when i asked him how the fishnets worked out he said, "oh hey, look at this," pulled up his pant leg, and showed me that he was wearing those, too! he left without buying anything but said he'd be back. and i know he will.
a couple hours later, i was doing something in the front window and saw a short, skinny guy walking up to the door. he looked familiar and when i saw his face i remembered. he came in once before with a shopping list and a letter from his mistress. she had instructions for me to pick some things out for her to use on him, her slave. that day was fun. i made him put on heels and walk around the store while i picked out some various items. an open-mouth gag, 10-inch dildo, whip, and i made him buy the shoes. anyway, this was the same guy and when he walked in i asked him, "how did all of that work out?" he looked confused at first and asked what i was talking about. i said, "your mistress...the shoes. how's that going?" he said, "i'm surprised you remember me. she moved on, though. she wanted something else." i definitely make the mistake of seeming more interested than i actually am in other people's lives...that combined with the fact that i'm super nice to almost everyone i meet is probably why i have such good stories. i'm amazed by some of the things people just open up to me about that i hardly know...and i don't mean just at the porn shop. but that could be an entire blog of its own. so back to the pipsqueak. he walked around for a couple minutes and then came up to me at the counter:
(imagine a scrawny, softspoken, mid-20s guy shaking like a leaf)
ps: what should i call you
me: miss
ps: miss, would you ever want to have someone of your own?
me: what do you mean?
ps: would you like me to be your slave?
me: i'd have to think about that
ps: i will do whatever you want. you know like those things you picked out for me last time? i don't want you to sleep with me. i would just want you to use those things on me and make me do whatever you feel like. you could make me walk around in public dressed however you want.
me: i don't know about that. it seems like it would be fun to boss someone around and humiliate them but i'm not sure i want to get into all that.
ps: i'm sorry for speaking, miss.
i just nodded and let him keep looking around the store. after a few minute he brought up a pair of shorts and asked me, "miss, do you think i should buy something like these?" i looked up at him and decided to have fun with all of it....i walked over to the wall and picked up a skirt with an open back and said "you need to wear something more like this." i held it out and told him to take it from me. he walked up, head down, "yes, miss." then i said to him, "now you're going to buy this and it's time for you to leave." when i rang him up he asked me for my name. i told him that wasn't for him to know.
__________________________________________
so that was monday. today was wednesday. i never work nights but sometimes i wish i did. a few reasons why:
a lady looking like beetlejuice came in to get a dildo for her strap-on that her girlfriend's husband bought them for valentine's day.
later, another woman told me about how she and her friend are the two biggest freaks she knows and one time her friend got a butt plug with a suction cup, stuck it in her bathtub, got on it and when she tried to stand up couldn't.
2.16.2010
valentine's day part two: the few, the weird
saturday we got SLAMMED. so many people everywhere. i was stressed out as usual. it was so chaotic, i didn't get to spend too much quality time with any one person but i did manage to jot some notes down.
SATURDAY
early afternoon: man walks in. full on biker. beard, vest, boots. kenny g t-shirt under the vest?
around 6pm: super butch lesbian brings a massage wand over to me and asks "do y'all got any bigger condoms than them ones over there? i need something to cover the whole top of this thing 'cause my baby downpour"
9:30pm: an old man walks in. he looked like he had to have been in his 70s. he defined "shriveled." deepest wrinkles, red circles around his eyes, thin white hair...probably a layer of dust. walking dead.
anyway he walks in, smiles at me, and heads straight back to the porn. big surprise: VHS. it didn't take him long to browse the 14-title section and pick one. while i was ringing him up he said "this is better than drinking you know. i don't get into much trouble with this. i used to drink. i must have had too much one time because some fellas beat me up. and they didn't do it the nice way. there were a whole lot of them. i went to aa you know. they've got a whole bunch of those groups now. AA, NA, they even have SA...for people who want to have sex all the time. and gambling, too." at this point, i didn't even care to get into it. this guy made me so uncomfortable in the strangest way. i just wanted him to leave. it could have been the ten other people in the store were distracting me..or maybe i was just worried that he would die mid-convo and then i'd have to deal with that. i walked out from behind the counter toward the door so he'd follow me and get the hint. before he left, he leaned in and asked me "say do you have the addresses of some of those clubs?" i assumed he meant strip clubs so i gave him a paper with a ton of ads and said "you can find a lot of those in here. you thinking about gettin into some trouble tonight?" he responded "oh i might. i've been a little too stiff lately." to which i replied, "there's no such thing as too stiff" and laughed. a man standing within earshot looked over his shoulder to me and gave an uncomfortable smile. then skeletor left.
