we open at ten and by five after there were already three people in the store when in walked a fourth. this guy stood out against the other random customers walking around....i got an uneasy feeling when he walked in. his head was shaved. a short man made to look even shorter by his cut-off-cargo-pants-socks-pulled-up combo. i write down "elmer fudd" on a piece of paper. he was looking at shoes the entire time there were other people in the store and as soon as we were alone he made his move. back toward the magazines...i was safe. still aware of his presence, although oblivious to his exact location, i went back to counting.
made my way to check my phone behind the counter for a second before i catch something in the corner of my eye. this guy is crouched down next to me. looking me dead in the eye. at this point, i'm even more creeped out but he seems familiar so i go with it.
"oh sorry. did you need something?"
elmer: do you have any of those shoes over there in another size?
me: no that's all we have left. that's why they're on sale. would you like me to call another store?
elmer: ah that's alright. i already stopped by your other store over there at [i'd tell you but i'd have to kill you] i was just looking for my friend. i like buying her shoes but i'm not too sure about the size. i just tried calling her but she hasn't answered.
me: maybe she's sleeping. it's still early.
elmer: yeah maybe. but i haven't been able to get ahold of her for about two weeks. she needed some money so she took off to work as a carny. i don't know where she's at right now but she isn't calling me back.
me: (dying inside) something must be up.
elmer: yeah, i know. but i don't want to just buy them without talking to her first because shoes are meant to be worn and loved. i'm not gonna buy any for her unless she loves them. i love shoes. shoes and boots...you women don't know what it does to us when you're walking around with pretty, painted toes.
we talk for a minute and he walks around the counter when another person walks in.
then out.
and then we're alone again.
elmer walks up to me and by now he's sweating. it's gross. since his head's shaved i can't tell where it's coming from. i cringe at the thought of sweat dripping on the counter when he leans on it to continue his story.
elmer: there was this other girl i used to buy presents for. i really like to help my friends. she was a manager at a mcdonald's but she was a fetish model, too. i used to buy her all kinds of crazy heels and boots. i took her shopping and it was like i was releasing my inner richard gere. you know like in pretty woman?
me: that's nice of you.
elmer: yeah well i'm gonna go to this document-shredding event coming up. i went last year. the fetish model, that's the last time i saw her. she hasn't been on facebook or anything like that. but that's why i'm going this year. she'll be there.
(the next thing he said, he whispered as though it were some big secret)
"i'm really going to just remind her that i'm hotter than the guy she's with now."
IDOUBTIT
the conversation continues...
elmer: i took her shopping for a whole bunch of clothes once. you know what size she wears? a zero! it was hard to find her size in anything. you know, you're the kind of person i'd go for. i don't care what's up top, you could be flat. actually, that's better.
me: (taken aback by the sudden shift of focus to my body) oh. people are into all kinds of different things i guess.
elmer: when's your birthday?
me: it was last week
elmer: you're kidding. mine's may 16th. you know who else is a sixteener?
"Debra Winger
Tori Spelling
David Bonanza, Borener...the guy from Angel and Bones
Megan Fox
Jack Morris
Billy Martin
Pierce Brosnan
Janet Jackson, who just got her hair cut and looks fantastic"
there's a lot of us out there, man.
he tells me a story about getting drunk and lets me in on a secret...burnt toast is good for hangovers. "the charcoal helps absorb the alcohol and stuff that's making you sick and the bread gets the rest." i said i'd try it.
a few more customers come and go and dude is still talking my ear off. sometimes i ask questions to get information out of people but on this particular morning i had work to do so it was starting to wear on my patience.
and then he snapped his fingers. "i remember you now! i talked to you about bands last time i was in here." it rang a bell, i definitely remembered him. and our conversation about bands was nothing more than him rattling off names while i yay or nayed hearing them before. but of course i went along with it.
me: yeah i remember you too now. right on. what do you have to do today? <-- my way of trying to encourage someone to leave (of course he didn't get it)
elmer: oh i have a couple jobs to go do today.
me: yeah? like what? what's your deal?
elmer: i'm a garden designer. and i cut some grass on the side.
me: that's cool.
elmer: i like to grow pot sometimes, too. i found the perfect spot to start these next ones up. it's behind this comic book shop. man, nobody goes back there. i'll throw the seeds out there, let em sprout up, then i'll take em home and hide em throughout my backyard in different spots. you know, they give off a heat signature that those cameras can pick up so you gotta be careful. listen if you ever want to get into that let me know. i have a lot of tips i can give you.
me: yeah, for sure.
elmer: (looks at his phone) well, i don't think she's calling me back. i was going to help with her rent, by the way. pfft, chyea, whatever. i'll see you around. what's your name?
me: sara
elmer: my one friend calls me damian. like from that band elvis hitler.
me: ok. see ya.
i wonder how many friends he has.
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