3.19.10
friday night. when i worked last saturday night, i was disappointed. hardly any customers, much less anyone/anything worth writing about. but tonight....
the door opens, before i hear the chime i hear "NIGGAAAAA!" i look up and see it's this woman who was in the store on tuesday. she was wearing an ill-fitting shirt that was stretched across her pregnant-looking-but-not-actually-with-child belly and coming up in the front. "out of my mind back in 5 minutes" written on the front in different fonts. she had her hair wrapped with a bandana...and when i got closer, she smelled like liquor. she had a friend with her who had to be no less than 6' with huge boobs and matching ass. the friend was quiet and didn't say much. i really didn't say much either. what i mean is i didn't have to ask any questions or crack any jokes to get this lady going....
so the stage is set. drunk ghetto mess walks in. yells "nigga." game on.
she looks at a rack and says, "aw this my shit right here! girl, look at this. 'i got the pussy so i make the rules' that's my shirt (not a typo, it was on a shirt) i'm about to get that." she grabs a shirt off of the rack and brings it up to me loling hard. "girl you seen this shirt? hey you got that shrinkin cream?" i grab a tube, "you mean this?"
"oh yeah that's it. i gotta get me some of that. get my pussy right." she sets the shirt on the counter and pulls out money to pay for it. i ask her "so do you want this cream right now, too?" an honest answer, "nah i'm gonna come back before my man get out." i just tell her "ok." which prompted her to formally introduce herself-naturally. i can't say what they are but her first, middle, and last name all begin with the letter m. "don't that name sound like some video shit? ahaha, giirrrrl that's my mama fuckin on a monday. hold my bag up here i wanna look around still." she reads a trashy thong aloud "dick magnet. i need to hang that shit on my lawn." at that point i couldn't help but laugh at the things i was hearing. she took inappropriate to another level for sure. of course there's more. but first you should know that at this point, a lone female and a group of three have also walked in.
she walks over to her friend who is shopping for herself, laughs some, i overhear her say "assume the position, nigga" then she makes her way back to the front of the store. from about 15 feet away: "you know tomorrow night that new moon twilight comin out. march 20th it's about to be ondemand. you know i'm gonna watch that. then i'm gonna call them and say 'i didn't see it. it was fuckin up.' you gotta learn how to fuck them [the cable company]" i say, "you won't." her reply, "you don't know nothin bout yes the fuck i will." awesome response. i laugh again. she brings the cream back up to me, "so that shrink cream that's what's up huh? ima get me some when my man gets out--(she repeated herself a lot)--you don't know nothin about some aloe at meijer." i wanted to know what she meant, "really? aloe?"
"mm hmm yes girl. i get some of that, put it in a douche bag and i'm happy."
"weird, i've never heard of that."
i'm pulled away by the woman shopping solo and answer a few questions. then, i'm grabbed by one of the three women shopping together and when i look at her i realize her friend is just walking around drinking one of those little bottles of wine, you know the ones that come in the 4-pack. yeah. just walking around the store drinking wine. i ring the three of them up and they leave.
the original two women come up to the counter and i help the quiet friend pick out some things. i ask "so what are you two up to tonight?"
"relaxin our pussies."
quiet friend laughs and says, "that's what she be sayin all the time."
ms. out of her mind leans on the counter and says, "you don't know nothin about the twilight hour. go to bed, kids." imagine her with her kids....jesus. while the friend pays, some jimmy eat world song starts playing. then, out of nowhere...something even funnier, more mind-blowing than anything else that had come out of her mouth... homegirl starts singing:
turn your head now baby just spit me out
the tune doesn't match the song playing...but it's definitely familiar. still singing, she pauses to ask "girl you know who sing that song? turn your head now baby just spit me out."
me: collective soul?
MOOHM: [hits her friend on the arm] you remember that shit. turn your head now baby just spit me out.
i finish her friend's transaction and before they leave i answer one more question.
"what's your name?"
"sara."
"sara, i'm gonna come up here all the time whenever you workin. that's my girl right there."
i really hope she does.
3.13.2010
"that place is the axis of dirtballs"
3.12.10
must have been 1pm on a slow friday shift. man walks in who couldn't be more than about 5'3" wearing a dirty, forest green sweatshirt, plain baseball hat, jeans, and work boots. a stocky little guy but not intimidating at all--he totally had a woman's voice. he walks over to the magazines and shoots me a look on the way. he seemed a little uncomfortable and weird. something was definitely up with him but i couldn't quite figure it out. he grabbed something in the way of big tits and brought it up to the corner to pay. every time i made eye contact with him, he looked down. alright, weirdo. have a nice day.
i go back to what i had been doing and notice on the camera of the parking lot that his work truck hasn't left. i decide to check back in a few minutes. still there. i zoom in and see that this guy is definitely, 100%, without a doubt, pants unzipped, cock out, not wearing a seat belt masturbating. NICE. i've seen a guy pee in a can in his car, another try on a cock ring, but this was my first time witnessing straight up self-love. it might make me a terrible person, but i didn't want to do anything about it because the idea of some normal lady pulling up and catching him seemed hilarious to me. then my better judgment kicked in and i knew i had to do something. i called my assistant to tell her what was going on and that i was about to bust this dude. she was into it. i walked out through the back door and stared in through his window. i didn't get too close because i didn't know how he'd react. this guy was a complete moron. he had to have heard the door open because he looked up and started looking around his truck over his shoulder....in every direction EXCEPT mine. when he thought the coast was clear, he brought his head around to get back to business and caught me in the corner of his eye. so there i am, standing with a phone in my hand (which i'm sure he thought i was using to call the police) and the other hand pointing at him. i just yell at him "you can't do that in my parking lot. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" without even taking the time to zip his pants up, he was out. such a rush. would be into doing that everyday.