11:30pm: the night was winding down. i brought out the mop and straightened everything so i'd be able to lock the doors at midnight and get home as soon as possible. of course, a couple walked in at 11:45 with no idea what they wanted. cool. the female apologized and said they wouldn't be long. i was annoyed but just kept cleaning and hoped for the best. they managed to mess something up in every section of the store in ten minutes but at least they bought something. she was boring, her guy was obnoxious. this is what he said to her, in front of me, across the store, as i rang them up:
"i'm gonna tie you to the wall and fuck you in the puss." goodnight.
SUNDAY
i got to work a few hours with another girl which was a relief because the day started out painfully slow. two great things happened in that short time.
3:30/3:45-ish: a worn out stripper who kind of resembled brittany murphy if she had 3-inch long dark roots on her fried, bleached hair and an oversized labret stud walked in with her nu-metal boyfriend. they didn't need any help but we stood by and listened since at that time of day, they were the only two people in the store. this was their conversation.
brittany: do you want to look anymore?
bf: no. i'd rather spend my money on beer.
brittany: yeah me too. let's go.
fast forward about one minute to them standing at the counter being rung up.
brittany: [grabs a book of sex positions] i had sex in a chair once. it was interesting. well, it was in a mental institution slash couch.
bf: *crickets*
?!?
5:30pm: this last guy had perfect timing since i was off at 6. i looked up from my paperwork and saw someone smile at me. i recognized him from being in the store once before. that time we had a pretty in-depth discussion on porn, the avn awards, vegas, and how he'd like to go but doesn't think he could control himself. he was fishing for some invites on sex parties--we get a lot of them in the store...the guys who think that because we work at a porn shop we have an in on all kinds of orgies and sex for sale. we don't.
ok this guy...he picks up a penis extension...a white one. he's black. and we do have a black one in stock..picks it up and says "i think i might get this. don't you think that would be so funny if i put this on?" i look up to answer his question and get a nice bonus. i see that he is wearing sweatpants. oh and he clearly has no underwear on. and even better....HUGE BONER! i answer him "yeah, i guess" with a straight face and when he turns to put the item back, look over at my assistant, wide-eyed mouthing "OH MY GOD SWEATPANTS BONER." then i have her follow me over to a rack of lingerie so we can assess the situation. as soon as i start telling her about how he had gotten kind of weird with me the first time he came in, she signals that he's coming up behind me. i turn around and make eye contact with him. in his hand, he's holding two pairs of silk boxers. one red, the other black. he asks our opinion while holding each pair in front of himself, switching back and forth. he got us good. there was no way to help him without looking at his still raging boner. with all of two feet between us, i made out a distinct outline of the head and there was definitely a vein present. actually, it looked like he might have been wearing a cock ring....he asked if he could try the boxers on. i told him no. he said he'd be back with his girlfriend later. that was the end of my interaction with him. before i left, i was informed that he had one more question for my co-worker regarding the extension: "can i put this on when i'm limp?"
happy valentine's day, indeed.
SATURDAY
early afternoon: man walks in. full on biker. beard, vest, boots. kenny g t-shirt under the vest?
around 6pm: super butch lesbian brings a massage wand over to me and asks "do y'all got any bigger condoms than them ones over there? i need something to cover the whole top of this thing 'cause my baby downpour"
9:30pm: an old man walks in. he looked like he had to have been in his 70s. he defined "shriveled." deepest wrinkles, red circles around his eyes, thin white hair...probably a layer of dust. walking dead.
