valentine's day part two: the few, the weird

saturday we got SLAMMED. so many people everywhere. i was stressed out as usual. it was so chaotic, i didn't get to spend too much quality time with any one person but i did manage to jot some notes down.

SATURDAY
early afternoon: man walks in. full on biker. beard, vest, boots. kenny g t-shirt under the vest?

around 6pm:  super butch lesbian brings a massage wand over to me and asks "do y'all got any bigger condoms than them ones over there? i need something to cover the whole top of this thing 'cause my baby downpour"

9:30pm: an old man walks in. he looked like he had to have been in his 70s. he defined "shriveled." deepest wrinkles, red circles around his eyes, thin white hair...probably a layer of dust. walking dead.
anyway he walks in, smiles at me, and heads straight back to the porn. big surprise: VHS. it didn't take him long to browse the 14-title section and pick one. while i was ringing him up he said "this is better than drinking you know. i don't get into much trouble with this. i used to drink. i must have had too much one time because some fellas beat me up. and they didn't do it the nice way. there were a whole lot of them. i went to aa you know. they've got a whole bunch of those groups now. AA, NA, they even have SA...for people who want to have sex all the time. and gambling, too." at this point, i didn't even care to get into it. this guy made me so uncomfortable in the strangest way. i just wanted him to leave. it could have been the ten other people in the store were distracting me..or maybe i was just worried that he would die mid-convo and then i'd have to deal with that. i walked out from behind the counter toward the door so he'd follow me and get the hint. before he left, he leaned in and asked me "say do you have the addresses of some of those clubs?" i assumed he meant strip clubs so i gave him a paper with a ton of ads and said "you can find a lot of those in here. you thinking about gettin into some trouble tonight?" he responded "oh i might. i've been a little too stiff lately." to which i replied, "there's no such thing as too stiff" and laughed. a man standing within earshot looked over his shoulder to me and gave an uncomfortable smile. then skeletor left.


11:30pm: the night was winding down. i brought out the mop and straightened everything so i'd be able to lock the doors at midnight and get home as soon as possible. of course, a couple walked in at 11:45 with no idea what they wanted. cool. the female apologized and said they wouldn't be long. i was annoyed but just kept cleaning and hoped for the best. they managed to mess something up in every section of the store in ten minutes but at least they bought something. she was boring, her guy was obnoxious. this is what he said to her, in front of me, across the store, as i rang them up:
"i'm gonna tie you to the wall and fuck you in the puss." goodnight.


SUNDAY

i got to work a few hours with another girl which was a relief because the day started out painfully slow. two great things happened in that short time.

3:30/3:45-ish: a worn out stripper who kind of resembled brittany murphy if she had 3-inch long dark roots on her fried, bleached hair and an oversized labret stud walked in with her nu-metal boyfriend. they didn't need any help but we stood by and listened since at that time of day, they were the only two people in the store. this was their conversation.
brittany:  do you want to look anymore?
bf: no. i'd rather spend my money on beer.
brittany: yeah me too. let's go.
fast forward about one minute to them standing at the counter being rung up.
brittany: [grabs a book of sex positions] i had sex in a chair once. it was interesting. well, it was in a  mental institution slash couch.
bf: *crickets*


?!?

5:30pm: this last guy had perfect timing since i was off at 6. i looked up from my paperwork and saw someone smile at me. i recognized him from being in the store once before. that time we had a pretty in-depth discussion on porn, the avn awards, vegas, and how he'd like to go but doesn't think he could control himself. he was fishing for some invites on sex parties--we get a lot of them in the store...the guys who think that because we work at a porn shop we have an in on all kinds of orgies and sex for sale. we don't.

ok this guy...he picks up a penis extension...a white one. he's black. and we do have a black one in stock..picks it up and says "i think i might get this. don't you think that would be so funny if i put this on?" i look up to answer his question and get a nice bonus. i see that he is wearing sweatpants. oh and he clearly has no underwear on. and even better....HUGE BONER! i answer him "yeah, i guess" with a straight face and when he turns to put the item back, look over at my assistant, wide-eyed mouthing "OH MY GOD SWEATPANTS BONER." then i have her follow me over to a rack of lingerie so we can assess the situation. as soon as i start telling her about how he had gotten kind of weird with me the first time he came in, she signals that he's coming up behind me. i turn around and make eye contact with him. in his hand, he's holding two pairs of silk boxers. one red, the other black. he asks our opinion while holding each pair in front of himself, switching back and forth. he got us good. there was no way to help him without looking at his still raging boner. with all of two feet between us, i made out a distinct outline of the head and there was definitely a vein present. actually, it looked like he might have been wearing a cock ring....he asked if he could try the boxers on. i told him no. he said he'd be back with his girlfriend later. that was the end of my interaction with him. before i left, i was informed that he had one more question for my co-worker regarding the extension: "can i put this on when i'm limp?"

happy valentine's day, indeed.