***update***
flashlight santa came in yet again. this time, right after my night shift relief arrived. she reads this so she knew who he was immediately. motherfucker was wearing those suspenders again. still gross. he bought another basketball pump...sup with that? anyway, he came in and i thought i may as well strike up a conversation with him and see if he's got anything good to say. i ask him, "hey did you ever find out that woman's name? you know, the one your friend knew someone who could find out about for you?" he stops and pauses for a second before responding, "oh you know i did have someone find out her name for me. my friend knows someone who works on all that computer stuff. and that's really all the information you need. i saw her playing one night and she had great hair. she's a violinist in the orchestra. did you know one of the oldest living professionals are conductors?" my co-worker and i told him no, we did not know that but it was interesting. then he said he was heading home to take a nap. before he left he said, "now i just need somebody to hold onto." and motioned with big, open arms. all the while, holding a bag containing a penis pump.
must have been 1pm on a slow friday shift. man walks in who couldn't be more than about 5'3" wearing a dirty, forest green sweatshirt, plain baseball hat, jeans, and work boots. a stocky little guy but not intimidating at all--he totally had a woman's voice. he walks over to the magazines and shoots me a look on the way. he seemed a little uncomfortable and weird. something was definitely up with him but i couldn't quite figure it out. he grabbed something in the way of big tits and brought it up to the corner to pay. every time i made eye contact with him, he looked down. alright, weirdo. have a nice day.
i go back to what i had been doing and notice on the camera of the parking lot that his work truck hasn't left. i decide to check back in a few minutes. still there. i zoom in and see that this guy is definitely, 100%, without a doubt, pants unzipped, cock out, not wearing a seat belt masturbating. NICE. i've seen a guy pee in a can in his car, another try on a cock ring, but this was my first time witnessing straight up self-love. it might make me a terrible person, but i didn't want to do anything about it because the idea of some normal lady pulling up and catching him seemed hilarious to me. then my better judgment kicked in and i knew i had to do something. i called my assistant to tell her what was going on and that i was about to bust this dude. she was into it. i walked out through the back door and stared in through his window. i didn't get too close because i didn't know how he'd react. this guy was a complete moron. he had to have heard the door open because he looked up and started looking around his truck over his shoulder....in every direction EXCEPT mine. when he thought the coast was clear, he brought his head around to get back to business and caught me in the corner of his eye. so there i am, standing with a phone in my hand (which i'm sure he thought i was using to call the police) and the other hand pointing at him. i just yell at him "you can't do that in my parking lot. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" without even taking the time to zip his pants up, he was out. such a rush. would be into doing that everyday.
***update***
flashlight santa came in yet again. this time, right after my night shift relief arrived. she reads this so she knew who he was immediately. motherfucker was wearing those suspenders again. still gross. he bought another basketball pump...sup with that? anyway, he came in and i thought i may as well strike up a conversation with him and see if he's got anything good to say. i ask him, "hey did you ever find out that woman's name? you know, the one your friend knew someone who could find out about for you?" he stops and pauses for a second before responding, "oh you know i did have someone find out her name for me. my friend knows someone who works on all that computer stuff. and that's really all the information you need. i saw her playing one night and she had great hair. she's a violinist in the orchestra. did you know one of the oldest living professionals are conductors?" my co-worker and i told him no, we did not know that but it was interesting. then he said he was heading home to take a nap. before he left he said, "now i just need somebody to hold onto." and motioned with big, open arms. all the while, holding a bag containing a penis pump.
the doctor is out
3.4.10
The Doctor
two women walked into the store around noon. one said "hello" when she saw me. the other raised her voice to an inappropriate volume and let me know "y'all should put an entrance in the back. i don't want nobody to be seein' me walkin in here." i don't understand why people like her ever come in to begin with. they're good for nothing but negative commentary and "can't believe" what they see. i wish i could tell them to either get over it or just get out. but i can't....so i kept my distance. and it ended up working out. sort of.
the quiet friend brought her purchase to the counter and paid. while she was waiting for her credit card to go through, she began a conversation with her friend.
polite woman: did lauren* ever tell you about that perverted doctor she used to see?
loudmouth: no. what doctor?
polite woman: she had gone out with this doctor a couple times and the second night they got together he kept on asking her "what kinds of toys do you have? let me see them? you wanna bring those over my place?"
loudmouth: he was all up in her business like that?
polite woman: then he told her "having sex with a woman feels like sticking your dick in warm oatmeal." he brought up that oatmeal thing a couple times at dinner and when they went back to his place he said he wanted to show her something. do you know he heated up some oatmeal and started jacking off with it?!
loudmouth: girl, that's nasty.
***update***
the slob with the flashlight came back and ended up buying the basketball pump after all
also on that day, my slave and corset man both called asking for me. i told the slave i was someone else because i didn't feel like dealing with him and i let my cross-dressing friend know that the lingerie i ordered still hadn't come in and to check back the following week.
***********
"Pam"
winding down to an hour and a half left of my shift and the phone rings. the voice on the other end belongs to a male. maybe an older gentleman...the kind of voice that would play over a holiday story on some kids tv movie..grandpa-sounding.
grandpa: hi. i'm a pre-op transexual and i've heard that you girls that work there really are pros when it comes to walking in heels and a couple of you really get into it. is this one of those girls right now?
me: [with no clue as to what he is talking about] yes it is.
grandpa: oh so you like to wear those heels? tell me, are you wearing them now?
me: of course i am (NOT)
grandpa: oh that's good. how high is the heel on those?
me: not too tall since i'm working, 4-inch stilettos with a half-inch platform
grandpa: oh yeah. do they hurt your feet?
me: they start to after a while but you have to suffer if you want to look good, right?
grandpa: don't i know it. i work at a club and you should see some of the boots i wear there. the guys that come in there, they like to see a girl limping around. the closer they see girls to tears, the more money they're willing to spend. some of those girls walk around in boots with 8-inch heels and open toes for hours. you can tell they're carrying their weight on the sides of their feet by the end of the night.do you like to wear boots?
me: yes, but i need to get some new ones.
grandpa: i've got so many different pairs of boots. what size are you? i wear a 7.
me: (this guy must be so tiny) i wear a seven, too
grandpa: i'll give you a pair of my boots. what kind do you like? i've got black, red, tan, white, all kinds of different ones. i have one pair with a clear sole and the platform is clear so when you lift up your feet, you can see them all squished into that boot. i make a lot of money with those. do you know what a corn is?
me: yes
grandpa: i have one on my right pinky toe. it's very large, you know it stands up high. i was wearing those boots one night and there was a man sitting by the door. and he was a dentist. he comes there quite often and everyone knows if they want to make some money to get his attention. he got me to take off my boots one night so he could see my feet and when he saw that corn do you know what he did?
me: he bit it.
grandpa: gasp. he did! tell me, how did you know?
me: i just had a feeling.
grandpa: well then he gave me $50 for it. just to bite my corn. he spent about a thousand dollars that night total. you could make some very good money if you came to work with me. now you said you like boots?
me: yes
grandpa: oh i love them. men do, too.do you have any callouses?
me: not really
grandpa: we'll get you one. i'll give you some boots to wear and give you a nice callous. very sexy and large. that way when you lift your feet and those men see that callous, they'll be dying to rub it for you. and they might even suck on it.
me: well that doesn't sound like a bad way to make money
grandpa: one month of working with me and i'm telling you, you'll make 5-6 grand. i want you to think about my feet. think about callouses, bunions, and corns. men love corns. can i call you later?
me: i don't give out my phone number
grandpa: would you call me later? i just really would like to talk to you some more. maybe you can come out to the club.
me: i have plans tonight but maybe i'll call you
grandpa: you don't have a boyfriend or husband or anything? because those girls don't last long at the club. they'll hold you back.
me: no. nobody.
grandpa: good. that's very good. here's my number (xxx)xxx-xxxx. call me pam.