anyway he walks in, smiles at me, and heads straight back to the porn. big surprise: VHS. it didn't take him long to browse the 14-title section and pick one. while i was ringing him up he said "this is better than drinking you know. i don't get into much trouble with this. i used to drink. i must have had too much one time because some fellas beat me up. and they didn't do it the nice way. there were a whole lot of them. i went to aa you know. they've got a whole bunch of those groups now. AA, NA, they even have SA...for people who want to have sex all the time. and gambling, too." at this point, i didn't even care to get into it. this guy made me so uncomfortable in the strangest way. i just wanted him to leave. it could have been the ten other people in the store were distracting me..or maybe i was just worried that he would die mid-convo and then i'd have to deal with that. i walked out from behind the counter toward the door so he'd follow me and get the hint. before he left, he leaned in and asked me "say do you have the addresses of some of those clubs?" i assumed he meant strip clubs so i gave him a paper with a ton of ads and said "you can find a lot of those in here. you thinking about gettin into some trouble tonight?" he responded "oh i might. i've been a little too stiff lately." to which i replied, "there's no such thing as too stiff" and laughed. a man standing within earshot looked over his shoulder to me and gave an uncomfortable smile. then skeletor left.
11:30pm: the night was winding down. i brought out the mop and straightened everything so i'd be able to lock the doors at midnight and get home as soon as possible. of course, a couple walked in at 11:45 with no idea what they wanted. cool. the female apologized and said they wouldn't be long. i was annoyed but just kept cleaning and hoped for the best. they managed to mess something up in every section of the store in ten minutes but at least they bought something. she was boring, her guy was obnoxious. this is what he said to her, in front of me, across the store, as i rang them up:
"i'm gonna tie you to the wall and fuck you in the puss." goodnight.
SUNDAY
i got to work a few hours with another girl which was a relief because the day started out painfully slow. two great things happened in that short time.
3:30/3:45-ish: a worn out stripper who kind of resembled brittany murphy if she had 3-inch long dark roots on her fried, bleached hair and an oversized labret stud walked in with her nu-metal boyfriend. they didn't need any help but we stood by and listened since at that time of day, they were the only two people in the store. this was their conversation.
brittany: do you want to look anymore?
bf: no. i'd rather spend my money on beer.
brittany: yeah me too. let's go.
fast forward about one minute to them standing at the counter being rung up.
brittany: [grabs a book of sex positions] i had sex in a chair once. it was interesting. well, it was in a mental institution slash couch.
bf: *crickets*
?!?
5:30pm: this last guy had perfect timing since i was off at 6. i looked up from my paperwork and saw someone smile at me. i recognized him from being in the store once before. that time we had a pretty in-depth discussion on porn, the avn awards, vegas, and how he'd like to go but doesn't think he could control himself. he was fishing for some invites on sex parties--we get a lot of them in the store...the guys who think that because we work at a porn shop we have an in on all kinds of orgies and sex for sale. we don't.
ok this guy...he picks up a penis extension...a white one. he's black. and we do have a black one in stock..picks it up and says "i think i might get this. don't you think that would be so funny if i put this on?" i look up to answer his question and get a nice bonus. i see that he is wearing sweatpants. oh and he clearly has no underwear on. and even better....HUGE BONER! i answer him "yeah, i guess" with a straight face and when he turns to put the item back, look over at my assistant, wide-eyed mouthing "OH MY GOD SWEATPANTS BONER." then i have her follow me over to a rack of lingerie so we can assess the situation. as soon as i start telling her about how he had gotten kind of weird with me the first time he came in, she signals that he's coming up behind me. i turn around and make eye contact with him. in his hand, he's holding two pairs of silk boxers. one red, the other black. he asks our opinion while holding each pair in front of himself, switching back and forth. he got us good. there was no way to help him without looking at his still raging boner. with all of two feet between us, i made out a distinct outline of the head and there was definitely a vein present. actually, it looked like he might have been wearing a cock ring....he asked if he could try the boxers on. i told him no. he said he'd be back with his girlfriend later. that was the end of my interaction with him. before i left, i was informed that he had one more question for my co-worker regarding the extension: "can i put this on when i'm limp?"
happy valentine's day, indeed.
