"that place is the axis of dirtballs"

3.12.10

must have been 1pm on a slow friday shift. man walks in who couldn't be more than about 5'3" wearing a dirty, forest green sweatshirt, plain baseball hat, jeans, and work boots. a stocky little guy but not intimidating at all--he totally had a woman's voice. he walks over to the magazines and shoots me a look on the way. he seemed a little uncomfortable and weird. something was definitely up with him but i couldn't quite figure it out. he grabbed something in the way of big tits and brought it up to the corner to pay. every time i made eye contact with him, he looked down. alright, weirdo. have a nice day.

i go back to what i had been doing and notice on the camera of the parking lot that his work truck hasn't left. i decide to check back in a few minutes. still there. i zoom in and see that this guy is definitely, 100%, without a doubt, pants unzipped, cock out, not wearing a seat belt masturbating. NICE. i've seen a guy pee in a can in his car, another try on a cock ring, but this was my first time witnessing straight up self-love. it might make me a terrible person, but i didn't want to do anything about it because the idea of some normal lady pulling up and catching him seemed hilarious to me. then my better judgment kicked in and i knew i had to do something. i called my assistant to tell her what was going on and that i was about to bust this dude. she was into it. i walked out through the back door and stared in through his window. i didn't get too close because i didn't know how he'd react. this guy was a complete moron. he had to have heard the door open because he looked up and started looking around his truck over his shoulder....in every direction EXCEPT mine. when he thought the coast was clear, he brought his head around to get back to business and caught me in the corner of his eye. so there i am, standing with a phone in my hand (which i'm sure he thought i was using to call the police) and the other hand pointing at him. i just yell at him "you can't do that in my parking lot. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" without even taking the time to zip his pants up, he was out. such a rush. would be into doing that everyday.

***update***

flashlight santa came in yet again. this time, right after my night shift relief arrived. she reads this so she knew who he was immediately. motherfucker was wearing those suspenders again. still gross. he bought another basketball pump...sup with that? anyway, he came in and i thought i may as well strike up a conversation with him and see if he's got anything good to say. i ask him, "hey did you ever find out that woman's name? you know, the one your friend knew someone who could find out about for you?" he stops and pauses for a second before responding, "oh you know i did have someone find out her name for me. my friend knows someone who works on all that computer stuff. and that's really all the information you need. i saw her playing one night and she had great hair. she's a violinist in the orchestra. did you know one of the oldest living professionals are conductors?" my co-worker and i told him no, we did not know that but it was interesting. then he said he was heading home to take a nap. before he left he said, "now i just need somebody to hold onto." and motioned with big, open arms. all the while, holding a bag containing a penis pump.