The Doctor
two women walked into the store around noon. one said "hello" when she saw me. the other raised her voice to an inappropriate volume and let me know "y'all should put an entrance in the back. i don't want nobody to be seein' me walkin in here." i don't understand why people like her ever come in to begin with. they're good for nothing but negative commentary and "can't believe" what they see. i wish i could tell them to either get over it or just get out. but i can't....so i kept my distance. and it ended up working out. sort of.
the quiet friend brought her purchase to the counter and paid. while she was waiting for her credit card to go through, she began a conversation with her friend.
polite woman: did lauren* ever tell you about that perverted doctor she used to see?
loudmouth: no. what doctor?
polite woman: she had gone out with this doctor a couple times and the second night they got together he kept on asking her "what kinds of toys do you have? let me see them? you wanna bring those over my place?"
loudmouth: he was all up in her business like that?
polite woman: then he told her "having sex with a woman feels like sticking your dick in warm oatmeal." he brought up that oatmeal thing a couple times at dinner and when they went back to his place he said he wanted to show her something. do you know he heated up some oatmeal and started jacking off with it?!
loudmouth: girl, that's nasty.
***update***
the slob with the flashlight came back and ended up buying the basketball pump after all
also on that day, my slave and corset man both called asking for me. i told the slave i was someone else because i didn't feel like dealing with him and i let my cross-dressing friend know that the lingerie i ordered still hadn't come in and to check back the following week.
***********
"Pam"
winding down to an hour and a half left of my shift and the phone rings. the voice on the other end belongs to a male. maybe an older gentleman...the kind of voice that would play over a holiday story on some kids tv movie..grandpa-sounding.
grandpa: hi. i'm a pre-op transexual and i've heard that you girls that work there really are pros when it comes to walking in heels and a couple of you really get into it. is this one of those girls right now?
me: [with no clue as to what he is talking about] yes it is.
grandpa: oh so you like to wear those heels? tell me, are you wearing them now?
me: of course i am (NOT)
grandpa: oh that's good. how high is the heel on those?
me: not too tall since i'm working, 4-inch stilettos with a half-inch platform
grandpa: oh yeah. do they hurt your feet?
me: they start to after a while but you have to suffer if you want to look good, right?
grandpa: don't i know it. i work at a club and you should see some of the boots i wear there. the guys that come in there, they like to see a girl limping around. the closer they see girls to tears, the more money they're willing to spend. some of those girls walk around in boots with 8-inch heels and open toes for hours. you can tell they're carrying their weight on the sides of their feet by the end of the night.do you like to wear boots?
me: yes, but i need to get some new ones.
grandpa: i've got so many different pairs of boots. what size are you? i wear a 7.
me: (this guy must be so tiny) i wear a seven, too
grandpa: i'll give you a pair of my boots. what kind do you like? i've got black, red, tan, white, all kinds of different ones. i have one pair with a clear sole and the platform is clear so when you lift up your feet, you can see them all squished into that boot. i make a lot of money with those. do you know what a corn is?
me: yes
grandpa: i have one on my right pinky toe. it's very large, you know it stands up high. i was wearing those boots one night and there was a man sitting by the door. and he was a dentist. he comes there quite often and everyone knows if they want to make some money to get his attention. he got me to take off my boots one night so he could see my feet and when he saw that corn do you know what he did?
me: he bit it.
grandpa: gasp. he did! tell me, how did you know?
me: i just had a feeling.
grandpa: well then he gave me $50 for it. just to bite my corn. he spent about a thousand dollars that night total. you could make some very good money if you came to work with me. now you said you like boots?
me: yes
grandpa: oh i love them. men do, too.do you have any callouses?
me: not really
grandpa: we'll get you one. i'll give you some boots to wear and give you a nice callous. very sexy and large. that way when you lift your feet and those men see that callous, they'll be dying to rub it for you. and they might even suck on it.
me: well that doesn't sound like a bad way to make money
grandpa: one month of working with me and i'm telling you, you'll make 5-6 grand. i want you to think about my feet. think about callouses, bunions, and corns. men love corns. can i call you later?
me: i don't give out my phone number
grandpa: would you call me later? i just really would like to talk to you some more. maybe you can come out to the club.
me: i have plans tonight but maybe i'll call you
grandpa: you don't have a boyfriend or husband or anything? because those girls don't last long at the club. they'll hold you back.
me: no. nobody.
grandpa: good. that's very good. here's my number (xxx)xxx-xxxx. call me pam.
3.04.2010
you will not speak unless spoken to
monday morning i was tired and annoyed. there's always a ton of paperwork to be done on the first of the month so i usually don't get to spend too much time with customers. luckily, i worked the day before and it freed up the better part of my day.