2.13.2010
secret shopper
valentine's day. it's the busiest time of year at the store so i was looking forward to what kind of people would be coming in. today was sort of a letdown to be honest. nothing really interesting happened. mostly women coming in and looking for lingerie. BORING. i did, however, overhear a woman wearing a scrunchie and sweatshirt say "i've never been surrounded by so much cock in my life."
we didn't even get any prank calls. i answered the phone from the stockroom at one point and was so glad that i did. on the other end was a man. he told me "for valentine's day, the wife and i are going all out. we're going to switch roles where she's the husband and i'm the wife. i'm calling to see if you'd be willing to help me out with this. i've got a $200 limit and everything needs to be a surprise. i was wondering if you would pick out some lingerie for me to wear, something she--as my husband--would like to see me in. i'm about 6' 200 lbs. do you have a size that would work for me?" i confirm and he continues..."i also want for you to pick out some toys and things for her to use on me. whatever you like, we're both VERY open-minded. neither of us will see what you've picked for us until sunday so it'll be a complete surprise. i want you to put everything in a bag so i can't see, then just tell me how much it all costs and i'll pay you. i hope this is alright to ask. can help me with this?" i respond, "not a problem. i think it sounds fun. when are you coming in?" he tells me he's got some errands to run and asks my name. "sara." then i hang up. STOKED.
after i finished what i was doing in the back, i made my way to the sales floor and started looking around. i already knew what outfit he'd be wearing, just hoped we had the right size. we did. it was perfect. a red, lace, open-bust, crotchless teddy. and thigh highs to match. so trashy and so good. on to the toy department....
if my experience has taught me one thing, it's that when a man comes into the store and says he's "open-minded" it means he doesn't mind something going in his ass. with that in mind, here's what i picked out:
restraints
nipple clamps
cock ring
studded spade
ball gag
strap-on
and, of course, some lube. when i showed my co-worker the loot she said "god, what is with you wanting this guy to be dominated right now?"
i laughed and told her, "i don't know but i really love the idea of making him into a total bitch."
the only thing left to do now was wait and see if he would actually show up. (people call all the time and ask for things that they never come to buy)...i had a good feeling about this one, though. mostly because he was so specific. i wanted to know what he looked like. who was he?
a few hours later, a man walked in the door and i had a feeling he was my guy. he came up to me and asked if i was sara. nice job, intuition. dude couldn't have looked more "normal." he looked like someone you'd see on a golf course. late 40s/early 50s, gray hair parted on the side, nice teeth, pullover jacket, khakis...you know the type. he said to me, "so how much time will you need?" when i told him i already picked everything out, he smiled. then he added, "this is really exciting for both of us...we're switching roles and neither of us will know what we'll be doing until sunday. and you're this third person who's making all of this happen who we don't know so that adds to the excitement. i'll be back in 15 minutes so you can make sure you've got everything together. and remember, $200. thanks again." then he left.
returned 15 minutes later, paid the $196, smiled, and thanked me. i wonder if he'll call or come back to tell me how it went.
i never even got his name.
we didn't even get any prank calls. i answered the phone from the stockroom at one point and was so glad that i did. on the other end was a man. he told me "for valentine's day, the wife and i are going all out. we're going to switch roles where she's the husband and i'm the wife. i'm calling to see if you'd be willing to help me out with this. i've got a $200 limit and everything needs to be a surprise. i was wondering if you would pick out some lingerie for me to wear, something she--as my husband--would like to see me in. i'm about 6' 200 lbs. do you have a size that would work for me?" i confirm and he continues..."i also want for you to pick out some toys and things for her to use on me. whatever you like, we're both VERY open-minded. neither of us will see what you've picked for us until sunday so it'll be a complete surprise. i want you to put everything in a bag so i can't see, then just tell me how much it all costs and i'll pay you. i hope this is alright to ask. can help me with this?" i respond, "not a problem. i think it sounds fun. when are you coming in?" he tells me he's got some errands to run and asks my name. "sara." then i hang up. STOKED.
after i finished what i was doing in the back, i made my way to the sales floor and started looking around. i already knew what outfit he'd be wearing, just hoped we had the right size. we did. it was perfect. a red, lace, open-bust, crotchless teddy. and thigh highs to match. so trashy and so good. on to the toy department....
