saturday we got SLAMMED. so many people everywhere. i was stressed out as usual. it was so chaotic, i didn't get to spend too much quality time with any one person but i did manage to jot some notes down.
SATURDAY
early afternoon: man walks in. full on biker. beard, vest, boots. kenny g t-shirt under the vest?
around 6pm: super butch lesbian brings a massage wand over to me and asks "do y'all got any bigger condoms than them ones over there? i need something to cover the whole top of this thing 'cause my baby downpour"
9:30pm: an old man walks in. he looked like he had to have been in his 70s. he defined "shriveled." deepest wrinkles, red circles around his eyes, thin white hair...probably a layer of dust. walking dead.
anyway he walks in, smiles at me, and heads straight back to the porn. big surprise: VHS. it didn't take him long to browse the 14-title section and pick one. while i was ringing him up he said "this is better than drinking you know. i don't get into much trouble with this. i used to drink. i must have had too much one time because some fellas beat me up. and they didn't do it the nice way. there were a whole lot of them. i went to aa you know. they've got a whole bunch of those groups now. AA, NA, they even have SA...for people who want to have sex all the time. and gambling, too." at this point, i didn't even care to get into it. this guy made me so uncomfortable in the strangest way. i just wanted him to leave. it could have been the ten other people in the store were distracting me..or maybe i was just worried that he would die mid-convo and then i'd have to deal with that. i walked out from behind the counter toward the door so he'd follow me and get the hint. before he left, he leaned in and asked me "say do you have the addresses of some of those clubs?" i assumed he meant strip clubs so i gave him a paper with a ton of ads and said "you can find a lot of those in here. you thinking about gettin into some trouble tonight?" he responded "oh i might. i've been a little too stiff lately." to which i replied, "there's no such thing as too stiff" and laughed. a man standing within earshot looked over his shoulder to me and gave an uncomfortable smile. then skeletor left.
11:30pm: the night was winding down. i brought out the mop and straightened everything so i'd be able to lock the doors at midnight and get home as soon as possible. of course, a couple walked in at 11:45 with no idea what they wanted. cool. the female apologized and said they wouldn't be long. i was annoyed but just kept cleaning and hoped for the best. they managed to mess something up in every section of the store in ten minutes but at least they bought something. she was boring, her guy was obnoxious. this is what he said to her, in front of me, across the store, as i rang them up:
"i'm gonna tie you to the wall and fuck you in the puss." goodnight.
SUNDAY
i got to work a few hours with another girl which was a relief because the day started out painfully slow. two great things happened in that short time.
3:30/3:45-ish: a worn out stripper who kind of resembled brittany murphy if she had 3-inch long dark roots on her fried, bleached hair and an oversized labret stud walked in with her nu-metal boyfriend. they didn't need any help but we stood by and listened since at that time of day, they were the only two people in the store. this was their conversation.
brittany: do you want to look anymore?
bf: no. i'd rather spend my money on beer.
brittany: yeah me too. let's go.
fast forward about one minute to them standing at the counter being rung up.
brittany: [grabs a book of sex positions] i had sex in a chair once. it was interesting. well, it was in a mental institution slash couch.
bf: *crickets*
?!?
5:30pm: this last guy had perfect timing since i was off at 6. i looked up from my paperwork and saw someone smile at me. i recognized him from being in the store once before. that time we had a pretty in-depth discussion on porn, the avn awards, vegas, and how he'd like to go but doesn't think he could control himself. he was fishing for some invites on sex parties--we get a lot of them in the store...the guys who think that because we work at a porn shop we have an in on all kinds of orgies and sex for sale. we don't.
ok this guy...he picks up a penis extension...a white one. he's black. and we do have a black one in stock..picks it up and says "i think i might get this. don't you think that would be so funny if i put this on?" i look up to answer his question and get a nice bonus. i see that he is wearing sweatpants. oh and he clearly has no underwear on. and even better....HUGE BONER! i answer him "yeah, i guess" with a straight face and when he turns to put the item back, look over at my assistant, wide-eyed mouthing "OH MY GOD SWEATPANTS BONER." then i have her follow me over to a rack of lingerie so we can assess the situation. as soon as i start telling her about how he had gotten kind of weird with me the first time he came in, she signals that he's coming up behind me. i turn around and make eye contact with him. in his hand, he's holding two pairs of silk boxers. one red, the other black. he asks our opinion while holding each pair in front of himself, switching back and forth. he got us good. there was no way to help him without looking at his still raging boner. with all of two feet between us, i made out a distinct outline of the head and there was definitely a vein present. actually, it looked like he might have been wearing a cock ring....he asked if he could try the boxers on. i told him no. he said he'd be back with his girlfriend later. that was the end of my interaction with him. before i left, i was informed that he had one more question for my co-worker regarding the extension: "can i put this on when i'm limp?"
happy valentine's day, indeed.