the background on the first guy who came in is as follows:
about two and a half months ago, a guy came into the store and lurked the shoes for a little while. he looked like an average dude: about 6 foot, short hair, glasses, polo, good teeth. i walked up to him and asked him if he needed help and at first he said no...i made small talk with him and apparently i made him feel pretty comfortable because soon after, he let me know what was up. he was going to a party with his wife that a bunch of their friends were throwing. it was a costume party (with a twist). everyone going drew names of famous people from the past that they were supposed to dress up as...but he and his wife got the wild card which meant not only did they have to dress up but they had to reverse roles so he was the female and she was the male. he had come in to buy shoes and hoped we had his size. we did. he bought some black, patent leather pumps. while i was ringing him up, he shared with me his anxiety about how it would go over. he had never worn women's shoes before and felt embarrassed to even ask. i told him nothing phased me and if his wife seemed cool with the idea, she probably wouldn't have an issue with it once it came time for him to get dressed up...and who knows, she might be into it. he still seemed pretty nervous about the whole thing when he left but i had a good feeling. which turned out to be correct. the next time i saw him, he told me i was right and that not only did the costume go over well at the party, but wifey was into it at home. and he didn't mind the heels all that much. in fact, he'd like to buy more. i hoooked him up with a different pair of heels and since then i've seen him on a pretty regular basis...each time, he tries on and/or buys a new pair of shoes. i saw him just after valentine's day and he started asking about lingerie. would we have anything that might fit him, do i think it's weird, do i get many men shopping for themselves, etc. i told him part of the story about the man who called on v-day weekend and gave me the spending limit...i didn't tell him exactly what i picked out but gave him just enough to make him feel comfortable talking about it. since he was just entertaining his curiosity, i sold him a pair of fishnet thigh highs. white. told him they'd make his legs look great and would look good with the shoes he already had. **which, by the way, he wears while vacuuming**
when he came in on monday, i learned that he stopped in friday morning but when i wasn't there decided to leave...."i didn't feel like i could be as open with the other girl in here. something about you, i can just talk to you about all of this and i don't feel like i'm offending you or you have any problem with it" is what he said to me. even if what he's into might seem weird to most people, it makes me feel good to know that i make him feel comfortable enough to be honest so that was pretty rad anyway. it gets better. he wanted to try on some boots but since there was another person in the store, i let him use the fitting room for privacy. they didn't fit and no he didn't cum all over the walls. instead, he brought the box back up to me, boots packed neatly inside and waited for the other guy to leave. i told him it was good to see him and asked how all of the dressing up was going at home. then he hit me with this, "it's so much fun. you were right. we both really like it. i think she might like it more than me. i wanted to show you something, though." just then, he unzipped his jacket and revealed a black satin corset with lace trim. dude had a huge shit-eating grin across his face. i was stoked. i said, "oh hey you did it! niiiiice...how does it feel? you into it?" he said, "i really like it. i know last time i was in here i said i wasn't sure if i'd ever be willing to go out in public like this but i figured you'd get a kick out of it." when i asked him how the fishnets worked out he said, "oh hey, look at this," pulled up his pant leg, and showed me that he was wearing those, too! he left without buying anything but said he'd be back. and i know he will.
a couple hours later, i was doing something in the front window and saw a short, skinny guy walking up to the door. he looked familiar and when i saw his face i remembered. he came in once before with a shopping list and a letter from his mistress. she had instructions for me to pick some things out for her to use on him, her slave. that day was fun. i made him put on heels and walk around the store while i picked out some various items. an open-mouth gag, 10-inch dildo, whip, and i made him buy the shoes. anyway, this was the same guy and when he walked in i asked him, "how did all of that work out?" he looked confused at first and asked what i was talking about. i said, "your mistress...the shoes. how's that going?" he said, "i'm surprised you remember me. she moved on, though. she wanted something else." i definitely make the mistake of seeming more interested than i actually am in other people's lives...that combined with the fact that i'm super nice to almost everyone i meet is probably why i have such good stories. i'm amazed by some of the things people just open up to me about that i hardly know...and i don't mean just at the porn shop. but that could be an entire blog of its own. so back to the pipsqueak. he walked around for a couple minutes and then came up to me at the counter:
(imagine a scrawny, softspoken, mid-20s guy shaking like a leaf)
ps: what should i call you
me: miss
ps: miss, would you ever want to have someone of your own?
me: what do you mean?
ps: would you like me to be your slave?
me: i'd have to think about that
ps: i will do whatever you want. you know like those things you picked out for me last time? i don't want you to sleep with me. i would just want you to use those things on me and make me do whatever you feel like. you could make me walk around in public dressed however you want.
me: i don't know about that. it seems like it would be fun to boss someone around and humiliate them but i'm not sure i want to get into all that.
ps: i'm sorry for speaking, miss.
i just nodded and let him keep looking around the store. after a few minute he brought up a pair of shorts and asked me, "miss, do you think i should buy something like these?" i looked up at him and decided to have fun with all of it....i walked over to the wall and picked up a skirt with an open back and said "you need to wear something more like this." i held it out and told him to take it from me. he walked up, head down, "yes, miss." then i said to him, "now you're going to buy this and it's time for you to leave." when i rang him up he asked me for my name. i told him that wasn't for him to know.
__________________________________________
so that was monday. today was wednesday. i never work nights but sometimes i wish i did. a few reasons why:
a lady looking like beetlejuice came in to get a dildo for her strap-on that her girlfriend's husband bought them for valentine's day.
later, another woman told me about how she and her friend are the two biggest freaks she knows and one time her friend got a butt plug with a suction cup, stuck it in her bathtub, got on it and when she tried to stand up couldn't.
the background on the first guy who came in is as follows:
about two and a half months ago, a guy came into the store and lurked the shoes for a little while. he looked like an average dude: about 6 foot, short hair, glasses, polo, good teeth. i walked up to him and asked him if he needed help and at first he said no...i made small talk with him and apparently i made him feel pretty comfortable because soon after, he let me know what was up. he was going to a party with his wife that a bunch of their friends were throwing. it was a costume party (with a twist). everyone going drew names of famous people from the past that they were supposed to dress up as...but he and his wife got the wild card which meant not only did they have to dress up but they had to reverse roles so he was the female and she was the male. he had come in to buy shoes and hoped we had his size. we did. he bought some black, patent leather pumps. while i was ringing him up, he shared with me his anxiety about how it would go over. he had never worn women's shoes before and felt embarrassed to even ask. i told him nothing phased me and if his wife seemed cool with the idea, she probably wouldn't have an issue with it once it came time for him to get dressed up...and who knows, she might be into it. he still seemed pretty nervous about the whole thing when he left but i had a good feeling. which turned out to be correct. the next time i saw him, he told me i was right and that not only did the costume go over well at the party, but wifey was into it at home. and he didn't mind the heels all that much. in fact, he'd like to buy more. i hoooked him up with a different pair of heels and since then i've seen him on a pretty regular basis...each time, he tries on and/or buys a new pair of shoes. i saw him just after valentine's day and he started asking about lingerie. would we have anything that might fit him, do i think it's weird, do i get many men shopping for themselves, etc. i told him part of the story about the man who called on v-day weekend and gave me the spending limit...i didn't tell him exactly what i picked out but gave him just enough to make him feel comfortable talking about it. since he was just entertaining his curiosity, i sold him a pair of fishnet thigh highs. white. told him they'd make his legs look great and would look good with the shoes he already had. **which, by the way, he wears while vacuuming**
when he came in on monday, i learned that he stopped in friday morning but when i wasn't there decided to leave...."i didn't feel like i could be as open with the other girl in here. something about you, i can just talk to you about all of this and i don't feel like i'm offending you or you have any problem with it" is what he said to me. even if what he's into might seem weird to most people, it makes me feel good to know that i make him feel comfortable enough to be honest so that was pretty rad anyway. it gets better. he wanted to try on some boots but since there was another person in the store, i let him use the fitting room for privacy. they didn't fit and no he didn't cum all over the walls. instead, he brought the box back up to me, boots packed neatly inside and waited for the other guy to leave. i told him it was good to see him and asked how all of the dressing up was going at home. then he hit me with this, "it's so much fun. you were right. we both really like it. i think she might like it more than me. i wanted to show you something, though." just then, he unzipped his jacket and revealed a black satin corset with lace trim. dude had a huge shit-eating grin across his face. i was stoked. i said, "oh hey you did it! niiiiice...how does it feel? you into it?" he said, "i really like it. i know last time i was in here i said i wasn't sure if i'd ever be willing to go out in public like this but i figured you'd get a kick out of it." when i asked him how the fishnets worked out he said, "oh hey, look at this," pulled up his pant leg, and showed me that he was wearing those, too! he left without buying anything but said he'd be back. and i know he will.