if my experience has taught me one thing, it's that when a man comes into the store and says he's "open-minded" it means he doesn't mind something going in his ass. with that in mind, here's what i picked out:
restraints
nipple clamps
cock ring
studded spade
ball gag
strap-on
and, of course, some lube. when i showed my co-worker the loot she said "god, what is with you wanting this guy to be dominated right now?"
i laughed and told her, "i don't know but i really love the idea of making him into a total bitch."
the only thing left to do now was wait and see if he would actually show up. (people call all the time and ask for things that they never come to buy)...i had a good feeling about this one, though. mostly because he was so specific. i wanted to know what he looked like. who was he?
a few hours later, a man walked in the door and i had a feeling he was my guy. he came up to me and asked if i was sara. nice job, intuition. dude couldn't have looked more "normal." he looked like someone you'd see on a golf course. late 40s/early 50s, gray hair parted on the side, nice teeth, pullover jacket, khakis...you know the type. he said to me, "so how much time will you need?" when i told him i already picked everything out, he smiled. then he added, "this is really exciting for both of us...we're switching roles and neither of us will know what we'll be doing until sunday. and you're this third person who's making all of this happen who we don't know so that adds to the excitement. i'll be back in 15 minutes so you can make sure you've got everything together. and remember, $200. thanks again." then he left.
returned 15 minutes later, paid the $196, smiled, and thanked me. i wonder if he'll call or come back to tell me how it went.
i never even got his name.
2.10.2010
so you like to watch?
i was worried that writing about work would jinx me somehow and nothing interesting would ever happen again. guess i was wrong. i should have known today was going to be awesome when right after i got there, i had a surprise visitor from corporate show up ready to put me to work.
first thing that had to be done was to change some fluorescent lights. i hate it...those stupid long bulbs are such a pain to fit in the fixture and half of the ballasts are sketchy and i know one of these days i'll be electrocuted. at least boss lady was there to help out. this is my luck: changing the first bulb and as soon as it makes contact there's a loud POP and a spark and half of the lights go out in the store. perfect. i check the circuit breaker and no luck. call the handyman and he'll be on his way in a few hours. the lighting gave the store a whole new creepy, low-life feel. i was into it. my boss, not so much. but we dealt.
around one or so, one of my regulars came in. he's not a regular customer so much as a regular loiterer/creep and usually i'm annoyed by him when he walks in but today i was pumped. the scenario played out like this:
right off the bat, dude was lookin good. sloppy mess as usual. this guy looks like santa with his white beard, huge gut, glasses, and suspenders. the rest of his look is less childhood fantasy, more night terror. his white, shaggy hair covered most of his face which is probably a good thing since his skin looks like a topographical map on red paper covered in vaseline. he must party. a sour smell surrounds him all the time but today he smelled especially ripe. (must have been sweating underneath his winter coat)
i apologize to him for the lights being so dim and he says, "good thing i brought my own" and proceeds to pull a flashlight out of his pocket. i thought he was joking until he turned it on and started scanning the merchandise. not that he needed it. he comes in so often i'm sure he could navigate his way through the store blindfolded. as per usual, he makes his way to the pumps to check out the selection. when he sees we have the same ones as always, he moves on to the discount rack and picks this up:
yeah, a basketball-themed penis pump. he comes over to the counter where i'm standing with my superior and i ask him "is this one more like the clear one you were asking me about?" (he's been coming in asking about a clear pump at least twice a month since i started this job) he says, "yep it's almost like that one. i want to see what it looks like." i take it out of the package for him and he asks me how the release valve works so i show him and then he says to my boss and i "it's the only way to exercise your penis, you know. [awkward pause] my urologist told me that. this one might do the trick but you still can't see your anatomy with it." i couldn't help myself..."oh so THAT'S why you want the clear one? so you can watch while you use it?" should have seen the look on my boss's face, she wasn't impressed. santa smiles, says he'll think about it and continues to browse--even being so kind as to shine his light on some items that another customer was looking at and offer his opinion on some pocket pussies. freaked that lady out.