2.13.2010
secret shopper
valentine's day. it's the busiest time of year at the store so i was looking forward to what kind of people would be coming in. today was sort of a letdown to be honest. nothing really interesting happened. mostly women coming in and looking for lingerie. BORING. i did, however, overhear a woman wearing a scrunchie and sweatshirt say "i've never been surrounded by so much cock in my life."
we didn't even get any prank calls. i answered the phone from the stockroom at one point and was so glad that i did. on the other end was a man. he told me "for valentine's day, the wife and i are going all out. we're going to switch roles where she's the husband and i'm the wife. i'm calling to see if you'd be willing to help me out with this. i've got a $200 limit and everything needs to be a surprise. i was wondering if you would pick out some lingerie for me to wear, something she--as my husband--would like to see me in. i'm about 6' 200 lbs. do you have a size that would work for me?" i confirm and he continues..."i also want for you to pick out some toys and things for her to use on me. whatever you like, we're both VERY open-minded. neither of us will see what you've picked for us until sunday so it'll be a complete surprise. i want you to put everything in a bag so i can't see, then just tell me how much it all costs and i'll pay you. i hope this is alright to ask. can help me with this?" i respond, "not a problem. i think it sounds fun. when are you coming in?" he tells me he's got some errands to run and asks my name. "sara." then i hang up. STOKED.
after i finished what i was doing in the back, i made my way to the sales floor and started looking around. i already knew what outfit he'd be wearing, just hoped we had the right size. we did. it was perfect. a red, lace, open-bust, crotchless teddy. and thigh highs to match. so trashy and so good. on to the toy department....
if my experience has taught me one thing, it's that when a man comes into the store and says he's "open-minded" it means he doesn't mind something going in his ass. with that in mind, here's what i picked out:
restraints
nipple clamps
cock ring
studded spade
ball gag
strap-on
and, of course, some lube. when i showed my co-worker the loot she said "god, what is with you wanting this guy to be dominated right now?"
i laughed and told her, "i don't know but i really love the idea of making him into a total bitch."
the only thing left to do now was wait and see if he would actually show up. (people call all the time and ask for things that they never come to buy)...i had a good feeling about this one, though. mostly because he was so specific. i wanted to know what he looked like. who was he?
a few hours later, a man walked in the door and i had a feeling he was my guy. he came up to me and asked if i was sara. nice job, intuition. dude couldn't have looked more "normal." he looked like someone you'd see on a golf course. late 40s/early 50s, gray hair parted on the side, nice teeth, pullover jacket, khakis...you know the type. he said to me, "so how much time will you need?" when i told him i already picked everything out, he smiled. then he added, "this is really exciting for both of us...we're switching roles and neither of us will know what we'll be doing until sunday. and you're this third person who's making all of this happen who we don't know so that adds to the excitement. i'll be back in 15 minutes so you can make sure you've got everything together. and remember, $200. thanks again." then he left.
returned 15 minutes later, paid the $196, smiled, and thanked me. i wonder if he'll call or come back to tell me how it went.
i never even got his name.
we didn't even get any prank calls. i answered the phone from the stockroom at one point and was so glad that i did. on the other end was a man. he told me "for valentine's day, the wife and i are going all out. we're going to switch roles where she's the husband and i'm the wife. i'm calling to see if you'd be willing to help me out with this. i've got a $200 limit and everything needs to be a surprise. i was wondering if you would pick out some lingerie for me to wear, something she--as my husband--would like to see me in. i'm about 6' 200 lbs. do you have a size that would work for me?" i confirm and he continues..."i also want for you to pick out some toys and things for her to use on me. whatever you like, we're both VERY open-minded. neither of us will see what you've picked for us until sunday so it'll be a complete surprise. i want you to put everything in a bag so i can't see, then just tell me how much it all costs and i'll pay you. i hope this is alright to ask. can help me with this?" i respond, "not a problem. i think it sounds fun. when are you coming in?" he tells me he's got some errands to run and asks my name. "sara." then i hang up. STOKED.
after i finished what i was doing in the back, i made my way to the sales floor and started looking around. i already knew what outfit he'd be wearing, just hoped we had the right size. we did. it was perfect. a red, lace, open-bust, crotchless teddy. and thigh highs to match. so trashy and so good. on to the toy department....
if my experience has taught me one thing, it's that when a man comes into the store and says he's "open-minded" it means he doesn't mind something going in his ass. with that in mind, here's what i picked out:
restraints
nipple clamps
cock ring
studded spade
ball gag
strap-on
and, of course, some lube. when i showed my co-worker the loot she said "god, what is with you wanting this guy to be dominated right now?"
i laughed and told her, "i don't know but i really love the idea of making him into a total bitch."
the only thing left to do now was wait and see if he would actually show up. (people call all the time and ask for things that they never come to buy)...i had a good feeling about this one, though. mostly because he was so specific. i wanted to know what he looked like. who was he?
a few hours later, a man walked in the door and i had a feeling he was my guy. he came up to me and asked if i was sara. nice job, intuition. dude couldn't have looked more "normal." he looked like someone you'd see on a golf course. late 40s/early 50s, gray hair parted on the side, nice teeth, pullover jacket, khakis...you know the type. he said to me, "so how much time will you need?" when i told him i already picked everything out, he smiled. then he added, "this is really exciting for both of us...we're switching roles and neither of us will know what we'll be doing until sunday. and you're this third person who's making all of this happen who we don't know so that adds to the excitement. i'll be back in 15 minutes so you can make sure you've got everything together. and remember, $200. thanks again." then he left.
returned 15 minutes later, paid the $196, smiled, and thanked me. i wonder if he'll call or come back to tell me how it went.
i never even got his name.
