first thing that had to be done was to change some fluorescent lights. i hate it...those stupid long bulbs are such a pain to fit in the fixture and half of the ballasts are sketchy and i know one of these days i'll be electrocuted. at least boss lady was there to help out. this is my luck: changing the first bulb and as soon as it makes contact there's a loud POP and a spark and half of the lights go out in the store. perfect. i check the circuit breaker and no luck. call the handyman and he'll be on his way in a few hours. the lighting gave the store a whole new creepy, low-life feel. i was into it. my boss, not so much. but we dealt.
around one or so, one of my regulars came in. he's not a regular customer so much as a regular loiterer/creep and usually i'm annoyed by him when he walks in but today i was pumped. the scenario played out like this:
right off the bat, dude was lookin good. sloppy mess as usual. this guy looks like santa with his white beard, huge gut, glasses, and suspenders. the rest of his look is less childhood fantasy, more night terror. his white, shaggy hair covered most of his face which is probably a good thing since his skin looks like a topographical map on red paper covered in vaseline. he must party. a sour smell surrounds him all the time but today he smelled especially ripe. (must have been sweating underneath his winter coat)
i apologize to him for the lights being so dim and he says, "good thing i brought my own" and proceeds to pull a flashlight out of his pocket. i thought he was joking until he turned it on and started scanning the merchandise. not that he needed it. he comes in so often i'm sure he could navigate his way through the store blindfolded. as per usual, he makes his way to the pumps to check out the selection. when he sees we have the same ones as always, he moves on to the discount rack and picks this up:
yeah, a basketball-themed penis pump. he comes over to the counter where i'm standing with my superior and i ask him "is this one more like the clear one you were asking me about?" (he's been coming in asking about a clear pump at least twice a month since i started this job) he says, "yep it's almost like that one. i want to see what it looks like." i take it out of the package for him and he asks me how the release valve works so i show him and then he says to my boss and i "it's the only way to exercise your penis, you know. [awkward pause] my urologist told me that. this one might do the trick but you still can't see your anatomy with it." i couldn't help myself..."oh so THAT'S why you want the clear one? so you can watch while you use it?" should have seen the look on my boss's face, she wasn't impressed. santa smiles, says he'll think about it and continues to browse--even being so kind as to shine his light on some items that another customer was looking at and offer his opinion on some pocket pussies. freaked that lady out.he makes his way back around and decides instead of the pump, he'll take a massage kit that costs all of $7. when i ask if he needs any batteries he responds "i've got thousands at home. probably hundreds is more like it. i bought packs of 80 or 90 at a drug store after christmas time and they were marked down ninety percent because you know they want to get rid of all that stuff." i ask him when he bought them and he tells me "two years ago. i bought five of those packs." all i could imagine was this slob sitting at home wiping food on his greasy t-shirt, watching game shows, "exercising" his penis, surrounded by batteries in a very dark room.
then-out of nowhere-this is the last thing he says to me: "now i just need to get this girl i saw. i found out i might know someone who talked to someone who can tell me what her name is. if i knew where she worked and lived, i would send her flowers. and i wouldn't get them from the dollar store."
yikes.
next customer was in a rush and asked me to recommend something that would travel well. i hook him up with a small vibrator and some AAAs which he comments on "you're gonna rape me on the batteries like that?! so to speak i mean. i didn't mean..." i cut him off and say "it's cool i know what you meant. don't worry i say worse things than that all the time. so, travelling? where you going?" he replies, "oh, it's for my friend. i need something for her to remember me by." then he winked at me. i smiled and said "oh well then you might want to give her a picture to use with that." he looks me dead in the eye and says, "can't. she'll be with her husband." he laughs and winks again before leaving.
ah, love.
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