he makes his way back around and decides instead of the pump, he'll take a massage kit that costs all of $7. when i ask if he needs any batteries he responds "i've got thousands at home. probably hundreds is more like it. i bought packs of 80 or 90 at a drug store after christmas time and they were marked down ninety percent because you know they want to get rid of all that stuff." i ask him when he bought them and he tells me "two years ago. i bought five of those packs." all i could imagine was this slob sitting at home wiping food on his greasy t-shirt, watching game shows, "exercising" his penis, surrounded by batteries in a very dark room.
then-out of nowhere-this is the last thing he says to me: "now i just need to get this girl i saw. i found out i might know someone who talked to someone who can tell me what her name is. if i knew where she worked and lived, i would send her flowers. and i wouldn't get them from the dollar store."
yikes.
next customer was in a rush and asked me to recommend something that would travel well. i hook him up with a small vibrator and some AAAs which he comments on "you're gonna rape me on the batteries like that?! so to speak i mean. i didn't mean..." i cut him off and say "it's cool i know what you meant. don't worry i say worse things than that all the time. so, travelling? where you going?" he replies, "oh, it's for my friend. i need something for her to remember me by." then he winked at me. i smiled and said "oh well then you might want to give her a picture to use with that." he looks me dead in the eye and says, "can't. she'll be with her husband." he laughs and winks again before leaving.
ah, love.
first thing that had to be done was to change some fluorescent lights. i hate it...those stupid long bulbs are such a pain to fit in the fixture and half of the ballasts are sketchy and i know one of these days i'll be electrocuted. at least boss lady was there to help out. this is my luck: changing the first bulb and as soon as it makes contact there's a loud POP and a spark and half of the lights go out in the store. perfect. i check the circuit breaker and no luck. call the handyman and he'll be on his way in a few hours. the lighting gave the store a whole new creepy, low-life feel. i was into it. my boss, not so much. but we dealt.
around one or so, one of my regulars came in. he's not a regular customer so much as a regular loiterer/creep and usually i'm annoyed by him when he walks in but today i was pumped. the scenario played out like this:
right off the bat, dude was lookin good. sloppy mess as usual. this guy looks like santa with his white beard, huge gut, glasses, and suspenders. the rest of his look is less childhood fantasy, more night terror. his white, shaggy hair covered most of his face which is probably a good thing since his skin looks like a topographical map on red paper covered in vaseline. he must party. a sour smell surrounds him all the time but today he smelled especially ripe. (must have been sweating underneath his winter coat)
i apologize to him for the lights being so dim and he says, "good thing i brought my own" and proceeds to pull a flashlight out of his pocket. i thought he was joking until he turned it on and started scanning the merchandise. not that he needed it. he comes in so often i'm sure he could navigate his way through the store blindfolded. as per usual, he makes his way to the pumps to check out the selection. when he sees we have the same ones as always, he moves on to the discount rack and picks this up:
yeah, a basketball-themed penis pump. he comes over to the counter where i'm standing with my superior and i ask him "is this one more like the clear one you were asking me about?" (he's been coming in asking about a clear pump at least twice a month since i started this job) he says, "yep it's almost like that one. i want to see what it looks like." i take it out of the package for him and he asks me how the release valve works so i show him and then he says to my boss and i "it's the only way to exercise your penis, you know. [awkward pause] my urologist told me that. this one might do the trick but you still can't see your anatomy with it." i couldn't help myself..."oh so THAT'S why you want the clear one? so you can watch while you use it?" should have seen the look on my boss's face, she wasn't impressed. santa smiles, says he'll think about it and continues to browse--even being so kind as to shine his light on some items that another customer was looking at and offer his opinion on some pocket pussies. freaked that lady out.he makes his way back around and decides instead of the pump, he'll take a massage kit that costs all of $7. when i ask if he needs any batteries he responds "i've got thousands at home. probably hundreds is more like it. i bought packs of 80 or 90 at a drug store after christmas time and they were marked down ninety percent because you know they want to get rid of all that stuff." i ask him when he bought them and he tells me "two years ago. i bought five of those packs." all i could imagine was this slob sitting at home wiping food on his greasy t-shirt, watching game shows, "exercising" his penis, surrounded by batteries in a very dark room.
then-out of nowhere-this is the last thing he says to me: "now i just need to get this girl i saw. i found out i might know someone who talked to someone who can tell me what her name is. if i knew where she worked and lived, i would send her flowers. and i wouldn't get them from the dollar store."