2.10.2010
so you like to watch?
i was worried that writing about work would jinx me somehow and nothing interesting would ever happen again. guess i was wrong. i should have known today was going to be awesome when right after i got there, i had a surprise visitor from corporate show up ready to put me to work.
first thing that had to be done was to change some fluorescent lights. i hate it...those stupid long bulbs are such a pain to fit in the fixture and half of the ballasts are sketchy and i know one of these days i'll be electrocuted. at least boss lady was there to help out. this is my luck: changing the first bulb and as soon as it makes contact there's a loud POP and a spark and half of the lights go out in the store. perfect. i check the circuit breaker and no luck. call the handyman and he'll be on his way in a few hours. the lighting gave the store a whole new creepy, low-life feel. i was into it. my boss, not so much. but we dealt.
around one or so, one of my regulars came in. he's not a regular customer so much as a regular loiterer/creep and usually i'm annoyed by him when he walks in but today i was pumped. the scenario played out like this:
right off the bat, dude was lookin good. sloppy mess as usual. this guy looks like santa with his white beard, huge gut, glasses, and suspenders. the rest of his look is less childhood fantasy, more night terror. his white, shaggy hair covered most of his face which is probably a good thing since his skin looks like a topographical map on red paper covered in vaseline. he must party. a sour smell surrounds him all the time but today he smelled especially ripe. (must have been sweating underneath his winter coat)
i apologize to him for the lights being so dim and he says, "good thing i brought my own" and proceeds to pull a flashlight out of his pocket. i thought he was joking until he turned it on and started scanning the merchandise. not that he needed it. he comes in so often i'm sure he could navigate his way through the store blindfolded. as per usual, he makes his way to the pumps to check out the selection. when he sees we have the same ones as always, he moves on to the discount rack and picks this up:
yeah, a basketball-themed penis pump. he comes over to the counter where i'm standing with my superior and i ask him "is this one more like the clear one you were asking me about?" (he's been coming in asking about a clear pump at least twice a month since i started this job) he says, "yep it's almost like that one. i want to see what it looks like." i take it out of the package for him and he asks me how the release valve works so i show him and then he says to my boss and i "it's the only way to exercise your penis, you know. [awkward pause] my urologist told me that. this one might do the trick but you still can't see your anatomy with it." i couldn't help myself..."oh so THAT'S why you want the clear one? so you can watch while you use it?" should have seen the look on my boss's face, she wasn't impressed. santa smiles, says he'll think about it and continues to browse--even being so kind as to shine his light on some items that another customer was looking at and offer his opinion on some pocket pussies. freaked that lady out.
he makes his way back around and decides instead of the pump, he'll take a massage kit that costs all of $7. when i ask if he needs any batteries he responds "i've got thousands at home. probably hundreds is more like it. i bought packs of 80 or 90 at a drug store after christmas time and they were marked down ninety percent because you know they want to get rid of all that stuff." i ask him when he bought them and he tells me "two years ago. i bought five of those packs." all i could imagine was this slob sitting at home wiping food on his greasy t-shirt, watching game shows, "exercising" his penis, surrounded by batteries in a very dark room.
then-out of nowhere-this is the last thing he says to me: "now i just need to get this girl i saw. i found out i might know someone who talked to someone who can tell me what her name is. if i knew where she worked and lived, i would send her flowers. and i wouldn't get them from the dollar store."
yikes.
next customer was in a rush and asked me to recommend something that would travel well. i hook him up with a small vibrator and some AAAs which he comments on "you're gonna rape me on the batteries like that?! so to speak i mean. i didn't mean..." i cut him off and say "it's cool i know what you meant. don't worry i say worse things than that all the time. so, travelling? where you going?" he replies, "oh, it's for my friend. i need something for her to remember me by." then he winked at me. i smiled and said "oh well then you might want to give her a picture to use with that." he looks me dead in the eye and says, "can't. she'll be with her husband." he laughs and winks again before leaving.
ah, love.
first thing that had to be done was to change some fluorescent lights. i hate it...those stupid long bulbs are such a pain to fit in the fixture and half of the ballasts are sketchy and i know one of these days i'll be electrocuted. at least boss lady was there to help out. this is my luck: changing the first bulb and as soon as it makes contact there's a loud POP and a spark and half of the lights go out in the store. perfect. i check the circuit breaker and no luck. call the handyman and he'll be on his way in a few hours. the lighting gave the store a whole new creepy, low-life feel. i was into it. my boss, not so much. but we dealt.