a couple hours later, i was doing something in the front window and saw a short, skinny guy walking up to the door. he looked familiar and when i saw his face i remembered. he came in once before with a shopping list and a letter from his mistress. she had instructions for me to pick some things out for her to use on him, her slave. that day was fun. i made him put on heels and walk around the store while i picked out some various items. an open-mouth gag, 10-inch dildo, whip, and i made him buy the shoes. anyway, this was the same guy and when he walked in i asked him, "how did all of that work out?" he looked confused at first and asked what i was talking about. i said, "your mistress...the shoes. how's that going?" he said, "i'm surprised you remember me. she moved on, though. she wanted something else." i definitely make the mistake of seeming more interested than i actually am in other people's lives...that combined with the fact that i'm super nice to almost everyone i meet is probably why i have such good stories. i'm amazed by some of the things people just open up to me about that i hardly know...and i don't mean just at the porn shop. but that could be an entire blog of its own. so back to the pipsqueak. he walked around for a couple minutes and then came up to me at the counter:
(imagine a scrawny, softspoken, mid-20s guy shaking like a leaf)
ps: what should i call you
me: miss
ps: miss, would you ever want to have someone of your own?
me: what do you mean?
ps: would you like me to be your slave?
me: i'd have to think about that
ps: i will do whatever you want. you know like those things you picked out for me last time? i don't want you to sleep with me. i would just want you to use those things on me and make me do whatever you feel like. you could make me walk around in public dressed however you want.
me: i don't know about that. it seems like it would be fun to boss someone around and humiliate them but i'm not sure i want to get into all that.
ps: i'm sorry for speaking, miss.
i just nodded and let him keep looking around the store. after a few minute he brought up a pair of shorts and asked me, "miss, do you think i should buy something like these?" i looked up at him and decided to have fun with all of it....i walked over to the wall and picked up a skirt with an open back and said "you need to wear something more like this." i held it out and told him to take it from me. he walked up, head down, "yes, miss." then i said to him, "now you're going to buy this and it's time for you to leave." when i rang him up he asked me for my name. i told him that wasn't for him to know.
__________________________________________
so that was monday. today was wednesday. i never work nights but sometimes i wish i did. a few reasons why:
a lady looking like beetlejuice came in to get a dildo for her strap-on that her girlfriend's husband bought them for valentine's day.
later, another woman told me about how she and her friend are the two biggest freaks she knows and one time her friend got a butt plug with a suction cup, stuck it in her bathtub, got on it and when she tried to stand up couldn't.
2.16.2010
valentine's day part two: the few, the weird
saturday we got SLAMMED. so many people everywhere. i was stressed out as usual. it was so chaotic, i didn't get to spend too much quality time with any one person but i did manage to jot some notes down.
SATURDAY
early afternoon: man walks in. full on biker. beard, vest, boots. kenny g t-shirt under the vest?
around 6pm: super butch lesbian brings a massage wand over to me and asks "do y'all got any bigger condoms than them ones over there? i need something to cover the whole top of this thing 'cause my baby downpour"
9:30pm: an old man walks in. he looked like he had to have been in his 70s. he defined "shriveled." deepest wrinkles, red circles around his eyes, thin white hair...probably a layer of dust. walking dead.
anyway he walks in, smiles at me, and heads straight back to the porn. big surprise: VHS. it didn't take him long to browse the 14-title section and pick one. while i was ringing him up he said "this is better than drinking you know. i don't get into much trouble with this. i used to drink. i must have had too much one time because some fellas beat me up. and they didn't do it the nice way. there were a whole lot of them. i went to aa you know. they've got a whole bunch of those groups now. AA, NA, they even have SA...for people who want to have sex all the time. and gambling, too." at this point, i didn't even care to get into it. this guy made me so uncomfortable in the strangest way. i just wanted him to leave. it could have been the ten other people in the store were distracting me..or maybe i was just worried that he would die mid-convo and then i'd have to deal with that. i walked out from behind the counter toward the door so he'd follow me and get the hint. before he left, he leaned in and asked me "say do you have the addresses of some of those clubs?" i assumed he meant strip clubs so i gave him a paper with a ton of ads and said "you can find a lot of those in here. you thinking about gettin into some trouble tonight?" he responded "oh i might. i've been a little too stiff lately." to which i replied, "there's no such thing as too stiff" and laughed. a man standing within earshot looked over his shoulder to me and gave an uncomfortable smile. then skeletor left.
11:30pm: the night was winding down. i brought out the mop and straightened everything so i'd be able to lock the doors at midnight and get home as soon as possible. of course, a couple walked in at 11:45 with no idea what they wanted. cool. the female apologized and said they wouldn't be long. i was annoyed but just kept cleaning and hoped for the best. they managed to mess something up in every section of the store in ten minutes but at least they bought something. she was boring, her guy was obnoxious. this is what he said to her, in front of me, across the store, as i rang them up:
"i'm gonna tie you to the wall and fuck you in the puss." goodnight.
SUNDAY
i got to work a few hours with another girl which was a relief because the day started out painfully slow. two great things happened in that short time.
3:30/3:45-ish: a worn out stripper who kind of resembled brittany murphy if she had 3-inch long dark roots on her fried, bleached hair and an oversized labret stud walked in with her nu-metal boyfriend. they didn't need any help but we stood by and listened since at that time of day, they were the only two people in the store. this was their conversation.
brittany: do you want to look anymore?
bf: no. i'd rather spend my money on beer.
brittany: yeah me too. let's go.
fast forward about one minute to them standing at the counter being rung up.
brittany: [grabs a book of sex positions] i had sex in a chair once. it was interesting. well, it was in a mental institution slash couch.
bf: *crickets*
?!?
