redemption in the form of a hoodrat

3.19.10

friday night. when i worked last saturday night, i was disappointed. hardly any customers, much less anyone/anything worth writing about. but tonight....

the door opens, before i hear the chime i hear "NIGGAAAAA!" i look up and see it's this woman who was in the store on tuesday. she was wearing an ill-fitting shirt that was stretched across her pregnant-looking-but-not-actually-with-child belly and coming up in the front. "out of my mind back in 5 minutes" written on the front in different fonts. she had her hair wrapped with a bandana...and when i got closer, she smelled like liquor. she had a friend with her who had to be no less than 6' with huge boobs and matching ass. the friend was quiet and didn't say much. i really didn't say much either. what i mean is i didn't have to ask any questions or crack any jokes to get this lady going....

so the stage is set. drunk ghetto mess walks in. yells "nigga." game on.

she looks at a rack and says, "aw this my shit right here! girl, look at this. 'i got the pussy so i make the rules' that's my shirt (not a typo, it was on a shirt) i'm about to get that." she grabs a shirt off of the rack and brings it up to me loling hard. "girl you seen this shirt? hey you got that shrinkin cream?" i grab a tube, "you mean this?"
"oh yeah that's it. i gotta get me some of that. get my pussy right." she sets the shirt on the counter and pulls out money to pay for it. i ask her "so do you want this cream right now, too?" an honest answer, "nah i'm gonna come back before my man get out." i just tell her "ok." which prompted her to formally introduce herself-naturally. i can't say what they are but her first, middle, and last name all begin with the letter m. "don't that name sound like some video shit? ahaha, giirrrrl that's my mama fuckin on a monday. hold my bag up here i wanna look around still." she reads a trashy thong aloud "dick magnet. i need to hang that shit on my lawn." at that point i couldn't help but laugh at the things i was hearing. she took inappropriate to another level for sure. of course there's more. but first you should know that at this point, a lone female and a group of three have also walked in.

she walks over to her friend who is shopping for herself, laughs some, i overhear her say "assume the position, nigga" then she makes her way back to the front of the store. from about 15 feet away: "you know tomorrow night that new moon twilight comin out. march 20th it's about to be ondemand. you know i'm gonna watch that. then i'm gonna call them and say 'i didn't see it. it was fuckin up.' you gotta learn how to fuck them [the cable company]" i say, "you won't." her reply, "you don't know nothin bout yes the fuck i will." awesome response. i laugh again. she brings the cream back up to me, "so that shrink cream that's what's up huh? ima get me some when my man gets out--(she repeated herself a lot)--you don't know nothin about some aloe at meijer." i wanted to know what she meant, "really? aloe?"
"mm hmm yes girl. i get some of that, put it in a douche bag and i'm happy."
"weird, i've never heard of that."

i'm pulled away by the woman shopping solo and answer a few questions. then, i'm grabbed by one of the three women shopping together and when i look at her i realize her friend is just walking around drinking one of those little bottles of wine, you know the ones that come in the 4-pack. yeah. just walking around the store drinking wine. i ring the three of them up and they leave.

the original two women come up to the counter and i help the quiet friend pick out some things. i ask "so what are you two up to tonight?"

"relaxin our pussies."
quiet friend laughs and says, "that's what she be sayin all the time."
ms. out of her mind leans on the counter and says, "you don't know nothin about the twilight hour. go to bed, kids." imagine her with her kids....jesus. while the friend pays, some jimmy eat world song starts playing. then, out of nowhere...something even funnier, more mind-blowing than anything else that had come out of her mouth... homegirl starts singing:

turn your head now baby just spit me out

the tune doesn't match the song playing...but it's definitely familiar. still singing, she pauses to ask "girl you know who sing that song? turn your head now baby just spit me out."
me: collective soul? 

MOOHM: [hits her friend on the arm] you remember that shit. turn your head now baby just spit me out.
i finish her friend's transaction and before they leave i answer one more question.
"what's your name?"
"sara."
"sara, i'm gonna come up here all the time whenever you workin. that's my girl right there."
i really hope she does.