around one or so, one of my regulars came in. he's not a regular customer so much as a regular loiterer/creep and usually i'm annoyed by him when he walks in but today i was pumped. the scenario played out like this:
right off the bat, dude was lookin good. sloppy mess as usual. this guy looks like santa with his white beard, huge gut, glasses, and suspenders. the rest of his look is less childhood fantasy, more night terror. his white, shaggy hair covered most of his face which is probably a good thing since his skin looks like a topographical map on red paper covered in vaseline. he must party. a sour smell surrounds him all the time but today he smelled especially ripe. (must have been sweating underneath his winter coat)
i apologize to him for the lights being so dim and he says, "good thing i brought my own" and proceeds to pull a flashlight out of his pocket. i thought he was joking until he turned it on and started scanning the merchandise. not that he needed it. he comes in so often i'm sure he could navigate his way through the store blindfolded. as per usual, he makes his way to the pumps to check out the selection. when he sees we have the same ones as always, he moves on to the discount rack and picks this up:
yeah, a basketball-themed penis pump. he comes over to the counter where i'm standing with my superior and i ask him "is this one more like the clear one you were asking me about?" (he's been coming in asking about a clear pump at least twice a month since i started this job) he says, "yep it's almost like that one. i want to see what it looks like." i take it out of the package for him and he asks me how the release valve works so i show him and then he says to my boss and i "it's the only way to exercise your penis, you know. [awkward pause] my urologist told me that. this one might do the trick but you still can't see your anatomy with it." i couldn't help myself..."oh so THAT'S why you want the clear one? so you can watch while you use it?" should have seen the look on my boss's face, she wasn't impressed. santa smiles, says he'll think about it and continues to browse--even being so kind as to shine his light on some items that another customer was looking at and offer his opinion on some pocket pussies. freaked that lady out.he makes his way back around and decides instead of the pump, he'll take a massage kit that costs all of $7. when i ask if he needs any batteries he responds "i've got thousands at home. probably hundreds is more like it. i bought packs of 80 or 90 at a drug store after christmas time and they were marked down ninety percent because you know they want to get rid of all that stuff." i ask him when he bought them and he tells me "two years ago. i bought five of those packs." all i could imagine was this slob sitting at home wiping food on his greasy t-shirt, watching game shows, "exercising" his penis, surrounded by batteries in a very dark room.
then-out of nowhere-this is the last thing he says to me: "now i just need to get this girl i saw. i found out i might know someone who talked to someone who can tell me what her name is. if i knew where she worked and lived, i would send her flowers. and i wouldn't get them from the dollar store."
yikes.
next customer was in a rush and asked me to recommend something that would travel well. i hook him up with a small vibrator and some AAAs which he comments on "you're gonna rape me on the batteries like that?! so to speak i mean. i didn't mean..." i cut him off and say "it's cool i know what you meant. don't worry i say worse things than that all the time. so, travelling? where you going?" he replies, "oh, it's for my friend. i need something for her to remember me by." then he winked at me. i smiled and said "oh well then you might want to give her a picture to use with that." he looks me dead in the eye and says, "can't. she'll be with her husband." he laughs and winks again before leaving.
ah, love.
2.09.2010
the fire down below
the rest of the entries on here will be current but it took me a while to sit down and actually start this thing up so just deal with it
2.05.10
there was a woman in the store browsing porn with no need for my assistance. and i was soon to be stoked on that.
i'm standing behind the counter getting some orders together and the door opens. i hear the chime and look up. from behind the counter i could only see that the person who walked in was about 50 years old, white male. had a gray combover and was wearing thin wire-framed glasses, a red members only jacket, and a black ribbed sweater with a zipper in front. he smiled politely and seemed really excited to be at the store. he asked me where the bondage supplies were and i stepped out from behind the counter to show him. that's when i knew what time it was. this guy's bottom half definitely DID NOT match the top. dude was wearing silver hot pants over black tights. you could see the outline of his entire package...so many shadows and creases. and he was also wearing heels. black ones, patent leather, cute shoes. he walks up to me and asks about what kind of gags we have. he was looking for an open gag. "you can fuck through them" is what he says to me in a heavy accent. maybe dutch? german? goes on to say "oh i hate having to wear one but what can you do?"
i realized "what can you do" was this guy's catch phrase as the conversation went on
he asked me what happened to sarah (previous store manager). i told him she moved and i was the new sara. he said "oh she was great. you look like her, too. are you into the scene at all?" i told him i wasn't. that i thought it was interesting and have played with some people before but nothing public. he shared some interesting information with me about my predecessor. like the time that he came into the store wearing a short skirt for her and she made him go out to his car, shackle his legs together, put on a ball gag, put in a butt plug, collar and leash, nipple clamps, then come back into the store. !@#% i didn't know what to say, didn't need a response because the woman who had been in the store was finally ready to pay so i stepped away to ring her up.
