ho ho oh no

for me, christmas comes about once every two weeks. santa is one of my most regular customers and each time he comes in, i feel like i get a little closer to him. i'm not sure i like that or not...anyhow, the last time he came in was a couple weeks ago. morning (as usual) and there was nobody else in the store. the first thing he says to me after i ask him how he's been is "i bet this job is pretty entertaining." i smiled. opened up my notebook. and got ready for what i was sure would be another pleasant conversation. he was all over the place. covered a lot of different topics: from porn to power tools. strange man, santa.

1.
i ask him how his day's going and he tells me about how he had been planning to take his mower out on a few jobs but that got put off because some neighbors broke into his shed. apparently this is a common occurence as there have been a total of fifteen chainsaws stolen. all by the same people. all from the same shed. he said they sell them for drug money.

2.

next he asks me if we have any "weird porn" before he grabs this from the shelf: 

he asks me if i've ever done anything involving getting all "oiled up" and then tells me a story:
once i went on this cruise and we ended up in a motel in south carolina one night. a friend and i had a bottle of baby oil. it was messy but you know it wasn't all that great. we did have fun soaping each other up afterward though. let's just say the people at the hotel weren't too happy with the way we left the room.


3.
i've grown accustomed to answering personal questions that would probably offend--if not frighten/enrage--most people on a daily basis without giving it a second thought...however, when it comes to this guy, i can't help but squirm a little. especially when i hear him ask "so you ever play with any of these toys?" i answered him: "some of them, sometimes" but that's where the conversation ended...which actually made me more uncomfortable because it caused me to wonder what he was thinking when he stopped talking and just stared into space for a minute... gross.

breaks the silence with a change of subject..."i see that tattoo on your arm. i had a former employee with a tattoo on the back of his neck. you know bacardi 151? he had that logo tattooed on him. yeah, but he's in prison now."

these "stories" were pretty lame i suppose. but you have to remember!...this dude looks like santa claus, sounds like wilford brimley, and smells like hot garbage.




his last anecdote was actually disturbing.

4.
"i knew a police officer who worked up there in beverly hills. he used to pull over african american women and instead of giving them tickets, he'd get sex from them. yeah, but that was a while ago. i don't talk to him anymore." hearing that, i really wondered if it was worth it to keep the conversation going and said, "so those are the kinds of people you're friends with, huh?"
he defensively came back with, "no, no i wouldn't consider him a friend. he was just more of an acquaintance." i guess that makes it alright. right?