hunk of burning (child) love

if johnny cash and vegas-style elvis had a black lovechild, this woman would have been it. as soon as she walks through the door, i see rhinestones of blue and silver all over her shirt--which is black with an oversized lapel and it's tucked into black jeans. jeans, i might add, that look as though they'll bust at any moment. black belt/huge buckle (of course). she was stylin! did i mention she had a lazy eye? she did.
as she makes her way through the store, i get to know her. about her boyfriend that her kids don't approve of. how she hasn't had sex in almost ten years and she's ready to "get sexy." she was a pretty average customer (besides her outfit)...in the beginning.

when she reached the back of the store, she started looking at all kinds of toys. she didn't ask any questions about things she could use for herself or her boyfriend. instead, she was curious to learn about what we had for men to use. i show her some pocket pussies and explain to her their basic function. here's when she set herself apart....the next things to come out of her mouth were to be some of the more memorable comments a customer has ever made. some of them upsetting, others hilarious....

elvis on pocket pussies: "if they got this, why do they need to mess with little kids? why can't they just use these on themselves and leave those little kids alone? i had to go to court the other day because i just found out my grandbaby was abused by my daughter's boyfriend. i swear i almost passed out in that courtroom. i saw him and i saw that little girl gettin upset and trying to hide and child, i couldn't breathe. i was so mad. why they need to mess with little kids like that? maybe if he had something like this, he would have left her alone."

i explained to her it wasn't that simple...that the point of "messing with kids" had very little to do with just trying to get off and that the child is  a necessary component. it's disturbing to me how little is understood about pedophilia...maybe i watch too much SVU.

anyway, she tells me some more of her grandchild's molestation and just when i feel like i should either give her a hug or throw up, she walks away. she doesn't go far at all. about ten steps, actually. she was practically on the verge of tears when all of a sudden, she speaks: OOOH I LOVE ME SOME SEXY SEXY STOCKINGS!

okay?....

she continues her way back around to the front of the store and abruptly changes the subject again. this time, the topic is her weight loss through belly dancing. belly dancing that, like her boyfriend, her kids don't agree with. "they say i'm too old to be doing that kind of stuff. can  you believe i'm 51 years old?" (i can. she looks even older than that, but i tell her no anyway) "they say that belly dancing really helps to flatten out your stomach. i don't want to be too skinny though, nobody likes that. i wanna keep some of these curves." **i should have mentioned before that this woman had more of an ass in the front so when she says "curves" i immediately picture her naked. [that's definitely something i wish i could turn off...gross] "i'm going to wait until i lose some weight before i buy anything like this (holds up some lingerie) but i'm glad i know you're here now. ima definitely be back here. you know what i don't understand? [at this point, i hope you've realized that this woman is incapable of staying on one particular subject for more than a few minutes and fails to make any attempt at a segue onto another] i don't see how people can get up to be five, six hundred pounds. and who are these people who keep on feeding them. they stay in bed their whole life. i think the people givin them whatever they want must want to keep them that way. it's just disgusting to me. they can't shower. can't do anything. that ain't no kind of life."


i agree with her last statement. she starts fanning herself. "ooh i've got an infection right now and i can't breathe because i've got asthma, too. woo, child! it hurts." should i have let her use my inhaler? i'll never know. she jumps back onto the topic of morbid obesity as she pays for some random items. "i don't understand how people get so big. the food's still gonna be there when you die. you'll never be able to eat all of it." <--- that's what you'd call wisdom

i tell her i hope everything works out with her family (i figured since our conversation was so fragmented and disorganized that it wouldn't throw her off) and that i'm sorry she's dealing with so much. she smiles at me and leaves. with the door open, she waves to me and puts on a pair of sunglasses. "thank you, child. i'll be back soon! need to get me some of that sexy, sexy."