she acted completely normal despite this guy's attire. i respected her for that. i always worry when someone dressed up comes in that another customer will harass them or say something about it to me. that's the type of thing that makes me uncomfortable. cross dressers, that's my shit. quality people. love them.
alone at last. that was when he let me in on some good stuff. he told me three stories. oh, he's a sub in case anyone who reads this is wondering/looking for a slave.
first story was about a mistress he had who would make him dress as a woman and go out in public to humiliate him. he told me about a time that she made him wear a wig, do his makeup really heavy, wear some heels, and a hot pink tube dress along with a collar and leash. and she took him to a mall. he wasn't allowed to wear anything under the dress but he said "she let me carry my purse in front of me and cover my erection with it."
second story was somewhat similar only she made him go into the men's room (which had several people in it) and use the urinal while dressed as "you know, slut" <--the way he said that killed me with his accent
third and final story would be hard to believe if i had just read about it somewhere but the feeling i got from this guy convinced me it was almost normal for him. apparently, he travels a lot and spends most of his time in europe.
"there's this one woman who is a professional and she's really heavy into the scene over there. she's from germany but i've seen her all over. i've met her in hungary before. i went to a party in berlin this one time and she was there. and she ended up taking me home with her. when we got there she had me all done up. stripped totally naked, ball gag, ankles cuffed and i was on my knees so those cuffs were connected to the ones on my wrists behind my back, butt plug in, nipple clamps. she left me in her living room like that and then she came in all dressed up. leather and chains. perfect. she beat me for a little while and called me names and then she blindfolded me and i was alone in this room for about twenty-five minutes. she had gone to get her two daughters who she had trained into the scene. (whispered this next sentence) i know that one of them was probably about 14 and the other one 16 but what can you do. you've got to do it. those two girls though...you would not know how old they were with how well they were trained. they were beating me, making me crawl around on my knees, had me licking boots...."
my only response was "wow, that's one of the craziest things i've ever heard"
then some other girls walked into the store and he said "well, maybe you could check out some parties or something and see if you like it. i'm going to leave you now i've loved chatting with you."
one of the girls who walked in said something to him about needing to put clothes on and the other paid for a stripper pole with $100 in singles.
2.05.10
there was a woman in the store browsing porn with no need for my assistance. and i was soon to be stoked on that.
i'm standing behind the counter getting some orders together and the door opens. i hear the chime and look up. from behind the counter i could only see that the person who walked in was about 50 years old, white male. had a gray combover and was wearing thin wire-framed glasses, a red members only jacket, and a black ribbed sweater with a zipper in front. he smiled politely and seemed really excited to be at the store. he asked me where the bondage supplies were and i stepped out from behind the counter to show him. that's when i knew what time it was. this guy's bottom half definitely DID NOT match the top. dude was wearing silver hot pants over black tights. you could see the outline of his entire package...so many shadows and creases. and he was also wearing heels. black ones, patent leather, cute shoes. he walks up to me and asks about what kind of gags we have. he was looking for an open gag. "you can fuck through them" is what he says to me in a heavy accent. maybe dutch? german? goes on to say "oh i hate having to wear one but what can you do?"
i realized "what can you do" was this guy's catch phrase as the conversation went on
he asked me what happened to sarah (previous store manager). i told him she moved and i was the new sara. he said "oh she was great. you look like her, too. are you into the scene at all?" i told him i wasn't. that i thought it was interesting and have played with some people before but nothing public. he shared some interesting information with me about my predecessor. like the time that he came into the store wearing a short skirt for her and she made him go out to his car, shackle his legs together, put on a ball gag, put in a butt plug, collar and leash, nipple clamps, then come back into the store. !@#% i didn't know what to say, didn't need a response because the woman who had been in the store was finally ready to pay so i stepped away to ring her up.
she acted completely normal despite this guy's attire. i respected her for that. i always worry when someone dressed up comes in that another customer will harass them or say something about it to me. that's the type of thing that makes me uncomfortable. cross dressers, that's my shit. quality people. love them.
alone at last. that was when he let me in on some good stuff. he told me three stories. oh, he's a sub in case anyone who reads this is wondering/looking for a slave.
first story was about a mistress he had who would make him dress as a woman and go out in public to humiliate him. he told me about a time that she made him wear a wig, do his makeup really heavy, wear some heels, and a hot pink tube dress along with a collar and leash. and she took him to a mall. he wasn't allowed to wear anything under the dress but he said "she let me carry my purse in front of me and cover my erection with it."
second story was somewhat similar only she made him go into the men's room (which had several people in it) and use the urinal while dressed as "you know, slut" <--the way he said that killed me with his accent
third and final story would be hard to believe if i had just read about it somewhere but the feeling i got from this guy convinced me it was almost normal for him. apparently, he travels a lot and spends most of his time in europe.