yikes.
next customer was in a rush and asked me to recommend something that would travel well. i hook him up with a small vibrator and some AAAs which he comments on "you're gonna rape me on the batteries like that?! so to speak i mean. i didn't mean..." i cut him off and say "it's cool i know what you meant. don't worry i say worse things than that all the time. so, travelling? where you going?" he replies, "oh, it's for my friend. i need something for her to remember me by." then he winked at me. i smiled and said "oh well then you might want to give her a picture to use with that." he looks me dead in the eye and says, "can't. she'll be with her husband." he laughs and winks again before leaving.
ah, love.
2.09.2010
the fire down below
the rest of the entries on here will be current but it took me a while to sit down and actually start this thing up so just deal with it
2.05.10
there was a woman in the store browsing porn with no need for my assistance. and i was soon to be stoked on that.
i'm standing behind the counter getting some orders together and the door opens. i hear the chime and look up. from behind the counter i could only see that the person who walked in was about 50 years old, white male. had a gray combover and was wearing thin wire-framed glasses, a red members only jacket, and a black ribbed sweater with a zipper in front. he smiled politely and seemed really excited to be at the store. he asked me where the bondage supplies were and i stepped out from behind the counter to show him. that's when i knew what time it was. this guy's bottom half definitely DID NOT match the top. dude was wearing silver hot pants over black tights. you could see the outline of his entire package...so many shadows and creases. and he was also wearing heels. black ones, patent leather, cute shoes. he walks up to me and asks about what kind of gags we have. he was looking for an open gag. "you can fuck through them" is what he says to me in a heavy accent. maybe dutch? german? goes on to say "oh i hate having to wear one but what can you do?"
i realized "what can you do" was this guy's catch phrase as the conversation went on
he asked me what happened to sarah (previous store manager). i told him she moved and i was the new sara. he said "oh she was great. you look like her, too. are you into the scene at all?" i told him i wasn't. that i thought it was interesting and have played with some people before but nothing public. he shared some interesting information with me about my predecessor. like the time that he came into the store wearing a short skirt for her and she made him go out to his car, shackle his legs together, put on a ball gag, put in a butt plug, collar and leash, nipple clamps, then come back into the store. !@#% i didn't know what to say, didn't need a response because the woman who had been in the store was finally ready to pay so i stepped away to ring her up.
she acted completely normal despite this guy's attire. i respected her for that. i always worry when someone dressed up comes in that another customer will harass them or say something about it to me. that's the type of thing that makes me uncomfortable. cross dressers, that's my shit. quality people. love them.
alone at last. that was when he let me in on some good stuff. he told me three stories. oh, he's a sub in case anyone who reads this is wondering/looking for a slave.
first story was about a mistress he had who would make him dress as a woman and go out in public to humiliate him. he told me about a time that she made him wear a wig, do his makeup really heavy, wear some heels, and a hot pink tube dress along with a collar and leash. and she took him to a mall. he wasn't allowed to wear anything under the dress but he said "she let me carry my purse in front of me and cover my erection with it."
second story was somewhat similar only she made him go into the men's room (which had several people in it) and use the urinal while dressed as "you know, slut" <--the way he said that killed me with his accent
third and final story would be hard to believe if i had just read about it somewhere but the feeling i got from this guy convinced me it was almost normal for him. apparently, he travels a lot and spends most of his time in europe.
"there's this one woman who is a professional and she's really heavy into the scene over there. she's from germany but i've seen her all over. i've met her in hungary before. i went to a party in berlin this one time and she was there. and she ended up taking me home with her. when we got there she had me all done up. stripped totally naked, ball gag, ankles cuffed and i was on my knees so those cuffs were connected to the ones on my wrists behind my back, butt plug in, nipple clamps. she left me in her living room like that and then she came in all dressed up. leather and chains. perfect. she beat me for a little while and called me names and then she blindfolded me and i was alone in this room for about twenty-five minutes. she had gone to get her two daughters who she had trained into the scene. (whispered this next sentence) i know that one of them was probably about 14 and the other one 16 but what can you do. you've got to do it. those two girls though...you would not know how old they were with how well they were trained. they were beating me, making me crawl around on my knees, had me licking boots...."
my only response was "wow, that's one of the craziest things i've ever heard"
then some other girls walked into the store and he said "well, maybe you could check out some parties or something and see if you like it. i'm going to leave you now i've loved chatting with you."
one of the girls who walked in said something to him about needing to put clothes on and the other paid for a stripper pole with $100 in singles.