5:30pm: this last guy had perfect timing since i was off at 6. i looked up from my paperwork and saw someone smile at me. i recognized him from being in the store once before. that time we had a pretty in-depth discussion on porn, the avn awards, vegas, and how he'd like to go but doesn't think he could control himself. he was fishing for some invites on sex parties--we get a lot of them in the store...the guys who think that because we work at a porn shop we have an in on all kinds of orgies and sex for sale. we don't.
ok this guy...he picks up a penis extension...a white one. he's black. and we do have a black one in stock..picks it up and says "i think i might get this. don't you think that would be so funny if i put this on?" i look up to answer his question and get a nice bonus. i see that he is wearing sweatpants. oh and he clearly has no underwear on. and even better....HUGE BONER! i answer him "yeah, i guess" with a straight face and when he turns to put the item back, look over at my assistant, wide-eyed mouthing "OH MY GOD SWEATPANTS BONER." then i have her follow me over to a rack of lingerie so we can assess the situation. as soon as i start telling her about how he had gotten kind of weird with me the first time he came in, she signals that he's coming up behind me. i turn around and make eye contact with him. in his hand, he's holding two pairs of silk boxers. one red, the other black. he asks our opinion while holding each pair in front of himself, switching back and forth. he got us good. there was no way to help him without looking at his still raging boner. with all of two feet between us, i made out a distinct outline of the head and there was definitely a vein present. actually, it looked like he might have been wearing a cock ring....he asked if he could try the boxers on. i told him no. he said he'd be back with his girlfriend later. that was the end of my interaction with him. before i left, i was informed that he had one more question for my co-worker regarding the extension: "can i put this on when i'm limp?"
happy valentine's day, indeed.
SATURDAY
early afternoon: man walks in. full on biker. beard, vest, boots. kenny g t-shirt under the vest?
around 6pm: super butch lesbian brings a massage wand over to me and asks "do y'all got any bigger condoms than them ones over there? i need something to cover the whole top of this thing 'cause my baby downpour"
9:30pm: an old man walks in. he looked like he had to have been in his 70s. he defined "shriveled." deepest wrinkles, red circles around his eyes, thin white hair...probably a layer of dust. walking dead.
anyway he walks in, smiles at me, and heads straight back to the porn. big surprise: VHS. it didn't take him long to browse the 14-title section and pick one. while i was ringing him up he said "this is better than drinking you know. i don't get into much trouble with this. i used to drink. i must have had too much one time because some fellas beat me up. and they didn't do it the nice way. there were a whole lot of them. i went to aa you know. they've got a whole bunch of those groups now. AA, NA, they even have SA...for people who want to have sex all the time. and gambling, too." at this point, i didn't even care to get into it. this guy made me so uncomfortable in the strangest way. i just wanted him to leave. it could have been the ten other people in the store were distracting me..or maybe i was just worried that he would die mid-convo and then i'd have to deal with that. i walked out from behind the counter toward the door so he'd follow me and get the hint. before he left, he leaned in and asked me "say do you have the addresses of some of those clubs?" i assumed he meant strip clubs so i gave him a paper with a ton of ads and said "you can find a lot of those in here. you thinking about gettin into some trouble tonight?" he responded "oh i might. i've been a little too stiff lately." to which i replied, "there's no such thing as too stiff" and laughed. a man standing within earshot looked over his shoulder to me and gave an uncomfortable smile. then skeletor left.
11:30pm: the night was winding down. i brought out the mop and straightened everything so i'd be able to lock the doors at midnight and get home as soon as possible. of course, a couple walked in at 11:45 with no idea what they wanted. cool. the female apologized and said they wouldn't be long. i was annoyed but just kept cleaning and hoped for the best. they managed to mess something up in every section of the store in ten minutes but at least they bought something. she was boring, her guy was obnoxious. this is what he said to her, in front of me, across the store, as i rang them up:
"i'm gonna tie you to the wall and fuck you in the puss." goodnight.
SUNDAY
i got to work a few hours with another girl which was a relief because the day started out painfully slow. two great things happened in that short time.
3:30/3:45-ish: a worn out stripper who kind of resembled brittany murphy if she had 3-inch long dark roots on her fried, bleached hair and an oversized labret stud walked in with her nu-metal boyfriend. they didn't need any help but we stood by and listened since at that time of day, they were the only two people in the store. this was their conversation.
brittany: do you want to look anymore?
bf: no. i'd rather spend my money on beer.
brittany: yeah me too. let's go.
fast forward about one minute to them standing at the counter being rung up.
brittany: [grabs a book of sex positions] i had sex in a chair once. it was interesting. well, it was in a mental institution slash couch.
bf: *crickets*
?!?
5:30pm: this last guy had perfect timing since i was off at 6. i looked up from my paperwork and saw someone smile at me. i recognized him from being in the store once before. that time we had a pretty in-depth discussion on porn, the avn awards, vegas, and how he'd like to go but doesn't think he could control himself. he was fishing for some invites on sex parties--we get a lot of them in the store...the guys who think that because we work at a porn shop we have an in on all kinds of orgies and sex for sale. we don't.
ok this guy...he picks up a penis extension...a white one. he's black. and we do have a black one in stock..picks it up and says "i think i might get this. don't you think that would be so funny if i put this on?" i look up to answer his question and get a nice bonus. i see that he is wearing sweatpants. oh and he clearly has no underwear on. and even better....HUGE BONER! i answer him "yeah, i guess" with a straight face and when he turns to put the item back, look over at my assistant, wide-eyed mouthing "OH MY GOD SWEATPANTS BONER." then i have her follow me over to a rack of lingerie so we can assess the situation. as soon as i start telling her about how he had gotten kind of weird with me the first time he came in, she signals that he's coming up behind me. i turn around and make eye contact with him. in his hand, he's holding two pairs of silk boxers. one red, the other black. he asks our opinion while holding each pair in front of himself, switching back and forth. he got us good. there was no way to help him without looking at his still raging boner. with all of two feet between us, i made out a distinct outline of the head and there was definitely a vein present. actually, it looked like he might have been wearing a cock ring....he asked if he could try the boxers on. i told him no. he said he'd be back with his girlfriend later. that was the end of my interaction with him. before i left, i was informed that he had one more question for my co-worker regarding the extension: "can i put this on when i'm limp?"
happy valentine's day, indeed.