"there's this one woman who is a professional and she's really heavy into the scene over there. she's from germany but i've seen her all over. i've met her in hungary before. i went to a party in berlin this one time and she was there. and she ended up taking me home with her. when we got there she had me all done up. stripped totally naked, ball gag, ankles cuffed and i was on my knees so those cuffs were connected to the ones on my wrists behind my back, butt plug in, nipple clamps. she left me in her living room like that and then she came in all dressed up. leather and chains. perfect. she beat me for a little while and called me names and then she blindfolded me and i was alone in this room for about twenty-five minutes. she had gone to get her two daughters who she had trained into the scene. (whispered this next sentence) i know that one of them was probably about 14 and the other one 16 but what can you do. you've got to do it. those two girls though...you would not know how old they were with how well they were trained. they were beating me, making me crawl around on my knees, had me licking boots...."
my only response was "wow, that's one of the craziest things i've ever heard"
then some other girls walked into the store and he said "well, maybe you could check out some parties or something and see if you like it. i'm going to leave you now i've loved chatting with you."
one of the girls who walked in said something to him about needing to put clothes on and the other paid for a stripper pole with $100 in singles.
paul walker's #whitetrash cousin
this happened on 1.21.10
typical morning at work. hardly any customers have come into the store and i'm trying to make myself look busy for whoever might be checking in on me via security cameras when a man walks in. white male, about 6', maybe 30 years old, blonde hair, blue eyes. wearing a green carhartt shirt, dirty jeans, and work boots. i ask him if he's looking for something in particular and he tells me no so i leave him be....for about 15 minutes (that's usually when i'll check up on someone to see if they're ready to tell me what they actually want). when i walked up to him he had this weird smell...i still can't put my finger on it but it reminded me of a mix of clean diapers, clove smoke, and gas. he told me he wanted something to intensify orgasms but he didn't specify male or female so i show him some topical products for both. "i tried those they didn't do what i wanted. i guess i'll just look around." i didn't get the creep vibe right away but after standing so close to him, i could feel it. this would not disappoint me.
a few minutes later, he approaches me
dude: if i tell you what i'm looking for, promise you won't laugh?
me: of course
dude: i really like sucking dick and i love when a guy cums and it splashes all over my face...do you have anything that will make it more like that?
me: [dead serious] we don't but i know they make pills that are supposed to make it spray out sort of...i don't know give guys a "bigger load"
dude: ok well at least i know they make something. can i ask you another question?"
me: sure
dude: what's the biggest dildo you have here?
me: this one.
it's twelve inches and like 2 and a half diameter.
dude: i have one like that already. probably a little thicker. i want a bigger one that i can use. can i ask you one more question?
me: what's up
dude: is it bad to do that everyday? (motions toward dildo indicating he fucks himself with it)
me: i'm not sure what you mean but as long as it's not causing problems with your body or your work or relationships i don't see why it would be.
dude: it's such a pain sometimes....being bisexual
me: ok well if you don't have anymore questions i'll leave you alone. sorry we don't have what you're looking for. (smile)
this guy walks around for ten more minutes. browsing the women's lingerie. picks up several thongs and holds them up to himself. catches me peeking* at him through an open space on the counter, thanks me, and walks out.
great guy.
* i am probably in the top 1% of creepiest people to step foot in the building
typical morning at work. hardly any customers have come into the store and i'm trying to make myself look busy for whoever might be checking in on me via security cameras when a man walks in. white male, about 6', maybe 30 years old, blonde hair, blue eyes. wearing a green carhartt shirt, dirty jeans, and work boots. i ask him if he's looking for something in particular and he tells me no so i leave him be....for about 15 minutes (that's usually when i'll check up on someone to see if they're ready to tell me what they actually want). when i walked up to him he had this weird smell...i still can't put my finger on it but it reminded me of a mix of clean diapers, clove smoke, and gas. he told me he wanted something to intensify orgasms but he didn't specify male or female so i show him some topical products for both. "i tried those they didn't do what i wanted. i guess i'll just look around." i didn't get the creep vibe right away but after standing so close to him, i could feel it. this would not disappoint me.
a few minutes later, he approaches me
dude: if i tell you what i'm looking for, promise you won't laugh?
me: of course
dude: i really like sucking dick and i love when a guy cums and it splashes all over my face...do you have anything that will make it more like that?
me: [dead serious] we don't but i know they make pills that are supposed to make it spray out sort of...i don't know give guys a "bigger load"
dude: ok well at least i know they make something. can i ask you another question?"
me: sure
dude: what's the biggest dildo you have here?
me: this one.
it's twelve inches and like 2 and a half diameter. dude: i have one like that already. probably a little thicker. i want a bigger one that i can use. can i ask you one more question?
me: what's up
dude: is it bad to do that everyday? (motions toward dildo indicating he fucks himself with it)
me: i'm not sure what you mean but as long as it's not causing problems with your body or your work or relationships i don't see why it would be.
dude: it's such a pain sometimes....being bisexual
me: ok well if you don't have anymore questions i'll leave you alone. sorry we don't have what you're looking for. (smile)
this guy walks around for ten more minutes. browsing the women's lingerie. picks up several thongs and holds them up to himself. catches me peeking* at him through an open space on the counter, thanks me, and walks out.
great guy.