2.05.10
there was a woman in the store browsing porn with no need for my assistance. and i was soon to be stoked on that.
i'm standing behind the counter getting some orders together and the door opens. i hear the chime and look up. from behind the counter i could only see that the person who walked in was about 50 years old, white male. had a gray combover and was wearing thin wire-framed glasses, a red members only jacket, and a black ribbed sweater with a zipper in front. he smiled politely and seemed really excited to be at the store. he asked me where the bondage supplies were and i stepped out from behind the counter to show him. that's when i knew what time it was. this guy's bottom half definitely DID NOT match the top. dude was wearing silver hot pants over black tights. you could see the outline of his entire package...so many shadows and creases. and he was also wearing heels. black ones, patent leather, cute shoes. he walks up to me and asks about what kind of gags we have. he was looking for an open gag. "you can fuck through them" is what he says to me in a heavy accent. maybe dutch? german? goes on to say "oh i hate having to wear one but what can you do?"
i realized "what can you do" was this guy's catch phrase as the conversation went on
he asked me what happened to sarah (previous store manager). i told him she moved and i was the new sara. he said "oh she was great. you look like her, too. are you into the scene at all?" i told him i wasn't. that i thought it was interesting and have played with some people before but nothing public. he shared some interesting information with me about my predecessor. like the time that he came into the store wearing a short skirt for her and she made him go out to his car, shackle his legs together, put on a ball gag, put in a butt plug, collar and leash, nipple clamps, then come back into the store. !@#% i didn't know what to say, didn't need a response because the woman who had been in the store was finally ready to pay so i stepped away to ring her up.
she acted completely normal despite this guy's attire. i respected her for that. i always worry when someone dressed up comes in that another customer will harass them or say something about it to me. that's the type of thing that makes me uncomfortable. cross dressers, that's my shit. quality people. love them.
alone at last. that was when he let me in on some good stuff. he told me three stories. oh, he's a sub in case anyone who reads this is wondering/looking for a slave.
first story was about a mistress he had who would make him dress as a woman and go out in public to humiliate him. he told me about a time that she made him wear a wig, do his makeup really heavy, wear some heels, and a hot pink tube dress along with a collar and leash. and she took him to a mall. he wasn't allowed to wear anything under the dress but he said "she let me carry my purse in front of me and cover my erection with it."
second story was somewhat similar only she made him go into the men's room (which had several people in it) and use the urinal while dressed as "you know, slut" <--the way he said that killed me with his accent
third and final story would be hard to believe if i had just read about it somewhere but the feeling i got from this guy convinced me it was almost normal for him. apparently, he travels a lot and spends most of his time in europe.
"there's this one woman who is a professional and she's really heavy into the scene over there. she's from germany but i've seen her all over. i've met her in hungary before. i went to a party in berlin this one time and she was there. and she ended up taking me home with her. when we got there she had me all done up. stripped totally naked, ball gag, ankles cuffed and i was on my knees so those cuffs were connected to the ones on my wrists behind my back, butt plug in, nipple clamps. she left me in her living room like that and then she came in all dressed up. leather and chains. perfect. she beat me for a little while and called me names and then she blindfolded me and i was alone in this room for about twenty-five minutes. she had gone to get her two daughters who she had trained into the scene. (whispered this next sentence) i know that one of them was probably about 14 and the other one 16 but what can you do. you've got to do it. those two girls though...you would not know how old they were with how well they were trained. they were beating me, making me crawl around on my knees, had me licking boots...."
my only response was "wow, that's one of the craziest things i've ever heard"
then some other girls walked into the store and he said "well, maybe you could check out some parties or something and see if you like it. i'm going to leave you now i've loved chatting with you."
one of the girls who walked in said something to him about needing to put clothes on and the other paid for a stripper pole with $100 in singles.
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