2.13.2010
secret shopper
valentine's day. it's the busiest time of year at the store so i was looking forward to what kind of people would be coming in. today was sort of a letdown to be honest. nothing really interesting happened. mostly women coming in and looking for lingerie. BORING. i did, however, overhear a woman wearing a scrunchie and sweatshirt say "i've never been surrounded by so much cock in my life."
we didn't even get any prank calls. i answered the phone from the stockroom at one point and was so glad that i did. on the other end was a man. he told me "for valentine's day, the wife and i are going all out. we're going to switch roles where she's the husband and i'm the wife. i'm calling to see if you'd be willing to help me out with this. i've got a $200 limit and everything needs to be a surprise. i was wondering if you would pick out some lingerie for me to wear, something she--as my husband--would like to see me in. i'm about 6' 200 lbs. do you have a size that would work for me?" i confirm and he continues..."i also want for you to pick out some toys and things for her to use on me. whatever you like, we're both VERY open-minded. neither of us will see what you've picked for us until sunday so it'll be a complete surprise. i want you to put everything in a bag so i can't see, then just tell me how much it all costs and i'll pay you. i hope this is alright to ask. can help me with this?" i respond, "not a problem. i think it sounds fun. when are you coming in?" he tells me he's got some errands to run and asks my name. "sara." then i hang up. STOKED.
after i finished what i was doing in the back, i made my way to the sales floor and started looking around. i already knew what outfit he'd be wearing, just hoped we had the right size. we did. it was perfect. a red, lace, open-bust, crotchless teddy. and thigh highs to match. so trashy and so good. on to the toy department....
if my experience has taught me one thing, it's that when a man comes into the store and says he's "open-minded" it means he doesn't mind something going in his ass. with that in mind, here's what i picked out:
restraints
nipple clamps
cock ring
studded spade
ball gag
strap-on
and, of course, some lube. when i showed my co-worker the loot she said "god, what is with you wanting this guy to be dominated right now?"
i laughed and told her, "i don't know but i really love the idea of making him into a total bitch."
the only thing left to do now was wait and see if he would actually show up. (people call all the time and ask for things that they never come to buy)...i had a good feeling about this one, though. mostly because he was so specific. i wanted to know what he looked like. who was he?
a few hours later, a man walked in the door and i had a feeling he was my guy. he came up to me and asked if i was sara. nice job, intuition. dude couldn't have looked more "normal." he looked like someone you'd see on a golf course. late 40s/early 50s, gray hair parted on the side, nice teeth, pullover jacket, khakis...you know the type. he said to me, "so how much time will you need?" when i told him i already picked everything out, he smiled. then he added, "this is really exciting for both of us...we're switching roles and neither of us will know what we'll be doing until sunday. and you're this third person who's making all of this happen who we don't know so that adds to the excitement. i'll be back in 15 minutes so you can make sure you've got everything together. and remember, $200. thanks again." then he left.
returned 15 minutes later, paid the $196, smiled, and thanked me. i wonder if he'll call or come back to tell me how it went.
i never even got his name.
we didn't even get any prank calls. i answered the phone from the stockroom at one point and was so glad that i did. on the other end was a man. he told me "for valentine's day, the wife and i are going all out. we're going to switch roles where she's the husband and i'm the wife. i'm calling to see if you'd be willing to help me out with this. i've got a $200 limit and everything needs to be a surprise. i was wondering if you would pick out some lingerie for me to wear, something she--as my husband--would like to see me in. i'm about 6' 200 lbs. do you have a size that would work for me?" i confirm and he continues..."i also want for you to pick out some toys and things for her to use on me. whatever you like, we're both VERY open-minded. neither of us will see what you've picked for us until sunday so it'll be a complete surprise. i want you to put everything in a bag so i can't see, then just tell me how much it all costs and i'll pay you. i hope this is alright to ask. can help me with this?" i respond, "not a problem. i think it sounds fun. when are you coming in?" he tells me he's got some errands to run and asks my name. "sara." then i hang up. STOKED.
after i finished what i was doing in the back, i made my way to the sales floor and started looking around. i already knew what outfit he'd be wearing, just hoped we had the right size. we did. it was perfect. a red, lace, open-bust, crotchless teddy. and thigh highs to match. so trashy and so good. on to the toy department....
if my experience has taught me one thing, it's that when a man comes into the store and says he's "open-minded" it means he doesn't mind something going in his ass. with that in mind, here's what i picked out:
restraints
nipple clamps
cock ring
studded spade
ball gag
strap-on
and, of course, some lube. when i showed my co-worker the loot she said "god, what is with you wanting this guy to be dominated right now?"
i laughed and told her, "i don't know but i really love the idea of making him into a total bitch."
the only thing left to do now was wait and see if he would actually show up. (people call all the time and ask for things that they never come to buy)...i had a good feeling about this one, though. mostly because he was so specific. i wanted to know what he looked like. who was he?
a few hours later, a man walked in the door and i had a feeling he was my guy. he came up to me and asked if i was sara. nice job, intuition. dude couldn't have looked more "normal." he looked like someone you'd see on a golf course. late 40s/early 50s, gray hair parted on the side, nice teeth, pullover jacket, khakis...you know the type. he said to me, "so how much time will you need?" when i told him i already picked everything out, he smiled. then he added, "this is really exciting for both of us...we're switching roles and neither of us will know what we'll be doing until sunday. and you're this third person who's making all of this happen who we don't know so that adds to the excitement. i'll be back in 15 minutes so you can make sure you've got everything together. and remember, $200. thanks again." then he left.
returned 15 minutes later, paid the $196, smiled, and thanked me. i wonder if he'll call or come back to tell me how it went.
i never even got his name.
2.10.2010
so you like to watch?
i was worried that writing about work would jinx me somehow and nothing interesting would ever happen again. guess i was wrong. i should have known today was going to be awesome when right after i got there, i had a surprise visitor from corporate show up ready to put me to work.
first thing that had to be done was to change some fluorescent lights. i hate it...those stupid long bulbs are such a pain to fit in the fixture and half of the ballasts are sketchy and i know one of these days i'll be electrocuted. at least boss lady was there to help out. this is my luck: changing the first bulb and as soon as it makes contact there's a loud POP and a spark and half of the lights go out in the store. perfect. i check the circuit breaker and no luck. call the handyman and he'll be on his way in a few hours. the lighting gave the store a whole new creepy, low-life feel. i was into it. my boss, not so much. but we dealt.