* i am probably in the top 1% of creepiest people to step foot in the building
title track
working at a porn shop is interesting to say the least. i deal with people from all walks of life on a daily basis. sometimes the encounters i have are pretty boring and kind of lame. other times i find myself questioning whether or not i imagined a situation because of how ridiculous and mind-blowing it was. there have been a few times where a customer has left me feeling bummed out or even afraid....but i'd have to say 80% of my days are filled with hilarity. that's what i like LOVE about my job.
one of the most noteworthy days (i actually took down notes) involved an evangelist, flamboyant pretty boy, and a toilet. so here it is: the first experience i could not help but to write down.
1.08.2010
the beginning of the year was ROUGH for me as far as my personal life so the porn shop was my sanctuary through that time. the day before, i had gotten a lot off of my chest when i had a meeting with my boss so i had a pretty positive attitude going into work. i was dressing a window when a middle-aged, softspoken, conservative-looking guy with perfect teeth walks in (think ned flanders plus jet black hair minus yellow skin). he stood by the door to the window i was working in and that alarmed me at first since he was blocking my only exit (with the nature of the store, you can understand why that might be) anyway...he walks in, leans on the wall, stares and smiles at me for a minute then says "you're doing such a good job." i thanked him and continued hammering away but couldn't ignore that he kept looking at me so i took a break from what i was doing and made myself visible to the surveillance system. safety first! another customer walked in, made a quick purchase, and left. ned was standing off to the side, gaze still fixed upon me. when the other guy left i asked him "so do you need help with something?" his response: "i just want to talk to you and try to evangelize you" GRRREEEAAAT. he started in on me asking what such a nice person was doing working in such a terrible place and said "you're better than this." mind you, i have no idea who this guy is and all he knows about me is that i'm short, capable of using a hammer and cash register, and i speak english. i decided since i had little else to do, i'd hear this guy out even though he surely wasn't the first person to try and save me. i still always get a kick out of it. guess i'm a bad person. he used terms like "little one" and "spring chicken" when addressing me and told me all about the end of the world. he informed me that god was returning soon so i had better look at my life and make changes, said he had been studying for a LONG time and that he knew for a fact the world will indeed be ending in 2012. after listening for a while, i let him know that his message would never reach me and that he hadn't been the first to try and added "don't worry, i'm sure you won't be the last." that's when he dropped the nice guy approach and shit got real. he told me i shouldn't be working at the store because of all of the weirdos and homosexuals that come into "these kinds of places." i was willing to listen to him until he started with the ignorance. i told him "for all you know i could be a homosexual." he said "no. you're not i can tell. you're a good person. you don't know what those people do and you should NEVER, EVER trust them." and that was pretty much it for me, i told him he was wasting his time trying to get me to open up to his beliefs so he should try and find someone else to help. a short time after, he left me with the following:
"before i go, i'm going to share with you a prophecy. this year, in 2010, there's going to be a devastating earthquake in california. major. the worst one in all of history. and when it happens, a lot of people are going to die. the entire state will be underwater. now, i want you to promise me something. when that happens, at the very moment you hear about it, if you're at this store...i want you to grab your things and quit your job right then. you won't have very much time after that before god returns. and when he does, you won't want to be working here."
i told him ok and then he left.
ten minutes later, this guy walks in with the whitest of bleached hair and a tan from hell. he opens his mouth and says "girl, oh my god i need to get a few things and i don't have a lot of time before i go get my friend from the airport. would you help me out?" i oblige and it's nothing too crazy. cock ring. some lube. gay porn. pretty standard. then he asks if i have a restroom he can use. this is something i never do because i'd rather not spend my afternoon cleaning up some stranger's fluids--but instead i saw this as an opportunity to test what ned had been trying to tell me. this could be a sign. if i let this homosexual use the bathroom and he doesn't do anything weird, then i am right for trusting him and homeboy was as nuts as i initially thought. if something bad happens, god is real and california is toast. i let him in. dude uses the bathroom, makes his purchase, peace out. i open the bathroom door to peep the scene in there and all is well.
fast forward about 4 hours when the night employee comes in. we were busy so i hadn't had a chance to fill her in on my day when she comes back from putting her stuff away and says "looks like i won't be using the bathroom tonight." i froze. "what do you mean? what's wrong?" she says to me "well the toilet is completely fucked up and when i tried to just flush it, it filled with water and i think it's probably going to overflow." HO.LY.SHIT. i rush to the bathroom, flip the light on and all i see is the toilet, filled to the top with all kinds of disgusting waste floating about. i had to try and plunge it, i couldn't just leave her there for 8 hours with no way to relieve herself. what a bad idea. worst. now there's shitty water all over the floor and it won't stop overflowing. she knows me and knows how i freak out about things but this was different. i say "this is so much bigger than just an overflowing toilet. i only let some guy use the bathroom as a test to see if god really exists and now that it's messed up i feel like this guy who came in here was telling me the truth and california is fucked and a lot of people are going to die."
i mopped, twice, then left for the day with an ache in my head, bleach on my hands, and poop on my shoes.
i'm sure most other people would have seen the situation as a coincidence and moved on but not i. there's no fun in that.
one of the most noteworthy days (i actually took down notes) involved an evangelist, flamboyant pretty boy, and a toilet. so here it is: the first experience i could not help but to write down.