around one or so, one of my regulars came in. he's not a regular customer so much as a regular loiterer/creep and usually i'm annoyed by him when he walks in but today i was pumped. the scenario played out like this:
right off the bat, dude was lookin good. sloppy mess as usual. this guy looks like santa with his white beard, huge gut, glasses, and suspenders. the rest of his look is less childhood fantasy, more night terror. his white, shaggy hair covered most of his face which is probably a good thing since his skin looks like a topographical map on red paper covered in vaseline. he must party. a sour smell surrounds him all the time but today he smelled especially ripe. (must have been sweating underneath his winter coat)
i apologize to him for the lights being so dim and he says, "good thing i brought my own" and proceeds to pull a flashlight out of his pocket. i thought he was joking until he turned it on and started scanning the merchandise. not that he needed it. he comes in so often i'm sure he could navigate his way through the store blindfolded. as per usual, he makes his way to the pumps to check out the selection. when he sees we have the same ones as always, he moves on to the discount rack and picks this up:
yeah, a basketball-themed penis pump. he comes over to the counter where i'm standing with my superior and i ask him "is this one more like the clear one you were asking me about?" (he's been coming in asking about a clear pump at least twice a month since i started this job) he says, "yep it's almost like that one. i want to see what it looks like." i take it out of the package for him and he asks me how the release valve works so i show him and then he says to my boss and i "it's the only way to exercise your penis, you know. [awkward pause] my urologist told me that. this one might do the trick but you still can't see your anatomy with it." i couldn't help myself..."oh so THAT'S why you want the clear one? so you can watch while you use it?" should have seen the look on my boss's face, she wasn't impressed. santa smiles, says he'll think about it and continues to browse--even being so kind as to shine his light on some items that another customer was looking at and offer his opinion on some pocket pussies. freaked that lady out.
he makes his way back around and decides instead of the pump, he'll take a massage kit that costs all of $7. when i ask if he needs any batteries he responds "i've got thousands at home. probably hundreds is more like it. i bought packs of 80 or 90 at a drug store after christmas time and they were marked down ninety percent because you know they want to get rid of all that stuff." i ask him when he bought them and he tells me "two years ago. i bought five of those packs." all i could imagine was this slob sitting at home wiping food on his greasy t-shirt, watching game shows, "exercising" his penis, surrounded by batteries in a very dark room.
then-out of nowhere-this is the last thing he says to me: "now i just need to get this girl i saw. i found out i might know someone who talked to someone who can tell me what her name is. if i knew where she worked and lived, i would send her flowers. and i wouldn't get them from the dollar store."
yikes.
next customer was in a rush and asked me to recommend something that would travel well. i hook him up with a small vibrator and some AAAs which he comments on "you're gonna rape me on the batteries like that?! so to speak i mean. i didn't mean..." i cut him off and say "it's cool i know what you meant. don't worry i say worse things than that all the time. so, travelling? where you going?" he replies, "oh, it's for my friend. i need something for her to remember me by." then he winked at me. i smiled and said "oh well then you might want to give her a picture to use with that." he looks me dead in the eye and says, "can't. she'll be with her husband." he laughs and winks again before leaving.
ah, love.
first thing that had to be done was to change some fluorescent lights. i hate it...those stupid long bulbs are such a pain to fit in the fixture and half of the ballasts are sketchy and i know one of these days i'll be electrocuted. at least boss lady was there to help out. this is my luck: changing the first bulb and as soon as it makes contact there's a loud POP and a spark and half of the lights go out in the store. perfect. i check the circuit breaker and no luck. call the handyman and he'll be on his way in a few hours. the lighting gave the store a whole new creepy, low-life feel. i was into it. my boss, not so much. but we dealt.
around one or so, one of my regulars came in. he's not a regular customer so much as a regular loiterer/creep and usually i'm annoyed by him when he walks in but today i was pumped. the scenario played out like this:
right off the bat, dude was lookin good. sloppy mess as usual. this guy looks like santa with his white beard, huge gut, glasses, and suspenders. the rest of his look is less childhood fantasy, more night terror. his white, shaggy hair covered most of his face which is probably a good thing since his skin looks like a topographical map on red paper covered in vaseline. he must party. a sour smell surrounds him all the time but today he smelled especially ripe. (must have been sweating underneath his winter coat)
i apologize to him for the lights being so dim and he says, "good thing i brought my own" and proceeds to pull a flashlight out of his pocket. i thought he was joking until he turned it on and started scanning the merchandise. not that he needed it. he comes in so often i'm sure he could navigate his way through the store blindfolded. as per usual, he makes his way to the pumps to check out the selection. when he sees we have the same ones as always, he moves on to the discount rack and picks this up:
yeah, a basketball-themed penis pump. he comes over to the counter where i'm standing with my superior and i ask him "is this one more like the clear one you were asking me about?" (he's been coming in asking about a clear pump at least twice a month since i started this job) he says, "yep it's almost like that one. i want to see what it looks like." i take it out of the package for him and he asks me how the release valve works so i show him and then he says to my boss and i "it's the only way to exercise your penis, you know. [awkward pause] my urologist told me that. this one might do the trick but you still can't see your anatomy with it." i couldn't help myself..."oh so THAT'S why you want the clear one? so you can watch while you use it?" should have seen the look on my boss's face, she wasn't impressed. santa smiles, says he'll think about it and continues to browse--even being so kind as to shine his light on some items that another customer was looking at and offer his opinion on some pocket pussies. freaked that lady out.he makes his way back around and decides instead of the pump, he'll take a massage kit that costs all of $7. when i ask if he needs any batteries he responds "i've got thousands at home. probably hundreds is more like it. i bought packs of 80 or 90 at a drug store after christmas time and they were marked down ninety percent because you know they want to get rid of all that stuff." i ask him when he bought them and he tells me "two years ago. i bought five of those packs." all i could imagine was this slob sitting at home wiping food on his greasy t-shirt, watching game shows, "exercising" his penis, surrounded by batteries in a very dark room.
then-out of nowhere-this is the last thing he says to me: "now i just need to get this girl i saw. i found out i might know someone who talked to someone who can tell me what her name is. if i knew where she worked and lived, i would send her flowers. and i wouldn't get them from the dollar store."
yikes.
next customer was in a rush and asked me to recommend something that would travel well. i hook him up with a small vibrator and some AAAs which he comments on "you're gonna rape me on the batteries like that?! so to speak i mean. i didn't mean..." i cut him off and say "it's cool i know what you meant. don't worry i say worse things than that all the time. so, travelling? where you going?" he replies, "oh, it's for my friend. i need something for her to remember me by." then he winked at me. i smiled and said "oh well then you might want to give her a picture to use with that." he looks me dead in the eye and says, "can't. she'll be with her husband." he laughs and winks again before leaving.
ah, love.
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