1.08.2010
the beginning of the year was ROUGH for me as far as my personal life so the porn shop was my sanctuary through that time. the day before, i had gotten a lot off of my chest when i had a meeting with my boss so i had a pretty positive attitude going into work. i was dressing a window when a middle-aged, softspoken, conservative-looking guy with perfect teeth walks in (think ned flanders plus jet black hair minus yellow skin). he stood by the door to the window i was working in and that alarmed me at first since he was blocking my only exit (with the nature of the store, you can understand why that might be) anyway...he walks in, leans on the wall, stares and smiles at me for a minute then says "you're doing such a good job." i thanked him and continued hammering away but couldn't ignore that he kept looking at me so i took a break from what i was doing and made myself visible to the surveillance system. safety first! another customer walked in, made a quick purchase, and left. ned was standing off to the side, gaze still fixed upon me. when the other guy left i asked him "so do you need help with something?" his response: "i just want to talk to you and try to evangelize you" GRRREEEAAAT. he started in on me asking what such a nice person was doing working in such a terrible place and said "you're better than this." mind you, i have no idea who this guy is and all he knows about me is that i'm short, capable of using a hammer and cash register, and i speak english. i decided since i had little else to do, i'd hear this guy out even though he surely wasn't the first person to try and save me. i still always get a kick out of it. guess i'm a bad person. he used terms like "little one" and "spring chicken" when addressing me and told me all about the end of the world. he informed me that god was returning soon so i had better look at my life and make changes, said he had been studying for a LONG time and that he knew for a fact the world will indeed be ending in 2012. after listening for a while, i let him know that his message would never reach me and that he hadn't been the first to try and added "don't worry, i'm sure you won't be the last." that's when he dropped the nice guy approach and shit got real. he told me i shouldn't be working at the store because of all of the weirdos and homosexuals that come into "these kinds of places." i was willing to listen to him until he started with the ignorance. i told him "for all you know i could be a homosexual." he said "no. you're not i can tell. you're a good person. you don't know what those people do and you should NEVER, EVER trust them." and that was pretty much it for me, i told him he was wasting his time trying to get me to open up to his beliefs so he should try and find someone else to help. a short time after, he left me with the following:
"before i go, i'm going to share with you a prophecy. this year, in 2010, there's going to be a devastating earthquake in california. major. the worst one in all of history. and when it happens, a lot of people are going to die. the entire state will be underwater. now, i want you to promise me something. when that happens, at the very moment you hear about it, if you're at this store...i want you to grab your things and quit your job right then. you won't have very much time after that before god returns. and when he does, you won't want to be working here."
i told him ok and then he left.
ten minutes later, this guy walks in with the whitest of bleached hair and a tan from hell. he opens his mouth and says "girl, oh my god i need to get a few things and i don't have a lot of time before i go get my friend from the airport. would you help me out?" i oblige and it's nothing too crazy. cock ring. some lube. gay porn. pretty standard. then he asks if i have a restroom he can use. this is something i never do because i'd rather not spend my afternoon cleaning up some stranger's fluids--but instead i saw this as an opportunity to test what ned had been trying to tell me. this could be a sign. if i let this homosexual use the bathroom and he doesn't do anything weird, then i am right for trusting him and homeboy was as nuts as i initially thought. if something bad happens, god is real and california is toast. i let him in. dude uses the bathroom, makes his purchase, peace out. i open the bathroom door to peep the scene in there and all is well.
fast forward about 4 hours when the night employee comes in. we were busy so i hadn't had a chance to fill her in on my day when she comes back from putting her stuff away and says "looks like i won't be using the bathroom tonight." i froze. "what do you mean? what's wrong?" she says to me "well the toilet is completely fucked up and when i tried to just flush it, it filled with water and i think it's probably going to overflow." HO.LY.SHIT. i rush to the bathroom, flip the light on and all i see is the toilet, filled to the top with all kinds of disgusting waste floating about. i had to try and plunge it, i couldn't just leave her there for 8 hours with no way to relieve herself. what a bad idea. worst. now there's shitty water all over the floor and it won't stop overflowing. she knows me and knows how i freak out about things but this was different. i say "this is so much bigger than just an overflowing toilet. i only let some guy use the bathroom as a test to see if god really exists and now that it's messed up i feel like this guy who came in here was telling me the truth and california is fucked and a lot of people are going to die."
i mopped, twice, then left for the day with an ache in my head, bleach on my hands, and poop on my shoes.
i'm sure most other people would have seen the situation as a coincidence and moved on but not i. there's no fun in that.
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